Something’s Got To Give…

I’ve been grumpy most of the day…not the whole day – free sweet tea from McAlister’s definitely perked me up…but I’ve been irritable, moody, and GRUMPY for the majority of the day…

I jumped on the treadmill thinking it would get me out of my funk…45 minutes later I felt no better…I actually felt worse because I’d spent the whole time thinking about why I could possibly be so freaking irritable…and I figured it out…

I’m tired…tired’s not even the right word…I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that accurately describes how I feel right now…there is no reprieve….work provides no relief from home, home provides no relief from work…something more is constantly being requested by someone (whether they’re 6 or 36)…

Something’s got to give…I don’t think I’m capable of adding one more thing, making one more thing happen, pulling one more miracle out of my butt for someone…but there’s nothing to give…

I’m a mom…no matter how tired, how exhausted, how whatever, that doesn’t change…and I don’t want it to change…I adore my boys.  I just wish their father was more of a factor…1 or 2 afternoons a week for a couple of hours does NOT bring relief…I just fill up those hours with the things I couldn’t get done at another time…

I love my job…and I take a lot of pride in my work…I spent the first few years paying attention and learning as much as I could about where I work…and that knowledge is being used now when it’s needed most…but there is no reprieve on that end, either…everyday brings another priority…if everything is considered a priority, then NOTHING is a priority…

I want a distraction…a bright-shiny…something that’s not connected to motherhood or work…but that doesn’t take away from the precious little sleep I’m already getting…something that lets me forget for a few minutes that I’m overwhelmed and ready to drop…the treadmill should have been that tonight…but all it did was make me stop (sort of, I mean, it IS a treadmill) long enough to focus on what I didn’t want to think about…

And God, I hate to sound like I’m whining…I really have been in a great place for several days…and I’ve had some great moments…even today, Eebee was able to get me to laugh (as usual)…I’ve just been forced to admit to myself that I’m at the end of a rope…and I just need someone to hand me a little more so I can tie a knot in it and keep on going…

Maybe I need to figure out how to do that for myself…maybe that’s part of this process…maybe I just need to figure out how to be more self-reliant…I wish I knew the answer…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on July 28, 2011, in Random, Thinking, Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Yeah i hear you about no break. my kids dad is taking them this weekend for only the second time since we’ve been here in 3 months!!!!! AND the only reason he’s taking them is because his whole family is in town. We’ll see how long it is before he asks for them again.

    I could really use a few hours here and there though so i can get things into order.

  2. I know exactly where you’re coming from. Let me know if you find that bright and shiny new thing….

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