Monthly Archives: July 2011

I’m A Mess

I don’t mean an emotional mess…I’m purposely not dealing with any of that…but I’m a disorganized, unproductive mess – at home.  I had myself fooled otherwise until family came to town…

The main purpose of the visit was to celebrate Aidan’s birthday (which is in a few days)…but the secondary reason was to help me get a few things done.  There are some things I just can’t do – I don’t have a clue about plumbing or electrical stuff…and I’m grateful for any and all help I can get when it comes to those things.  But there are some things that I feel I should do myself because it’s my responsibility…yardwork, cleaning, you know, the basics

I didn’t realize just how low-energy (read: lazy) I’ve been until they came in and just started working.  And I felt ashamed…why hadn’t I done some of these things already?  It’s not like I can’t see they need to be done…it’s not like I’m completely unaware of my surroundings…

I can pull myself out of the emotional stuff (at least temporarily)…but I don’t know how to make myself less of a mess…I don’t want to be shamed into doing what’s necessary (even though they had no intention of doing that so any negative feelings I have are all on me…)…and I don’t know how to accept help or even ask for it. And I don’t really want to ask for help because that would mean admitting that I can’t handle this on my own…but I have no choice but to handle it on my own (for the most part)…

I know part of my issue is that right now I’m working so hard at work that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do much more than what’s absolutely necessary…but I know people who don’t let that kind of thing stop them…so why can’t I be more like that?  I can rest when the work’s done, right?

I don’t exactly have a social calendar, so what am I waiting for?  Why am I make excuses?  Why aren’t I just doing what needs to get done and working my ass off to show that I am capable of handling it?  Why am I such a mess right now?

Advertisements

Tired of Being Strong

I know I haven’t always been a strong person…but I didn’t just wake up one day feeling and acting strong, either…

I remember when I was a kid, crying at the drop of a hat – mean looks, mean words, whatever…I didn’t do things that were hard (more than once)…I didn’t do things that I was bad at (more than once)…I didn’t take chances…I didn’t step up.  I tried to fade into the background – in good times and bad…

Right about the time I met Almost Ex, I discovered that I had some amount of strength…and I’ve learned just how strong I am in the past 12 years…I can pin-point some moments very easily – when my dad was diagnosed with ALS, when he died 2 very short years later, when Almost Ex went into the hospital with a mystery ailment and ended up in a wheelchair for 6 months…when I moved back to Florida – pregnant and no other family but Almost Ex…when I got laid off for the first (and hopefully ONLY) time (as the sole source of income in our family, that was terrifying…)…when I told Almost Ex I wanted a divorce…when I dealt with the aftermath of that announcement…

Under different circumstances, I probably wouldn’t even admit that I have any sort of inner-strength…but hell, even I can see it in myself…and I’m tired of being the strong one…

Yet…

Not being strong (even for a little while) would mean having to rely on someone else…it would mean having to allow a certain amount of vulnerability…I don’t like to be vulnerable…I don’t know how to lean…maybe if I had leaned a little more over the last 12 years, I’d still be married…maybe if I had chosen someone I felt I could lean on, I’d have a different life…Note: yes, I understand the irony in the fact that I can be completely vulnerable in my own blog that others read but I can’t manage to be vulnerable IRL (in real life)…and I’m not really dwelling on the “maybe’s” because the best parts of the past 12 years are Aidan and Sean (no regrets)…

I’ve been stuck in my head over the past few days (more so than normal)…and I have to admit that it’s mental fatigue…I’m tired of always needing to be strong…I’m tired of feeling isolated…I’m tired of feeling lonely…I’m just tired…

But tomorrow, I’ll get right back up and keep going, full force, because that’s what I do…it’s who I am…and I don’t really know how to be any different…

Feeling Quiet

I’ve been feeling quiet lately…not “Woe is me” quiet.  More like “Nothing to say” quiet…I think I spend too much time not talking to anyone.  It’s starting to feel natural to have nothing to say…

Anyone who’s known me for more than about five minutes knows that I’m a talker…get me going and you pretty much can’t shut me up…but I’m getting stuck in my head, I think…which won’t end well…eventually, whatever is keeping me in my head will have to come out.  Not looking forward to that day…

I’m ready for something to happen…I feel like there’s something on the horizon, and I just can’t see it yet…

I Don’t Like To Go To Bed

I didn’t like going to bed as a kid because I was pretty convinced I was missing something.  That and I had such an early bedtime that in the summer, it was still daylight at bedtime! Are you kidding me?!

