Be Careful What You Wish For…

…because you might get exactly that.

Ok, I guess I’m due for a little word vomit or something (considering I just cleaned up real vomit, that seems appropriate).  I’ve been fine…I’ve been good…life has been stressful, but whose life isn’t?  I’m not unique or special in what I’m going through…I’m not the only person going through a divorce…I’m not the only woman out there trying to raise children with no help from the other parent…

If I compared my life to someone who’s having real problems, I’d probably feel small and petty…but damn it today seems harder than others…and this is my space so no apologies for the whining that is about the follow…

When I was contemplating the divorce from Almost Ex, the thing I wanted overwhelmingly was to be alone…I realize I’m a mother and so I will never be alone in the truest sense…but I had spent 12 years taking care of an overgrown child and had felt like I was doing it on my own anyway…I just wanted to be by myself (ok, sort of)…and damn if I didn’t get my wish…

I’m alone in the good, the bad, and the ugly…and I know I blogged a couple of weeks about being okay with it, and for the most part, I really am…I’m not overwhelmingly lonely…I can be by myself and be content…today just isn’t one of those days. Hell, I was alone for lunch today and it sucked…really?! (in my Michaela voice, as EB would say)…that’s a moment where you better suck it up and deal…it’s a MEAL for crying out loud?!  I can’t even count the amount of meals I will eat alone in my lifetime…one missed lunchdate is NOT the end of the world!!

Deciding that I can no longer take care of the family dog – that was a shitty decision to have to make on my own (especially knowing how Aidan will react once I tell him what’s going to happen)…not knowing what to do about Bubba (that’s my crappy vehicle for those who don’t know) since I can’t run the AC without the damn thing overheating (and the heat index has been about 110 or higher)…cleaning up Aidan’s vomit after he puked in his sleep (all I could think was what if he hadn’t been laying on his side?!)…it’s all normal stuff…none of this is huge…ok the dog thing might be…I am a grown woman…I have handled much bigger things than this…but today just isn’t the day…

And so my advice to whoever pays attention is to be careful what you damn well wish for…I don’t want to be with Almost Ex…that marriage died so many years ago it isn’t even funny…I think our only purpose for being together was to bring Aidan and Sean into the world…and they really can bring me back from a pretty crappy mood…but if I had known what I was asking for, I would have dreaded the alone part of this process instead of wishing for it…maybe then I could have mentally prepared myself for crappy days…

I feel like a whiner and a complainer…and I hate that feeling…life really isn’t bad…I’m making some big plans to improve our lives…and getting help and encouragement from family and friends…and I’m 4 weeks into the wait for this whole thing to be finalized…so, technically only 2 more weeks of waiting…it’s funny (ok not really funny) – sometimes, on days like this, I wish I had someone to turn to…but I know I have people to turn to, I just don’t because I think I lean on them too much…so, apparently, I just can’t be satisfied…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on August 3, 2011, in Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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