I’m A Mess

I don’t mean an emotional mess…I’m purposely not dealing with any of that…but I’m a disorganized, unproductive mess – at home.  I had myself fooled otherwise until family came to town…

The main purpose of the visit was to celebrate Aidan’s birthday (which is in a few days)…but the secondary reason was to help me get a few things done.  There are some things I just can’t do – I don’t have a clue about plumbing or electrical stuff…and I’m grateful for any and all help I can get when it comes to those things.  But there are some things that I feel I should do myself because it’s my responsibility…yardwork, cleaning, you know, the basics

I didn’t realize just how low-energy (read: lazy) I’ve been until they came in and just started working.  And I felt ashamed…why hadn’t I done some of these things already?  It’s not like I can’t see they need to be done…it’s not like I’m completely unaware of my surroundings…

I can pull myself out of the emotional stuff (at least temporarily)…but I don’t know how to make myself less of a mess…I don’t want to be shamed into doing what’s necessary (even though they had no intention of doing that so any negative feelings I have are all on me…)…and I don’t know how to accept help or even ask for it. And I don’t really want to ask for help because that would mean admitting that I can’t handle this on my own…but I have no choice but to handle it on my own (for the most part)…

I know part of my issue is that right now I’m working so hard at work that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do much more than what’s absolutely necessary…but I know people who don’t let that kind of thing stop them…so why can’t I be more like that?  I can rest when the work’s done, right?

I don’t exactly have a social calendar, so what am I waiting for?  Why am I make excuses?  Why aren’t I just doing what needs to get done and working my ass off to show that I am capable of handling it?  Why am I such a mess right now?

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on July 17, 2011, in Random, Thinking and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Hey you.
    I’m a mess too. My life of 25 years has fallen apart,then I break my foot.I’m off work to heal which is good because all I want to do is quit. My point is – we don’t have to be strong all the time. We can stop and be a mess. Whatever happens, we can pick it up later. Don’t feel guilty. Take care of you.

  2. Neither am I. I’m a total control freak. I am very slowly learning to let go. You know. you are not alone, don’t ever feel like you’re all alone.

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