Melancholy and Word Vomit

So I spent more than hour just talking myself into writing this particular post…mainly because I’m usually an intensely private person who presents herself a certain way to the rest of the world: either I’m relatively upbeat and positive or I’m very quiet.  If I’m quiet, I’m either upset or thinking very hard (I can get lost in my head).

So writing this blog means that I have to come out of my head AND I have to be willing to show the world something other than my positive-self.  Of course since only 2 or 3 people actually read my blog, it’s not like I’m baring my soul to the entire world, either…plus, since the POINT of this whole blog is to figure myself out and “talk things out,” it’s sort of a big ole DUH that I should talk about what I’m feeling…

Anyone who has stuck with me to this point, a warning: this will be messy word vomit…and for every unhappy thing I say, I am absolutely aware of the silver-linings, the upside, and how I should be feeling…this just isn’t the day for that…

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of melancholy and sadness…I didn’t really have a reason, I guess…I assume it’s probably normal for people going through a divorce…plus I tend to be a moody person, so I figure it could just be one of those days…

It was one of those mornings where I felt like I had gained 20 lbs over night, I hated all of my clothes, I didn’t feel like putting on my make-up (but since I didn’t want to scare my co-workers, I did it for them)…even Diet Coke and good music on the radio didn’t help…I cried on the way to work and couldn’t have explained why…

I HATE that…I’m the put-your-big-girl-panties-on-and-deal-with-it kind of girl…I believe in the idea that sometimes you need to “take 2 aspirin and suck it up!”  I don’t have time for pointless tears!!!  But there I was, driving down the road, drinking my Diet Coke, crying like a baby…

I know part of the problem is that my self-esteem has taken a major dive in the past few months.  The Almost Ex and I have become toxic with one another…and he blames me for every ill in his life…what I hear most is, “You did this.”  That’s right, because 12 years of crappy choices from both us had NOTHING to do with it…

I realize that I have every reason in the world to be extremely self-confident…I am aware of my good qualities – intelligence, humor, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal (ok, now I sound like a cocker-spaniel)…but you see what I mean…I know that I have faults but my good traits outweigh them…but sometimes I don’t feel it like I should…today was one of those days…

My friend, Eebee, tried very hard to get me out of my mood…I found myself lecturing her on making sure she takes advantage of opportunities that come her way…a very cool one is a spontaneous road-trip this weekend.  I emphatically told her not to let these moments slip through her hands because there will come a day when she might not have the luxury.  And in my woe-is-me state, I couldn’t help think that I’ve never had those opportunities and don’t know if I ever will…

Ok, so ALL of this is before LUNCH today…Good Lord!  Anyone looking at me probably saw a very dark cloud over my head.

By mid-afternoon, I just wanted to put my head down and cry…I had argued with Almost Ex through text message…when I went out for lunch, I tried to take my mind off of it all by window-shopping for shoes and nearly bumped into him and his girlfriend!  Really???  All I want to do is try on some shoes I’ll never buy, and he was THERE?! Dammit!!  I left the store in a hurry…and lost my cool…

All the sadness and melancholy from the morning burst like a dam…

And it pisses me off…this is NOT me.  I use sarcasm and gallows humor to get through hard times, not tears.  I don’t let the crap get me down, but there I was, not eating lunch but instead sitting at the park, feeling sorry for myself. 

What still bothers me the most is that I was wishing for a Defender…my dad was great at that.  I remember being a kid and him “explaining life” to people who (legitimately) messed with me or caused me problems.  And I know if he was still alive, he would have clearly explained the way of the world to Almost Ex…when I was a kid, I remember feeling simultaneously uncomfortable and protected by his defense of me. 

I haven’t felt protected in a long time…but I’m fully aware that I need to be my own Defender…I can’t rely on anyone else to take care of me but me…I haven’t had a Defender since my dad, so why am I looking for it now?  Frankly, I’ve never wanted it before…but lately, I’ve wished for it…but this is where I put on my big girl panties and know that I will defend myself from outside forces that want to tear me down…there’s no other option.

I want to giggle…I want to laugh with abandon…I want to smile for no reason…I want to feel light-hearted…I want to believe that I will still feel good tomorrow and the day after…I want to be silly…and above all, I want to keep seeing the good in life, instead of the doom and gloom.

So where the hell am I going with all of this?  I have no idea…I just know that some days are good…some days are not.  Sometimes I can laugh my way through it all, and sometimes its nothing but melancholy and word vomit.

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on May 5, 2011, in Moments in Life, Word Vomit and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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