Category Archives: Joy

I’m Happy

Ask my Facebook friends and they’ll tell you I can stop posting about having good days…and unlike some folks on the interwebs who post things that they wish were true (for whatever reason), I really do continue to have good days…for a very simple reason…I’m freaking happy…

I feel like I’m figuring out my life…I’m about a week out from the one year anniversary of the day my divorce was finalized, and I feel like 360 (or so) days later, I’ve finally gotten good at life…

The boys are – well, they’re boys…that pretty much tells you everything you need to know, right?  But I can handle it…I don’t fall into despair…I don’t pull my hair out…I do contemplate a trade with gypsies every now and then…

Financially, I’m still broke – but I’m not scared…if you’ve ever been so broke you were terrified, you know what that feels like…I’m finally moving forward with my life…it’s still tight, sure…but I don’t spend time lamenting how hard it is or the what-ifs (I hate the what-ifs – they can haunt your ass if you’re not careful)…I feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still or even going backwards…

People have come in to my life that I never expected…and that makes me happy…makes me glow…makes me feel more myself than I ever have…everyone should be so lucky to connect with people who get you at your core…and like you for it…

I don’t have anything insightful, meaningful, or even funny to say about it…I’m happy – plain and simple…

Today Was A Good Day

It didn’t start out as a good day…I had a big misunderstanding with a friend of mine…that’s what happens when most of your talking is online – can’t see facial expressions, body language, or know when they even leave the room…I woke up mad – as hell…

I came to work, determined to hide away and nurse my hurt feelings…it’s better, for my co-workers, if I’m behind closed doors on days when I’m like this…

A coworker came up to me while I was getting my breakfast together, while I was still fuming and stewing, and said, “I needed to pay it forward.”  I looked at her in confusion, and she handed me a bag – filled with goodies, just for me…I almost cried…

Too many emotions at once, and I had to hide in my office…I talked to her while she was eating lunch, thanking her profusely…of course, I asked, “Why?”

“Because I see what you go through, and I’ve been a single mom, but not with little ones,” she said.  “And everyone needs encouragement sometimes.  You’re doing a good job, and you need to know that.”

Ok, I can’t even type it right now without crying…can you imagine how I was when she said it?  It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard…and it was random…she didn’t have to do that…and now I know I need to pay it forward when I can…

To make the day even better, I had an official business meeting with Cool Chick today…and of course, we sort of got off topic, but it was still business…she should come hang out more often…she’s someone I relate to, but also someone I look up to…she’s had it rougher, been through far more, and she’s built something for herself that’s enviable…I guess I want to be like her when I grow up…oh, and of course the fact that she’s straightforward as hell and not really afraid to tell someone to kiss her ass holds a little appeal, too…

Anyway, today shouldn’t have been a great day…but it was…I’m ending today with a glass of really good wine, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, and a smile on my face…everyone should be so fortunate…

A Great Day

Yesterday, Saturday, the last day of June – for anyone in a time warp – was a great day…it was a long day, but it was a great day!

For us, a typical Saturday is errands, lunch, Sean’s nap, more errands, and then just chilling until bedtime…this time, I made actual plans with friends that didn’t involve small children the entire time!  A breakthrough, I know…

I’m sorry but a movie filled with half-naked, beautiful men is worth a long-term, strategic plan known as “Operation The Dad Will Participate.”  In less than 24 hours, I got The Ex to agree to watch the boys, my bestie from high school to agree to come visit me, and made plans for Mom #2, Bestie, and myself to go see Magic Mike…yep, I’m awesome…ha!

Saw the movie, did the dinner thing with the boys, went back home, and Bestie and I stayed up talking until 1am – when he left to go back to Mississippi…

We hadn’t seen one another since 2003, and thank God for Facebook or we never would have reconnected – we never seem to be in Mississippi visiting at the same time…so we had a lot to catch up on…

And after nine years, we can still talk about anything and everything…damn, I miss him already!  What struck me was the ease in which he just jumped in and helped me while we were out with the boys – and that the boys responded to him so well…they normally have major stranger-danger with men, but not Bestie…he was getting Sean out of the car for me, offering to help me carry stuff (be surprised – I declined his offers), whatever I needed…wow.  I’m not used to that anymore…

I think of all the years I spent isolating myself from people I truly care about…what a waste!  I have some damn good friends in this world, and I’m not going to let genuine friendships slip away again…it’s nice to feel a little less alone in the world…

Simple Pleasures

It really is all about the simple pleasures in life.  I can name a long list of things I would consider simple pleasures that aren’t happening yet…but I’d rather focus on the simple pleasures that I do have…

