Blog Archives

Gotta Love Those Endorphins

I think I have a new rule for my loved ones…if we’re talking and I seem unnecessarily down, sad, mopey, or any other basketcase-like emotion, please, please ask me if I’ve worked out yet for the day…

For the second day in a row, I whined to BBFF on the phone about how stressful life is, how I feel pretty miserable, blah blah blah…and then picked myself up, changed clothes, let Jillian Michaels kick my ass (I just love her) and felt like crap for dumping all over him…the things that have been bothering me still bother me, but I’m in a better frame of mind…I’m thinking more clearly and logically…my feelings aren’t clouding my thought process…now I’m good company…

It’s gotta be the endorphins…or it’s simply that my ass really got kicked, and I can’t focus on anything but the pain…either way, it works…

Yesterday, it was money…today, it was loneliness…sometimes, even now, I am shocked at how some of the changes in my life since the divorce can affect me…I’m very used to and comfortable with being single…with the boys and I being the Three Musketeers…but I don’t really think my life is meant to be just the three of us…and maybe that’s where the loneliness comes from…

I have BFF and I have BBFF, and I have others…but because of the way life works and the physical distance between me and a lot of the people I care about, sometimes I feel very isolated…I can admit, sometimes I do it to myself…I’m a homebody (because gas costs money)…I don’t trust people (stranger-danger)…and I am unwilling to randomly call people and whine to them (except for poor BBFF)…but I can’t spend my life wallowing in misery…

The next time I wallow and whine, someone please hit me over the head with a Jillian Michaels DVD…

Big, Fat, Hairy…Goals

I’m a goal person…if I don’t have a goal (no matter how small), I feel like I have no purpose…which leads to stress, chaos, and all sorts of negative things…including procrastination and loss of focus…

I complained earlier about feeling soft…I complained yesterday about stressing and emotional eating (today was worse)…I’m sure I’ve gained 10 lbs in the past two weeks – mostly from sweet tea and cheeseburgers…I’ve talked before about taking control and taking care of myself…and it worked, while I stayed focused…

But, that’s not happening anymore…and I feel….blech…

This morning, while I was driving to work, I was thinking about why I’m not able to sustain the focus on myself…and I think my goal is too vague and I’m too vague about how I’m going to get there…I’m a planner…I’m an organized planner…it’s what I do, it’s who I am…

But I don’t plan our meals…I barely write a grocery list…I don’t keep us (as a family) organized…and it’s leading to chaos, utter chaos…and 10 extra lbs…because it’s easier to run through drive thru and order off the $1 menu (especially since sweet tea is a $1 – that’s just EVIL!)…

With any big, fat, hairy goal I give myself, I need a plan…but first, let’s start with the goal.  My birthday is at the end of October (October 30 to be exact).  I thought that it would be fitting to give myself a birthday present this year – the gift of not feeling like mush.  The official start date is October 1 but since I’m pretty excited, I’ll probably get started a little tomorrow…I would like to lose 10 lbs by the end of the month, but overall I want to be less like a side of mashed potatoes (soft and mushy)…

What’s the plan?  That’s where I’m fuzzy – I know I need to eat right and exercise…that’s a big ole duh…but what exactly do I need to do?  Since this goal is a 30 day goal, I’m thinking of doing Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred, again…but this time the straight 30 days instead the 6 weeks it usually takes me…but I’m also adverse to pain, so I was thinking 30 Day Shred 3-4 times a week and supplementing with the treadmill 3-4 days a week…opinions?

With the food side, I think I just need to get organized…I’m envisioning charts, calendars, color-coded things…and a trip to Staples to make it happen (I’m sure different colored Sharpies will be involved)…I need to plan out every meal – so that’s it one less thing to think about…and, this is going to sound crazy, but I need to stop with leftovers…I hate leftovers…if I like a meal well enough to want to eat leftovers the next day, I usually end up eating the extra helping the same day I cook it (soooooo not good for me)…and I’ll bring leftovers for lunch the next day with every intention of eating it…and then find 10 reasons why I need to hit the drive thru…bad, I know…I need to accept the fact that I almost never eat leftovers and stop pretending that I do…

I know how to eat, I know what to eat, I know when to eat…I just need to make it one less thing to think about…because frankly, I’ve got too much on my plate (no pun intended) to be worrying about what we’re going to have for dinner…

Time to treat this like the office…where’s my clipboard and to do list?  It’s time to get to work!

Who Am I Talking To Again?

