Maddeningly Independent or Stupidly Independent?

Life works in funny ways…I was pretty convinced of what I just had to blog about…until life intervened…

My afternoon has been an emotional roller coaster…Bubba (the piece of crap I drive) decided to do crazy things on my way home…According to the Step, it’s probably my water pump…really?!  I talked to the Step when I got home to get direction on what to do…I had to wait for Bubba to cool off before we could do anything…in the hour between phone calls (I was under orders to call back to get further instructions), all I could think about was how I was going to have a new water pump installed…and what the hell I was supposed to drive in the meantime…and and and…

And it never dawned on me to ask anyone for help…Big Brother called and when he asked how I was doing, I just said, “Fine.”  I have other friends, plenty of good friends…it never occurred me to call them, either…I know that the people who care about me and the boys would be there for us…and I just don’t lean well…

I had a long conversation with BBFF (boy BFF) and discovered that he had been on the hunt to try and solve my car problem for me…without ever saying a word…I reminded him that if he had shown up at my door with a car, I would have thrown a major fit…he didn’t care…

I don’t like to ask for help with small things…and I certainly don’t like to ask for help with the big things…part of it is because my parents raised me to be independent…part of it’s my basic personality…part of it is because I don’t ever want to be perceived as weak or incapable…and part of it is because of what some would call flawed thinking…

Here’s the thing…I asked for this divorce…wanted it, needed it, and have NO regrets…but I took myself out of a marriage where there was at least the appearance of having help and chose a life of being by myself…to me, that means I need to handle the issues that come along by myself…I know who I can call when I need an ear, I know who loves my children enough to help me with them, I know those things…but I never want to lean so hard that I wear those friendships out…so it’s easier to hardly lean at all…And it drives my friends crazy…what can I say, I am often maddeningly, stupidly independent…

Oh, and there is a possible solution to the Bubba problem.  If it comes to pass, I will write about it in a separate post…but know that my loved ones are forcing me to accept help…and I’m so desperate for a solution, I’m just damned grateful and am actually speechless about it…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on September 2, 2011, in Independent Michaela and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. But APPEARING to have help gets very emotionally draining. That’s how my marriage to the kid’s dad was. Everyone says well he seemed so helpful, and I would have to burst their bubble and tell them “yea that was all a show as soon as you left or we left the real him would come out. sitting on the couch drinking a beer or sleeping in bed.” It was very draining and slowly as people started seeing all the things I had been doing on my own they got the picture..

    I’m the same way. I’ll call my dad first. I locked myself out of the house a couple Sundays ago and we were supposed to head over to B’s. Well I tried every damn thing I could to get into my house including getting up on the roof, before calling said boyfriend and admitting defeat. My kids were like you’re calling him? Luckily he taught me how to jimmy the door open. hmmm should I be worried?lol

    • You’re absolutely right. The appearance of help without actually receiving it was part of what lead to the divorce…it’s one of the million reasons I’m not good at asking for help…I didn’t have that much of it for 12 years, so I have no expectation of it now…

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