Frustrated

There are times when I feel like I spend my life frustrated…sometimes it’s because my expectations are either too high or not fully thought out…sometimes its because I’m looking for easy – and that almost never happens…

On the one hand, I’m that person who believes that anything in life worth having is worth working hard for – meaning that very little comes easy, and I wouldn’t trust it if it did…on the other hand, I have been told, and want to believe, that if you’re on the path you should be, doors will often open that you don’t expect…

All I want to do is move…I want to get out of this house (it goes on the market in the next day or so…know anyone who just can’t wait to live in a little town called Crestview, FL?)…I want to move closer to work…I want to pay a little less each month – because I’m freaking drowning over here, and something’s got to give…but silly me, I also want to feel safe wherever I live and have enough space for 2 rowdy little boys to be, well, rowdy little boys…apparently, I’m asking for a miracle…

I’m filled with doubts – can this space hold most of our stuff? I don’t have a lot of stuff but I think the beds, couch, and kitchen table are essential items, and dammit, wherever I live should be able to hold at least that…Is this area safe?  Would we ever actually leave during the day, and how would I feel if I brought them home to this late at night??

Is this the right place for us?  I’m a big believer that you know when something feels right – and when it doesn’t…and I should wait for it to feel right…but I’m feeling pressured from my own deadline – November 1.  Why November 1? Because 8 days later, I’ll be in Anaheim, CA for 5 days…and right after that it’s balls to the wall until February at work…this is the perfect time…except the perfect place isn’t materializing…and I’m filled with self-doubt…

I’m making a major decision which affects my children…and I need to get it right…this isn’t something I can half-ass or just make work…the safety of the boys (and my perception of their safety) is too important…which is why I found myself driving around town this afternoon after looking at yet another really crappy option, lost in thought, mentally panicking…I was almost back at work when I realized I hadn’t returned the key to the rental company…

I’ve made plenty of decisions for our family in the past few months, but none like this…I’m uprooting Aidan from his school, I’m taking Sean away from a daycare that adores him, to do what? Put them in some crap hole-in-the-wall just so I can get away from my own personal demons?  Am I being selfish?  Couldn’t I just toughen up a little, tighten the belt a little more, and deal with it?

Intellectually, I know the answers…but if I screw up this decision, what does that say about everything else that comes after?  I’m responsible for this family, for two little boys who are looking to me to keep everything right in their world…I just want a safe, decent, affordable home…how can that be so damn hard?

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on October 11, 2011, in Moments in Life, Raising Boys, Thinking and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. It says you’re learning how to do things on your own and you might stumble a bit but in the end the most important thing is that your kids know you love them and that you’re trying to do everything you can for the best,happiness,and safety of them. Talk with them. I know they’re young but if you let them in on some of the little things they might surprise you with the understanding they have.

    Hugs I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling.

  2. hi….kids are resilient…not only that, but they’re very understanding…so go with your gut girly-girl… get back to loving yourself.. love that fact that you’re going through what all parents go thru and just swallow the tought times and know they will get better… tough times don’t last…tough people do…

    You are a wonderful woman…if I had my way, i’d pull you to flordia since california is a billionty miles from here…meh..it should be you and where you want to be baby… smile..look at yourself extra long in the mirror today and love that girl…so wish I was there to give you a big hug…those boys will be fine..they have what they need which is their momma…so suck it up…life is not folding in upon you…it’s just getting started…

    T.

    • You’re awesome T…you always manage to make me think AND to make me feel better…and actually, I’m in Florida…so, you can come here for that hug anytime you want…I can always use good friends…

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