I think I might be turning into my grandmother…no, I’m not completely gray, and I don’t fall asleep with a cigarette in my mouth while crocheting (sad but true – and no, that’s not how she died, thankfully).  But I have 2 children and 1 dog, and there was not a single time today that I said the right name the first time. 

“Kahlua! Aidan! Dammit, Sean!”  It got even worse when Aidan helpfully reminded me who I was trying to yell at.  “Aidan! (dammit.) Sean! (shit.) (Kahlua, Mom. Thanks baby.) KAHLUA!”  And then there was the time I didn’t know what word I wanted…after I went through all three names and realized I was speaking to Sean (or trying to), then I had a multiple choice list of what we were doing: It’s lunch time, no, crap, dinner, dangit! What word do I want? (Naptime, Mom. Thanks Aidan). It’s naptime, Sean.  Sean, right?  Yeah, that’s the one.”

Whoa.

I’ve been out of sorts for two days.  No real reason.  Just got stuck in my head and couldn’t get out.  Which didn’t exactly help my cognitive skills.  Or at least that’s the excuse I’m going with today.

I thought about blogging it out, but I really didn’t want more word vomit…especially not after such a good Saturday.  I considered just being lazy tonight and curling up with my book.  But after nibbling on yummy dark chocolate brownies most of the day that didn’t seem like a good idea.  So, I turned my lover into my therapist and hit the treadmill for an hour.  The BEP station on Pandora is amazing and by the end, I was out of my head (a little) and feeling strong and lean…well, mentally strong and lean.

If I keep using the treadmill as therapy, the physical strength and leanness may come sooner than I anticipated…

Today, Today, Today…

I just need to take one deep breath…just one…then maybe my shoulders will stop hanging out around my ears…

I wasn’t tense when I got up this morning…at 6am on a Sunday…I had a hot date, you know…and typical of my life these days, 30 minutes in, Aidan woke up…really?!  Why was he awake SO freaking early????  I finished up on the treadmill while he whined that it was taking “toooooooo looooooooooooooooooooong, Mommeeeeeeeeeee”…I guess that should have been an indication of the day ahead…

The cool thing about working out early in the morning is all the energy I have for the rest of the day…I cooked breakfast, cleaned house, did laundry, ran errands, made dinner, changed out the old toilet seats (more on that later), folded more laundry, gave baths, was attacked by Aidan pretending to be a Pokemon character, talked to my mom, talked to Almost Ex, almost had a nervous breakdown (more on that, too), got the children to bed, dealt with little boys who didn’t want to sleep, got BACK on the treadmill (because I needed to clear my mind), put Aidan BACK to bed, and still haven’t stretched from this evening’s workout or gotten my SECOND shower of the day.  And if you felt breathless after that, imagine how I feel…

I woke up still feeling empowered from yesterday…so I decided to go to Lowe’s and tackle some small but overwhelming chores.  We desperately needed new toilet seats in both bathrooms…I changed ‘em…with only one call to my mom’s house and five cuss words…I would have taken pictures but that seemed a little weird (even for me)…I don’t do plumbing…and yeah, toilet seats aren’t really plumbing, but it’s closer than I’ve ever been, so I think it counts…

I hadn’t heard from Almost Ex in four days…I thought I knew why and I was right…because it’s not my story to tell, I won’t tell it here…but he had a rough weekend…and while everyone who loves me says it’s his own fault and its because of his own bad choices, I still couldn’t help but feel guilty…if I had never asked for the divorce, he wouldn’t have made those stupid decisions…but I know that’s faulty thinking…but that threw me off for the rest of the evening…I’m not the type of person to wish harm on another person, especially someone I’ve cared about in the past…so while there are people who would very correctly say he got what he deserved, I still can’t be that objective…maybe one day…

Thank God for my treadmill…I have a feeling this is going to be a co-dependent relationship…and if I have to have one of those, let it be with a treadmill!

Almost Had A Hot Date…

I was supposed to start my love affair with the treadmill tonight…it didn’t happen, so we have an early morning date scheduled for tomorrow…

I had it in my mind that no matter how late I got in tonight, I was getting on the treadmill…but that’s what you think before an entire day travelling with and chasing two small children.  I had help from Eebee and BFF during the day, which helps more than most people can imagine.  Just knowing that an extra set of eyes (or two) is on them allows me to relax a little…

I had a good day, they had a good day, and both were SO ready for bed.  That’s the mark of a great day…two little boys who ask to go to bed.

I had a revelation tonight.  I am capable of things that I used to reserve for Almost Ex.  Whenever I came across something that I considered his domain, I would joke that this was why I was married…well, that’s not true anymore, is it?

