Today I Grieved…

It had to happen at some point, and today was the day…today, I finally grieved the end of my marriage…not all day, not for a long period of time, but it did happen…

Today, I moved…I moved from the first house I ever bought…a house that was filled with so much promise three years ago when we bought  it…we had a picnic in our empty living room the day we closed on it…we were filled with plans for it…

Three years, 6 months, and 21 days later, that chapter in my life closed…when I look around the house, I can barely remember the hopes and dreams we had for our home…I remember the fights…I remember the broken door frames…I remember the punched walls…I remember April 12, the day he lost it completely – and lost my trust in the process…

When I did the last walk through to make sure nothing needed to go into the moving van, it hurt to look at the empty rooms…I cried as I drove down the road…I sobbed…I couldn’t see the road (thank God the boys were in the other car with their grandmother)…my heart ached because it was never supposed to end like this…12 years ago when I met The Ex and 9 years ago when I married him – that was supposed to last forever…

We came back tonight for a moment (to pick up one last thing), and I felt so sad…I told the boys to say good bye to the “old house” – they aren’t going to see it again anytime soon…I immediately started referring to this new house as home…it’s not really home yet, but it will be…it’s filled with promise…it’s waiting for new memories…right now, tonight, it feels like I’m visiting someone’s house…I’m still a stranger here – but not for long…

There’s a little fear, too…it’s all on me now…everything I did before was the continuation of routines and plans from an old life…now, whatever we do here, however we do it, it’s on me to figure out the best way, find a routine that works, and help the boys adjust…but it’s a new beginning…

I’m glad I grieved for the old today…I wondered if I had any feeling left for Michaela Benjamin…Michaela Mitchell is a new girl in a new day…but Michaela Benjamin deserved to be mourned a little..I’m not a heartless person – my emotions run very deep – but I had been uncaring, unfeeling, numb through a lot of the divorce (not all, but a lot)…today it hurt…

Tomorrow will be better.

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on October 29, 2011, in Independent Michaela, Moments in Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I think being numb through divorce is part of our body’s self-preservation mode and coping mechanism. I felt the same way through much of mine. I’m a pretty emotional person, but during the most difficult actually separating part, I was unfeeling and numb. And fortunately so, because if I hadn’t been experiencing that numbness, I know I might have got sucked back in to the marriage. Good luck on all the things new in your life & all of the many things you have to look forward to!

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