I didn’t like going to bed when I was pregnant with both boys because it was too hard to get comfortable…I’m a stomach-sleeper and at a certain point in pregnancy, it’s like sleeping on a basketball…

I don’t like it now for completely different reasons.  I try to go to bed at a decent time because I know I need sleep to function during my crazy busy days at work…and my crazy busy nights at home.  But I usually don’t go to bed until late…and then I don’t sleep.

Even though I am exhausted at the end of the day, I don’t sleep at night…at least not immediately.  I think and think and think…it’s the only time of day when the negative thoughts, the loneliness, the fear, all of it, creep in…and I’m up, thinking, until finally my eyes just can’t stay open.  Because I want to avoid all of the crap, I tend to stay up – doing nothing.  The TV is on – I’m not watching it…Facebook is up – I’m not talking to anyone (for various reasons, I’m sure)…my book is open – I’m not reading it.

I hate the sadness (even though I know I have to go through this in order to move forward)…I hate the fear…I hate the loneliness…ok, so I’m not unusual in any of that…who likes feeling that way?  I hate it more that it appears at a time when I am least able to battle it…during the day, I’m way too busy to worry about stupid stuff…during the weekend, when my children are running me ragged, it’s definitely not a priority…but the one time of day I have to relax, and there it is…the stuff I’d like to pretend isn’t lurking under the surface…

The smartass part of me is tempted to say, “Yeah, there will definitely be a day that I won’t mind going to bed.” Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.  In my mind, that feels very false…I don’t even have the energy to let my smartass side win…because I know when I lay (lie?) down tonight, the cycle will start all over again…

Raising Boys #5

I am amazed by my children every single day…sometimes in a good way…and sometimes not so much…

Sean has his first favorite thing ever – Tom-ees de Tain (translation: Thomas the Train). He has found every one of Aidan’s old Thomas books and carries them around with him everywhere – including daycare.  He likes to brush his teeth because his toothbrush and toothpaste both have Thomas on them. What I hear most often is, “Tain, tain…tom-ees, tom-ees!”

Fights (such as they are) will break out if Aidan is playing with the Thomas train that’s been his since he was Sean’s age…Sean has pretty much claimed any and all train items in the house as his own…At least I know what his birthday theme will be this year. 

Aidan has started calling me “Mom,” and I don’t love it.  But since he also refers to Almost Ex as “Dad” at least I know I’m not the only one.  He’s in another name phase…the name-calling phase. “Idiot!” Excuse me?  That one is directed mainly at Sean when he gets in Aidan’s way.  He’s so used to casually calling names when he plays pretend and (apparently) at the Boys and Girls Club, that it slips out when he’s upset with me. 

And then his eyes get very wide, because he knows that I don’t tolerate it.  When he slipped and referred to me as “Buttface” tonight, he realized his problem immediately.  Sad to say, he was not a happy boy at bedtime – which ended up being about 30 seconds after the buttface comment.

He’s also into the “total honesty” phase.  “Hey Mom, that guy is sooooooooooooo fat!” You know, in the loudest voice ever!  And when he adds his little smartass twist to it, it’s even worse.  In Subway today, he pointed out people and called them skinny…even the extremely large people sitting about 2 feet away from us.  Oh Lord!  I had to shut that one down, too…

And then, he does the most amazing things that make me very proud.  So I could finish my dinner tonight, he stood at Sean’s highchair and helped Sean with his yogurt.  (Sean’s getting the spoon thing but slowly.)  He picked up toys that Sean had thrown all over the living room (for a sticker, of course). 

I have great boys.  I’m a proud Mama (oops, I mean Mom).