  • My air conditioning is fixed! It’s been out since Saturday and last night it crept up to 85 degrees.  I slept on top of the covers last night!  For those of you in more temperate climates or in parts of the globe where it’s winter, Florida is HOT right now and will only get hotter. Feeling the cold air as I walked in the door this afternoon was sheer bliss!
  • I’ll see my mom Friday night!  We’ve already planned a picnic dinner on the beach with the boys and a couple of small outings on Saturday.  I don’t really give a crap what we do…I just want to be there.
  • I’ll see BFF Saturday night!  Other than helping my technologically-impaired friend with a small project, we won’t do much except drink wine and talk…and that sounds pretty damn perfect to me!  (Psst, BFF, I need Moscato, please…)
  • And Sunday night, I’ll see This Man! We have no firm plans, and I don’t really care.  I’ll sound weird when I say this, but I really am happy just sitting in his living room, hanging out.
  • Oh yeah, and both boys are healthy again!  Sean had those diarrhea issues from last week, and this week, the heat in the house made Aidan sick for two days…this afternoon, everyone seems back to normal.  (I promise, I made no pact with the devil for an illness-free weekend…well…)

I’ve always been the person to encourage others to think positively, but I never really applied it to myself.  I’m great at dishing out the advice and pretty crappy at taking it – there, I admitted it!  But, purposefully focusing on the good in my life really has made a difference.  That’s not to say it’s all PollyAnna crap over here…there are still moments I contemplate selling my children to the gypsies…and I’m still sarcastic as hell, and get cranky and whiny every so often…but I don’t let it bring me so far down that I can’t function…

I’ll take my simple pleasures in life and be damn happy with them, thankyouverymuch!

The Benjamin Boys Have Fun

Aidan finished 1st grade on Friday…why does that make me feel old?  I’m not old…he’s still just a little boy…but 2nd grade sounds like a big kid grade, doesn’t it?

With a desire for a good weekend for him and hell, just a good weekend for us all, I purposely kept us running the roads all weekend.

Aidan got his very own library card!

We had some water fun Saturday afternoon.

Aidan loved the splash pad…Sean loved the park.

Today, we started out with errands and ended at the beach.

Sean screamed for the first 30 minutes.  And then something clicked in his head, and he realized he loved it!

See what I mean?

And we had frozen yogurt for dinner…yes, that’s what I said…I let two little boys eat crap for dinner.  Special treats are supposed to be special, right?

Mom #2 came with me for today’s adventure, thankfully.  Aidan and Sean are my water babies, and I could never have kept up with them both by myself.

For the first time EVER I really don’t want this weekend to end…even with the whining, the diarrhea (yes, it’s an ongoing thing), and few small tantrums, I had a great time this weekend!  And from the looks on their faces for most of the weekend, so did the boys.

I’m Just Happy

I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, right now…and I’m not sure what I did to deserve it…

No, I didn’t win the Lotto…but I feel like I did…

Plans I put into place are coming together…things are working out the way I had hoped…is this proof that I can make good decisions, that I know what I’m doing?

I feel like I can breathe…I feel light as air…I feel like it’s ok to hope and dream again…

Why now? Why me and not someone else?

No, I’m not complaining…and I’m not trying to jinx myself…and I know there’s no good answer to my questions…

It just feels so out of the blue…

The results of my good fortune are already being felt…I’m becoming less self-involved (finally)…I have room in my head, heart, and world to focus on the people who matter…

Ironically, it would be better to feel this way when things aren’t going well, but that’s hard to do…

The surprising part about feeling so good is that I want to spread that feeling…I want others to feel as wonderful as I do…I want to share my joy…

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You know what I like the best about this picture? I look happy…not for any particular reason…just because…

I’m Going To Be More Positive, Damn It!

Sheesh, I really hate it when someone points out something I should have realized long ago…not only do I have to re-evaluate my world, but I have to admit that I’m wrong…

After a long back and forth with someone who matters, I realized that I’ve become waaaaaay too self-involved.  And in a negative way…

Life is hard, waaah…

I’m broke, boo hoo…

My children are (gasp) typical children!

Let me say, it is OK to acknowledge those things, feel the negative emotions, and emote a little…what’s not ok is to do what I’ve been doing – live in that space and never show the world that the positive exists.

You would never know it to read this blog, be my friend on Facebook, or talk to me ever, but Aidan and Sean make me smile and laugh every day…even when I’m in the middle of a mental meltdown about money, life, or whatever.

Sean will look up at me, lower his eyebrows, and glare at me in the most precious way.  He doesn’t get his way when he does it…but I get a chuckle…

I don’t post every single one of Aidan’s mispronounced words, but I laugh at all of them…

Whenever my babies hold my hand, I get goose bumps, because the amount of trust that they feel for me is overwhelming.  I am their Mommy, and that little hand claims me as theirs.

I’ve had a financial burden lifted in the past 24 hours, and it’s lifted my spirits.  It’s freed up space in my head for other things.  And it couldn’t have come at a better time.   I was actually told that based on the perception I inspired in someone, they could actually believe I don’t like my children.  I cried at that.

