Bogged Down and Plowing Ahead
I just wrote a blog post that I will probably never publish. It felt good but it goes against my rule in my very first post.
I vented in a way that I can’t vent to Almost Ex. I probably could but it would just start an argument. I didn’t realize how angry I am about what’s been happening lately.
Frankly, I’m hurt and I’m lonely. But I have no regrets about my decision to get divorced. In fact, the past few weeks have solidified my feelings.
This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about tonight. I was coasting along just fine today – not spectacular, but not stick-your-head-in-the-oven bad, either.
I’m getting bogged down in the minutia…when what I want to do is dream big. My Big Brother-from-another-mother keeps encouraging me, and he’s right. I do want better for my boys. I want better for myself. My dreams of travelling, having adventures (with and without my boys), and experiencing the world won’t ever come true if I don’t set some pretty high goals (and then go after them and achieve them).
But how do you accomplish the big things when the small things become all-encompassing? I want to go back to school, I want to freelance, I want to do more…but when I get home, I can’t get past figuring out what’s for dinner. Some nights it’s all I can do to get the boys bathed and tucked into bed. As Big Brother recently said, I’m running on adrenaline, sugar, and caffeine. At what point will I crack?
That’s my fear, I think…I fear cracking and not being able to put the pieces back together. I don’t know how to just stop and relax. Or put my worries to the side and focus on the big, bad goals and dreams. I just put my head down and keep on plowing ahead. What do I do when that’s not enough?