Giving Up Guilt

I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was so deliriously tired at the end of the day, I couldn’t remember what I had on my mind…I remember waking up yesterday morning thinking, “Oh yes, that’s exactly it!” and ten minutes later whatever brilliant idea I had was gone…I needed sleep.   I don’t function well on 5 hours of sleep…

So last night, I slept.  And I look forward to repeating the process tonight. 🙂

Yesterday I completed the absolute last step in the divorce process.  The last form was filled out, notarized, and mailed off.  Now I have four to six weeks of waiting… And yet again, I felt…off.  Not depressed, not sad, not anything truly negative, but I didn’t feel like myself.  It dawned on me this morning that what I keep feeling is guilt…

 And I don’t understand, after everything that’s happened in the past 5 months, why I feel anything but relief…a lot of what I feel is probably perfectly normal – grief at the end of this chapter in my life, frustration at Almost Ex (was he really like this for the past 12 years?), loneliness when it gets too quiet, worry over how I’ll do the parenting thing on my own.  There’s still plenty to get through…but I made a decision this morning…

I’m done with the guilt.  Sure, there was plenty I could have done better during our marriage…but that’s not what happened and this is where we’re at…and as bad as I’ve hurt him, there is plenty of blame on his side, too…he’s said point blank he’s ready for this to be over and he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.  Well, good…at least we’re finally on one accord…

So no more guilt…I’m giving it up.  I have enough on my mind…there’s no room in my life to feel anymore guilt over this…as in so many other areas in my life, I’m moving forward…and I’m excited about what the future holds…

The Idea Was Good…If Not the Execution….

I had an idea on the way home today…a small little glimmering idea…I almost talked myself out of it, actually…No, this won’t work, I thought…I should have listened to that little voice…

I really really wanted to feel normal for a night…whatever normal is…I really really wanted to eat at a restaurant where the kids meal doesn’t come with plastic crap…I really wanted to eat some good barbecue…I really wanted Ms. B’s BBQ and Bakery  (OMG, freaking delicious!)…but I really really really fooled myself into thinking two little boys who were tired from a long day would patiently wait for food if cake was promised at the end…

Normally, Ms. B’s is fast…not tonight…the waitress was slow…the food was slow…you would think that two whiny little boys would make them WANT to get me out of there a little faster…by the time the second table that arrived after us got their food, I was ready to sell Aidan to the gypsies…but I don’t blame him.  He was expressing exactly what I was thinking, “When is the foooooooooooooooooood gonna get heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, Mooooooooooooooooooom.”

Imagine little gremlins at the table wreaking havoc – banging silverware, blowing raspberries on me, them, whatever, slurping drinks, whining…and then…food.  The heavens opened up and a chorus of “Hallelujah” could be heard across the land…finally, silence except for the sound of chewing.  I didn’t even care that I had to wait another five minutes for my food…

There was peace at booth #5.

Divorce Cakes and Pet Names

So I read an article this afternoon about divorce parties and divorce cakes.  And I was a little horrified…a cake topper with the groom’s head cut off?  T-shirts that say B.I.G – The Bastard is Gone?  That seemed extreme to me…but the idea of a party was kind of cool.  And of course, I showed Eebee the article…her response? “Do you want me to get you a cake?” Ummmm…

Ok, I loooooooooooooove cake…and after some of what I’ve gone through, I probably deserve to party and celebrate…but it feels wrong…don’t worry, I’m still trying to re-frame it in my head so I can justify it to myself…

It felt wrong…until this evening.  I was picking up the boys from Almost Ex…the routine is that I have him put the boys in Bubba so he gets one more hug and good-bye before we leave…that, and it’s nice to have someone else do the heavy lifting for 3.2 seconds.  His phone rang…it was his girlfriend…and I have opinions about that, but not here. 

But the part that got me a little (as a woman, not a mom…other things pissed off the mom in me…) was that he answered her phone call the way he’s answered my phone calls for 12 years…and oh, by the way, still does!  It’s a certain way that (I thought) he only did with me, it’s a tone, a word…It’s something small and he probably doesn’t even realize it…but it ticked me off!

A divorce cake with an inappropriate topper sounds pretty good to me right now.

Who Am I Talking To Again?