I haven’t liked my life much…I’ve wanted it to be different, better, easier…don’t we all wish for that?  But instead of looking at how far I’ve come (and we as a family have come), I’ve focused on how far we still need to go…God, I’m an idiot sometimes…

Throughout the diarrhea-filled day yesterday, Sean and I really did have a good time.  I finally got it right for the doctor’s office – we came prepared: water, crackers, Thomas trains – what else could you possibly need in life?  The luxury of spending time with just one child is something I miss…one on one, my children are fascinating…their personalities are vibrant and complex…they’re little people, y’all…Sean is hilarious…he’s a jokester…and if he thinks he’s making you laugh with his antics, he keeps going…he cracks himself up…

All Aidan wanted today was for me to come to his school for the Awards Assembly.  I would not have missed it for the world…I was prepared to tell my boss that life sucked, but I had to go (thank goodness I have a good boss!).  I was excited!  I knew he was still on the Honor Roll, and I had a suspicion he made all A’s for the final 9 weeks.  And I was right!  He did that with very little help from me…sure, I pushed him to complete his homework…but he understood the concepts, he remembered the spelling words, he reads everything he can get his hands on…you’d think we were related somehow, wouldn’t you?  It was an amazing feeling to be proud of my baby for something I had nothing to do with…he did that…

So, all of that is to say, I’m going to take time to focus on the good…does that mean I won’t emote every once in a while?  Of course not, this is my blog, my space, to figure things out…and a little emoting happens sometimes.  But I’m not going to forget the good…and I’m not just going to pay lip service to it…I’m going to mean it, express it, share it…

 

For A Moment – Peace and Contentment

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This was the start of my day…jealous? You should be…I live here…and yes, it really does look like that at the beach…

I’ve worked hard lately, and I needed a break…so I took today off…and went to the beach…

I drove up, saw the water, and started giggling – like a child…with pure delight…

I found my spot, got my chair ready, sprayed on sunscreen, and just smiled…

I walked up and down the beach, letting my toes get wet…red flags were flying so there was NO way I was getting in the water…I splashed as I walked…I spread my arms wide so I could feel the wind…I looked for shells…I watched the birds…

Between walks on the beach, I sat in my chair, reading my book and watching the water…

I don’t know if it was the sound of the waves…I don’t know if it was the beauty of the water…I don’t know if it was the peacefulness of the moment…but for a few brief hours, I was incapable of getting lost in my head…I was purely in the moment, enjoying every second of it…my head would not hold on to anything more than fleeting thoughts…

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Pure bliss…I will forever be grateful for this moment in my day…

Laughter…LOTS of Laughter

My stomach hurts…from laughing until I’ve cried…from laughing until I’ve nearly peed in my pants…

I didn’t anticipate today being this way…

10 years ago today, my dad died…he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS)…once he caught pneumonia, he never recovered – which is typical with people who have ALS…my mom and I made the decision to take him off life support, which he would have wanted….we knew he wanted to be cremated, so we picked out the urn together…together we got the house ready for his Irish wake style party to celebrate his life…

I was 22 and about to graduate college…always thinking of my education, he died at the start of my spring break and I barely missed school…the post about all that is coming…because tomorrow, we are finally scattering his ashes…in the only place that made sense…

Today surprised me…my mom and I speeding down the road, heading closer to something we both dread…that should have been a recipe for disaster…but we talked, we laughed, we pranked YY who was simultaneously heading up from south Florida…

We don’t do well when either of us is stressed…we had our moments where she was tense or when I rambled a little too much…but then we’d jokingly text message YY something, watch her fall for it, and start laughing again…

We laughed as we walked into the hotel…we laughed as we tried to get in our room (unsuccessfully)…we laughed when we back downstairs to talk to the crazy lady at the desk to get our key fixed…we laughed through dinner…we laughed through Target…we laughed while we visited with YY…my stomach hurts…

I dread what’s coming tomorrow, no matter how necessary…and since we’re a family that believes in finding something to laugh about in every situation, I know tomorrow won’t be all bad…but I am glad I had today to laugh with abandon…I’m going to need the memory of today tomorrow…

Last Week’s Hell Was Worth It…

I started smiling at 5:15am on Saturday and didn’t stop until about 9:45pm on Sunday…I only hit the snooze button once on Saturday and the morning routine was the smoothest it’s been in months…the boys didn’t fuss…I wasn’t stressed or worried…I was anxious to get there, though…

Saturday morning was with my mom…Saturday afternoon and night was all BFF and margaritas…oh hell, the margaritas!

Sunday was This Man…and it was perfect…I was the most relaxed and content I’ve ever been…there were no worries, no stresses…just blissful time spent together away from our real lives…and no, I’m not giving details – I don’t kiss and tell…

I stopped smiling at 9:45pm because that’s when I needed to leave…he had things to do, and I needed to be back home for a meeting this morning…and I felt like I was being punched in the gut…I felt like a part of me was being ripped in half…

I listen to my instinct, my gut, to get me through life…and every fiber of my being said not to leave…not because something bad was going to happen, but because it was wrong…I do what I’m supposed to do whether I want to or not all the time…this was no different…

I cried…I hugged him…I drove away, sniffling…and then I do what I do best – I put my emotions to the side, buried them where they couldn’t hurt me, and moved on…life has to go on regardless of what I might want to happen…

But I miss my mom…I miss BFF…and I miss This Man…and my world no longer feels quite as right as it did this weekend…

Every temper tantrum, every aggravation, every moment of The Ex’s idiocy last week was worth it for 2 days of life being right.

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