What’s In My Head, Desperate To Get Out?

Hell if I know…last night, as I was drifting off to sleep (after walking Aidan back to his bed for the SECOND time because I was sooooo serious that he needed to sleep in his own bed), I started mentally writing – something brilliant, I’m sure, but I don’t remember now…I’ve thought that my writing has been flat for the past several days…which is a big reason why I haven’t had much to say…

And I think I know why…because I’m not writing what’s in my head…I’m writing fluff…I’m not really about fluff…every once in a while, sure, but in this space, it’s not supposed to be about fluff…it’s supposed to be me figuring out life, figuring out myself…

So what’s in my head right now?

I’m worried about love and sex and romance (but not necessarily in that order)…and I don’t think I’m supposed to be worried about that yet because I’ve only been divorced three months…I think I’m supposed to be trying to go out and have fun and attempt to live the single life when I have appropriate childcare (it’s still illegal to leave your child on a shelf while you go out, I checked)…but that’s not me…it is if I’m with people I trust…it is if I’m comfortable with the group I’m with…but you’re not going to find me clubbing or bar-hopping for the most part…

And I refuse to do the online dating thing…I’ve heard horror stories…I have a blogging friend who’s got horror stories…for me to meet someone it has to be through work (which has happened and it’s fun when time allows) or through friends (which makes me nervous because the majority of my friends are my mother’s age…no one wants the person their mother prefers) or…

Or…BBFF…

I’m not sure if I believe in soul mates…The Ex billed himself as my soul mate, and I don’t think I ever completely bought that (and clearly we weren’t if how our relationship ended is any indication)…I’m not sure what I believe in when it comes to romance and love…and that in itself proves to be a problem…because BBFF and I have a strange connection that I don’t understand…we have an understanding about each other that I don’t understand…and that scares the hell out of me…

Am I being smart by saying that I need to live the life of a single woman for a while (even though I have no clue what that even means)? Am I being stupid by slowing down something that feels good and right? Am I over-thinking the whole thing and should just let it all play out, enjoying the moments as they come, and not worry about the future?

I don’t know…guess I need to figure that out…

Oh, and since I don’t have permission from BBFF to blog about BBFF, I’m not going into details…I might not respect my own privacy, but I will respect his and everyone else’s…so you just have to deal with the thoughts that roll around in my head…

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Posted on November 7, 2011, in Independent Michaela, Thinking and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Well I’ve done the online thing on and off. Me and b did meet through online and it’s the first successful turn out I’ve had lol.

    I don’t think it’s wrong to think about dating,love,or sex. It’s all very basic needs.

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