First I had to get the treadmill loaded into the back of Bubba when we got back to Florida today…normally, I would just say I’m not good with stuff like that and let someone else handle it.  Not today…I saw exactly how it could fit…Eebee and I man-handled it in.  When I saw that it was too wobbly, I pulled out my bungee cords and figured out how to stabilize the thing so it didn’t fall on Sean…I figured driving down the interstate doing 30 mph wasn’t a real option…

Then I had to get the treadmill into the house…I backed Bubba into the driveway (which I never do because I think I suck at that)…then I got it out of Bubba (BY MYSELF, thank you very much!), and into the house…

I know that all sounds like small stuff, but tonight I was pumped…I walked around the house, all puffed up, practically strutting with satisfaction.  I killed a bug that flew into the house and was like, “Yeah, take THAT sucka!”  (Of course, I still won’t touch the damn thing…that’s what my Shop Vac is for…doesn’t everyone use their Shop Vac to pick up bugs?)

So, no hot date for me tonight…but it’s all good. I’ve got enough endorphins running through me to last a while.

No Desire to Dance

And I don’t mean ballroom…

I love music…and, in the privacy of my own home where NO ONE can see me, if the music is good enough, I’ll get up and dance.  It’s a great workout, it relieves stress, it makes me feel more confident.  Silly, I know, but there it is.

I realized last night that even when I heard some of my absolute favorite songs I felt no urge to dance.  I sang along (which is even scarier than my dancing), but I couldn’t find the desire or the energy to get off the couch.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Is it a self-esteem thing?  Do I feel so silly doing it that I’ve embarassed myself?  Am I just tired? Is it D. All of the above?

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself recently.  I can’t figure out the catalyst but it’s been swift.  I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds in the past few months…I barely exercise…I stress-eat and my preferred food is a cheeseburger.  I’m doing everything I know NOT to do…I can feel my butt spreading, my face filling in, and my clothes fitting tighter…

I will NOT go back to being the fat chick, the sidekick, always the best friend – never the girlfriend…I. Will. NOT.

Everyday, I can feel myself becoming more introverted and unsure of myself…I liked feeling confident…I liked feeling attractive (who doesn’t, right?)…and I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. 

I guess the easy answer is that it’s the divorce, this is normal, blah blah blah…but I don’t accept that.  I’m not unhappy about the divorce.  I’m not even unhappy that Almost Ex has found a girlfriend…well, ok, I’m not excited, either. 

No matter what it is, I need to get over it and get my butt back in gear…

Never Gonna Win Mother of the Year

So as my title implies, I’m never going to win “Mother of the Year” when it comes to my boys.  No, I’m not neglectful or mean or anything like that…I’m klutzy and forgetful and ONLY with my children, absent-minded.

I took them to a walking track/park near the house today so I could exercise and they could get some fresh air.  In the past, I would never do this.  I always considered exercise my personal time, just for me.  Well, if I waited until they weren’t with me, I’d probably never exercise again.

We made it around the first loop fairly well.  I started thinking, “Hey, this isn’t so bad.  I really can do what other normal single moms do.”  Until my oldest needed to go to the bathroom.  This park is amazing – lighted pavilions, plenty of benches, a gazebo, and CLEAN bathrooms. 

But the bathrooms are at the top of a hill…a steep hill.  We pushed the stroller up the hill…I say we because Aidan absolutely helped me.  We got to the top and my main concern was getting Aidan into the bathroom without violating anyone else’s privacy.  While I was reminding him to lock the stall door, I heard a strange noise. I turned around and Sean’s stroller was rolling downhill- straight to the pond!!

I now understand what people mean when they say time stands still and things seem to happen in slow motion.  And I have never felt such fear in my life!

I took off running (good to know I still can) and screamed, “Sean!!!”  My keys flew out of one pocket, my cell phone out of the other. I caught him just as the stroller was about to tip into the pond.  Sean was laughing until he saw my face.  I can only imagine the panic on it.

And then I turned and calmly pushed him back up the hill.  Aidan, being the beautiful 5 year old that he is, said, “Mommy, did you almost lose Sean?”  Internally, I said, “Holy hell, YES, I almost did! OMG! OMG!”  Outwardly, I just looked at him and said, “Almost doesn’t count, baby.  He’s fine.”

Back in the day, I would have felt like dying of embarassment and immediately rushed home.  Now, I know I don’t have that choice unless I want to be a hermit.  So we walked another couple of loops around the pond.  Aidan finally stopped reminding me over and over again that I nearly lost Sean.  And eventually, my stomach stopped hurting.

One day, NOT today, but one day, I might even laugh about this.

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