Guilt Sucks

I have spent two days talking myself out of writing this blog and then convincing myself I should…that’s a lot of treadmill time, by the way. It’s not that what’s on my mind is so personal…it’s not word vomit…but rather, it’s the recurring worry of saying too much…worrying about what others might think…

I said before that I don’t want to be downer-girl…I don’t want to drag the room down…I also don’t want people to disapprove of me…that being said, the part of me that’s been hidden for so many years and is finally peeking her head out pretty much doesn’t give a shit what people think…it’s strange to have such warring thoughts in my head…

Ok, so for those people who, for whatever reason, don’t approve of what I say, but still click on my blog or stay long past the point that they realize they don’t like what I have to say, here’s something to distract you while I get this off my chest: here (think of me while watching it).

I already said yesterday that Almost Ex had a bad weekend when some poor choices caught up to him…and I still won’t go into it in this forum…and I mentioned that I was feeling really bad about it…well, I still am.

I know that asking for this divorce was the best decision for me and my boys.  Had I stayed, they would have been raised in a very unhappy house with a resentful mother and God only knows what kind of father…it was the most difficult decision of my life…not because there was much love left (on my side) but for two reasons: I was breaking my word – I had said in sickness and health (check), richer or poorer (never got to richer), til death do us part…nope, didn’t make it that far…but also because I knew my decision hurt Almost Ex…

I don’t know if this is a good thing about me or a pathetic thing about me, but it is very hard for me to knowingly hurt someone…even someone I don’t like very much…even someone I don’t respect…I have avoided many hard decisions in life (up until February 13) because I didn’t want to cause someone else pain, aggravation, or any other negative feeling…

Typical me, the first time I did, it was big…I don’t think this is what BFF meant when she said, “Go big or go home.” 

When I told Almost Ex I wanted a divorce, I set in motion a course of events that I could never have foreseen…I was the victim in most of those events, but I never said anything…out of guilt.  He kept telling me, “You did this” and I took that to heart.  So, while he and I have worked out some of our issues over the past several weeks (sort of), I felt horrible when I learned how things have been going for him…and I can’t help feeling responsible for it all…

Of course, the people who love me are very upset when I admit this…it is about the choices we make in life and I never forced him to make bad choices…but that’s cold comfort right now…

A lot of what has happened in the past few months makes me afraid to get close to anyone…and I don’t necessarily mean romantically…I am SO not ready for that…I just mean in general…in the past two years, two people I considered close friends betrayed the small amount of trust I had given them (I rarely trust anyone, even in a small way)…and Almost Ex lost his mind, completely eviscerating any trust I had in him…when I’m feeling like downer-girl, I can’t help but wonder if it’s better to not be close to anyone…

But then I think of Mom #2, my YY, and my mom…first of all, they would kick my ass for feeling this way…second, they would just tell me to keep on keepin’ on…there is light at the end of the tunnel…and one day, it won’t be another oncoming train…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on June 27, 2011, in Thinking and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Wow 6 years ago I could’ve written this post myself. I was the one to say I wanted a divorce and anytime anything went wrong it was “all because of me leaving” I finally stepped back and looked at how our marriage had really been. How many times I had said “hey i’m not happy we need to talk” and his response was “well i’m fine so just get over it” hmmm so now that I had gotten over it…it was still all my fault.

    I know what you’re saying though i still spend a lot of my time tiptoeing around other people as to not hurt them even if I get hurt in the process.

    • It was hard to do…but it was the right thing…watching him in action over the past several weeks just solidifies it…wish I could get my emotions to follow my head, though…

      I’m tired of tiptoeing…but knowing me, I’ll still do it more often than not…

  2. Yes for awhile you will…especially as you’re going through the lovely divorce dance. Then after you get that piece of paper that says divorced you’ll feel a bit more of you breaking free, and then as life goes on you’ll see yourself responding to situations differently then you would have before. It’ll take time but it’s a beautiful transition.

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