Different States of “Alone”
I had no intention of blogging tonight…nothing much to say, feeling relatively peaceful for once…and then regular old life intervened…
Almost Ex was 30 minutes late dropping the boys off this afternoon…right before I went into the panic-mode of thinking they were dead on the side of the road, I realized that I was alone and I was okay with it…and then I started thinking about the different states of “alone-ness.” But it was my children who brought it all home for me…
Sean’s in a phase of asking “A dat?” (translation, “What’s that?”) and he has appliques on the walls of his room that he’s curious about. One is a large elephant followed by a baby elephant. Sean pointed to the large elephant and said, “Daddy” and when he pointed to the little elephant, I said, “Baby.” Aidan said, “The elephant over here that’s alone is the mommy.” Um, ok…so they’re figuring out that mommies are sometimes alone…
The kicker, the absolute kicker was when he started singing: “Mommy in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…” Really, dude, you couldn’t at least pair me up with someone, even a pretend someone?
I started thinking about the different states or phases of being alone and how they’ve made me feel:
Why Am I So Alone (aka Will I Be Alone Forever)?: This is when the weight of being alone becomes unbearable. It can include a feeling of heaviness, being weighed down with emotion…usually accompanied with tears, reliving old memories of better times, worries about the future, and sleepless nights.
Thank God I’m Alone!: I have been left alone for the first time in a long time, and there is finally quiet – this involves children, family, whoever finally leaving me the hell alone (which is probably what I asked for right before they left)…usually accompanied by feelings of relief, euphoria, and disbelief that I am indeed, FINALLY, alone.
Eh, I’m Alone (aka So What?): Alone is not so bad, it’s actually sort of peaceful and comforting to be left alone with my thoughts. I might think about the fact that I’m by myself, but then I shrug and return to what I had been thinking about…accompanied by nothing but silence, comfort, and peace.
Today, I noticed that I finally reached that last state…it doesn’t mean I won’t return to the others…but I was alone, completely and utterly alone, and there was no sorrow or joy…there was simply peace.
Are there any other states that I’ve left out?