Bogged Down and Plowing Ahead

I just wrote a blog post that I will probably never publish.  It felt good but it goes against my rule in my very first post.

I vented in a way that I can’t vent to Almost Ex.  I probably could but it would just start an argument. I didn’t realize how angry I am about what’s been happening lately.

Frankly, I’m hurt and I’m lonely.  But I have no regrets about my decision to get divorced.  In fact, the past few weeks have solidified my feelings.

This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about tonight.  I was coasting along just fine today – not spectacular, but not stick-your-head-in-the-oven bad, either.

I’m getting bogged down in the minutia…when what I want to do is dream big.  My Big Brother-from-another-mother keeps encouraging me, and he’s right.  I do want better for my boys.  I want better for myself.  My dreams of travelling, having adventures (with and without my boys), and experiencing the world won’t ever come true if I don’t set some pretty high goals (and then go after them and achieve them).

But how do you accomplish the big things when the small things become all-encompassing?  I want to go back to school, I want to freelance, I want to do more…but when I get home, I can’t get past figuring out what’s for dinner.  Some nights it’s all I can do to get the boys bathed and tucked into bed.  As Big Brother recently said, I’m running on adrenaline, sugar, and caffeine.  At what point will I crack?

That’s my fear, I think…I fear cracking and not being able to put the pieces back together.  I don’t know how to just stop and relax.  Or put my worries to the side and focus on the big, bad goals and dreams.  I just put my head down and keep on plowing ahead. What do I do when that’s not enough?

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on May 23, 2011, in Moments in Life, Word Vomit and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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