Monthly Archives: August 2011

Patience Isn’t A Virtue I Possess

It’s hard for me to admit sometimes, but I am an extremely impatient person.  I want what I want when I want it.  Big Brother tells me all the time to just be patient and not try to rush things…Of course, I’m not alone in my unvirtuous (?) ways…I think I’ve only met a few truly patient people in my life…

My lack of patience can put me in a pretty crappy mood sometimes…but I’m pretty moody by nature…what I’ve noticed is that I have more patience when “it” – the goal, the thing, the…whatever – is completely out of my hands.

Example – I was chomping at the bit to get all my paperwork filed for the divorce and everytime I was delayed by something, I was thrown into a bad mood for a day or two…but once it was filed, done, and just became a waiting game, I was fine.  Well, sort of…I’m checking my mailbox pretty frequently these days…

Ok, another example that’s not quite so depressing?  I need to get my house fixed up before I can even start planning what I want to do with it…I need to paint, I need to re-do the carpets in the bedrooms, I need to do some trim work…nothing too major, but plenty of work…and I want it done YESTERDAY…I want to move forward with my plans…I don’t want to be delayed by the WORK…I don’t want to be delayed by lack of money and expertise…and last night, I was in a foul mood over it…

Oh well, that’s life, huh?  Today is a new day, and I have a brighter outlook on it all…for everything I want in life there are two options – roll up my sleeves and get to work or just be patient and wait…today is a day to get done what I can get done…and not worry about the things that can only be taken care of by time…

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So Where Am I From?

I’ve watched the new trend of “If you’re from ___ place, you remember…” or “You’re from ____ if you remember…” and a couple other derivatives on Facebook…and it made me realize that I’m not really from anywhere…

Born in South Carolina, moved to Florida when I was a baby, lived in a couple of places before we settled in honest-to-God BFE (if you need me to translate that for you just email me)…we lived in the middle of the freaking WOODS…you couldn’t see your neighbors, one guy planted a TON of marijuana back there (I remember one of the small forest fires that broke out when I was a kid – needless to say, it was a little more potent than your average fire)…wild animals lived back there…the road wasn’t paved…every few months my dad would call someone, cuss them out for several minutes, and the next day a a guy on a grader would be out there smoothing the road over…

I went to elementary school in a town called Archer, FL.  I wonder if it’s still there…but I didn’t live in Archer…I lived on the BFE outskirts of a teeny, tiny town called Williston…wonder if it’s still there, too…

I went to Jr. High/middle school (when I was in 8th grade, it became a middle school) in Newberry, FL…didn’t live in Newberry…

Spent my freshman year in Newberry (still, lived in BFE)…moved to Gautier, MS and spent my sophomore and junior years in Pascagoula (didn’t live there) and finally spent my senior year IN Gautier at Gauter High. 

And the moment I could, I got the hell out and moved to Montgomery, AL for college…and then came back, because I didn’t know where else to go…

So where the hell am I from?  And what area do I have memories about?  That’s not a woe-is-me thing…it’s just a strange realization…even on my Facebook page, I don’t put a hometown…I’m not sure where it is, or which one to pick…what’s even stranger is that it’s not like I’m a military kid…we didn’t move around…so why don’t I have a hometown?

I don’t consider my current location a hometown…maybe I’m not sentimental enough for all that…maybe I just need something to dwell on and this was today’s thing…that’s probably it.

Be Careful What You Wish For…

…because you might get exactly that.

Ok, I guess I’m due for a little word vomit or something (considering I just cleaned up real vomit, that seems appropriate).  I’ve been fine…I’ve been good…life has been stressful, but whose life isn’t?  I’m not unique or special in what I’m going through…I’m not the only person going through a divorce…I’m not the only woman out there trying to raise children with no help from the other parent…

If I compared my life to someone who’s having real problems, I’d probably feel small and petty…but damn it today seems harder than others…and this is my space so no apologies for the whining that is about the follow…

When I was contemplating the divorce from Almost Ex, the thing I wanted overwhelmingly was to be alone…I realize I’m a mother and so I will never be alone in the truest sense…but I had spent 12 years taking care of an overgrown child and had felt like I was doing it on my own anyway…I just wanted to be by myself (ok, sort of)…and damn if I didn’t get my wish…

I’m alone in the good, the bad, and the ugly…and I know I blogged a couple of weeks about being okay with it, and for the most part, I really am…I’m not overwhelmingly lonely…I can be by myself and be content…today just isn’t one of those days. Hell, I was alone for lunch today and it sucked…really?! (in my Michaela voice, as EB would say)…that’s a moment where you better suck it up and deal…it’s a MEAL for crying out loud?!  I can’t even count the amount of meals I will eat alone in my lifetime…one missed lunchdate is NOT the end of the world!!

Deciding that I can no longer take care of the family dog – that was a shitty decision to have to make on my own (especially knowing how Aidan will react once I tell him what’s going to happen)…not knowing what to do about Bubba (that’s my crappy vehicle for those who don’t know) since I can’t run the AC without the damn thing overheating (and the heat index has been about 110 or higher)…cleaning up Aidan’s vomit after he puked in his sleep (all I could think was what if he hadn’t been laying on his side?!)…it’s all normal stuff…none of this is huge…ok the dog thing might be…I am a grown woman…I have handled much bigger things than this…but today just isn’t the day…

And so my advice to whoever pays attention is to be careful what you damn well wish for…I don’t want to be with Almost Ex…that marriage died so many years ago it isn’t even funny…I think our only purpose for being together was to bring Aidan and Sean into the world…and they really can bring me back from a pretty crappy mood…but if I had known what I was asking for, I would have dreaded the alone part of this process instead of wishing for it…maybe then I could have mentally prepared myself for crappy days…

I feel like a whiner and a complainer…and I hate that feeling…life really isn’t bad…I’m making some big plans to improve our lives…and getting help and encouragement from family and friends…and I’m 4 weeks into the wait for this whole thing to be finalized…so, technically only 2 more weeks of waiting…it’s funny (ok not really funny) – sometimes, on days like this, I wish I had someone to turn to…but I know I have people to turn to, I just don’t because I think I lean on them too much…so, apparently, I just can’t be satisfied…

Yeah, I Got Nothin’…

My mind has been very quiet for two days…still…what’s that saying about still waters running deep?  That might be giving me too much credit…

I’ve survived three days without Diet Coke…and come out on the other side much better…let’s not discuss what my friends and family endured during those three  days…

I’ve stared into the depths of a box of doughnuts and walked away…

I’ve been my dorky self with people who don’t know me well enough to realize that no, really, I’m not always that dorky…

I’ve had my butt kicked by both my treadmill and a chocolate chip cookie…the treadmill was a good butt-whoopin’…the chocolate cookie was just pathetic…3 days without sugar, and my body rejects a chocolate chip cookie?! 

I’ve started making plans for my future that will (hopefully) make life a little easier for all three of us.

I’ve purposely not dwelled on anything negative.

I’ve made the decision NOT to freak out by my workload…I’ll get done what I can each day, and if I don’t get to your thing today, you’re on my list tomorrow…just be patient…

So yeah, today, I’ve got nothin’…life is cruising along…

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