I think I might be turning into my grandmother…no, I’m not completely gray, and I don’t fall asleep with a cigarette in my mouth while crocheting (sad but true – and no, that’s not how she died, thankfully).  But I have 2 children and 1 dog, and there was not a single time today that I said the right name the first time. 

“Kahlua! Aidan! Dammit, Sean!”  It got even worse when Aidan helpfully reminded me who I was trying to yell at.  “Aidan! (dammit.) Sean! (shit.) (Kahlua, Mom. Thanks baby.) KAHLUA!”  And then there was the time I didn’t know what word I wanted…after I went through all three names and realized I was speaking to Sean (or trying to), then I had a multiple choice list of what we were doing: It’s lunch time, no, crap, dinner, dangit! What word do I want? (Naptime, Mom. Thanks Aidan). It’s naptime, Sean.  Sean, right?  Yeah, that’s the one.”

Whoa.

I’ve been out of sorts for two days.  No real reason.  Just got stuck in my head and couldn’t get out.  Which didn’t exactly help my cognitive skills.  Or at least that’s the excuse I’m going with today.

I thought about blogging it out, but I really didn’t want more word vomit…especially not after such a good Saturday.  I considered just being lazy tonight and curling up with my book.  But after nibbling on yummy dark chocolate brownies most of the day that didn’t seem like a good idea.  So, I turned my lover into my therapist and hit the treadmill for an hour.  The BEP station on Pandora is amazing and by the end, I was out of my head (a little) and feeling strong and lean…well, mentally strong and lean.

If I keep using the treadmill as therapy, the physical strength and leanness may come sooner than I anticipated…

BBQ, Ice Cream, and Fireworks…Oh My

I don’t really have anything major to talk about today…but when I blog, I feel more connected to the world somehow…and as much fun (more so for Aidan than for anyone else) as today was, I need to feel connected…to something. 

I surprised myself the other day when I decided to take the trip down to Destin today.  In good traffic it’s an hour drive.  This is tourist season and the area is booming, so I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.  But it was more important to me that Aidan get to see fireworks than the aggravation of bad traffic. Monday night is out of the question because 9pm fireworks don’t mix with a  4:45am (me) or 6am (them) wake up time on Tuesday. 

The traffic was HORRIBLE.  I’m not sure why the Florida Department of Transportation and the Mid Bay Bridge Authority ever thought that four lanes of traffic to get through the toll should squeeze into one lane for the bridge. Its a little scary when its the off-season.  Today was insane.  And that was after the hour I sat in traffic just trying to get TO the toll.  Aidan’s best line of the whole time we were stuck in traffic: “Mommy, we have to be done driving and start walking because my feet hurt!”  You sure about that, dude?

Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they see me with the boys…like tonight, when we got home from watching fireworks.  Both boys were asleep so I brought Sean in first.  When I put him down in the living room and went to get Aidan, he began screaming.  When I went back outside to get Aidan, Sean followed…crying and screaming, sounding rather pathetic, actually.  Our neighbors across the street were outside and stopped talking for a second when they heard him.  I couldn’t help but wonder if they were thinking, “Oh Lord, there’s that crazy woman and her rowdy kids” or if it was more along the lines of “that poor woman and her sad children”…OR if it was “Thank God that’s not me chasing after two boys!”  Somehow, I’m thinking that if they thought anything at all, it was the last one…

The night was good…I blew almost all my cash…mostly on Aidan – glow-in-the-dark things, the bouncey-house, a balloon parrot…and of course there was bbq and ice cream.  We waited 20 minutes for ice cream…and then the fireworks started.  I gave Aidan the option between getting ice cream or getting out of line and watching the fireworks…he chose ice cream.  We saw about 5 minutes of the fireworks…but that was ok because that’s all Sean could handle…did you know that feeding a toddler ice cream will get him to stop crying in fear over loud noises? 

I spent so much cash that I didn’t leave myself enough for the toll bridge back home…so we went the long way home…but we made it, and now they’re sacked out…and I’m the dork blogging about nothing at 11:00pm…

Aidan was happy with the adventure (once we got there)…Sean is so laid-back that all he cared about was his supply of apple juice…and I’m impressed with myself for making the trip…today was a good day.

 

%d bloggers like this: