Are You Sure?

As I was loading the boys into the car this afternoon, the strangest thought crossed my mind…”Who left me in charge?!”

For a brief moment, it was like I was on the outside looking in, and I just thought, “Are you sure this is my life? How did I get to this point? What the hell am I doing?”

Was it because Aidan had thrown his daily afternoon fit, and I still don’t have the right Mean Mom look yet to stop that in its tracks?  Was it just a moment when the full reality of being a single mom actually hit me?  I usually don’t think too hard about my life during the day while I’m trying to get through from moment to moment…that what this blog is for, thank you very much. But that was a moment when my introspective self collided with my just-gettin’-by self, and it was strange.

I wasn’t upset before or after the thought crossed my mind…I’m still not…this isn’t about me not being able to handle my life…actually, I think it stems from be finally starting to take a little bit of control back…

I’ve accepted a lot of help from my family over the past few weeks – for which I am extremely grateful…however…when someone else is spending the money, their opinion carries a lot of weight…and today, I got to thinking about the past few weeks and the next few weeks ahead – the move, the new school/daycare, eventually the new car…and I realized I was waiting for someone else to make the decisions (whatever those decisions might be)…I was waiting for someone to tell me when it was ok to do what…

And I realized that’s crazy! Yes, I am accepting a LOT of help…and after years of struggling with no help, yeah, I’m finally ok with taking help…but that doesn’t mean this isn’t still my life…and I’ve waited in some sort of holding pattern for the past few weeks, waiting on…hell, I don’t know…but back to waiting.  I’m done waiting…

I don’t know who the hell left me in charge, and I’m not sure they aren’t crazy…but if I’m the one in charge, then we’re doing it MY way.

Advertisements

About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on October 3, 2011, in Independent Michaela and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I really wanted to tackle the treadmill post…but I’m catching up with all of your stuff, and i’ve got cool stuff to say to you…. first and foremost… i missed your exploits while I was gone to NZ…. I am truly one of those peeps that keeps reading a book while it’s written waiting for the chapter I love most to be published…

    You’ve got an iron will underneath that facade of yours… I read so many of your words and I also attempt to read between the lines of this girl I respect… you really are an in-charge kinda girl even when your life seems to be outta whack I don’t really catch that in your words… a lot of respect in there..but when…when am i going to get the one post I keep searching for from you… the one where it’s fine to break down….the one where it’s fine to find fault in one’s nature? I crave to know the insecure version without any control what-so-ever…. it is about the core human that I yearn to read about… that person is raw..unfiltered…and respect-worthy to me…I’m not saying you aren’t right now, i’m saying, it’s the words that I want to be open to reading… it’s viewing the life outside of mine 15 years ago that reminds me so much of your life today… barely within my control….barely within reasonable means… I remember those days… working all of my stores plus corporate life…

    Having kids…wondering if my travel life would ever develop…. well there’s so much more to the story…yet..i’m gonna keep reading and waiting on yours to develop….

    T.

    • Oh, T., I missed you while you were in NZ…something about even knowing you’re reading my posts makes me smile…I think it’s because I respect your viewpoint, even if I don’t always understand it. And I do like reading about your adventures…

      I don’t know how to let go of any amount of control – personally, professionally, and even internally…letting go of that iron-grip requires a certain vulnerability that I don’t know if I possess…at least not in a forum like this…I’ve come close…if you’ve read any of my “word vomit” that’s as close I think I can get right now…one-on-one with someone I trust, I let go of it a little more…I think I’m afraid of being raw…what if I don’t like that person?

      Maybe one day I’ll find a way to show that side of me…to myself and the rest of the world…but just know, on a lot of levels, I am an insecure, scared little girl trying to figure out why the grownups left me in charge…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: