Monthly Archives: November 2011

Too Much Down Time

I’ve been begging for down time (mentally begging) for ages now…I’ve wished for it…I’ve coveted it…I’ve dreamed about it…until I got it…and what I never saw coming was that I don’t do well with too much time on my hands and not enough to do…

I guess it goes back to being able to live in my head a lot of the time…with too much time to myself, I naturally drift back there…and I was unprepared for how it hit me today…

I’m still not good with the whole alone thing…pretty sad for someone who purposely chooses not to have a large group of friends…I really didn’t feel like running around today…I wanted to be by myself…but I think it was the worst thing I could have done…a quiet, dark house with nothing to do (other than 2 loads of laundry and a load of dishes), and I was in a low mood all day…just ask BBFF, he’ll tell you I was no picnic…

It’s probably not healthy, but I think I need to keep myself busy…I need to have something to focus on…I need to keep my mind busy and working towards something…

So that’s what I’m looking for…the next thing to keep myself occupied, busy…

On the bright side, I actually enjoyed some time with the boys tonight and am looking forward to the weekend with them (ask me on Sunday if I still feel this way, though)…I’ve had a much needed break from them, and it’s brought back a little of my patience…Aidan and I had a tickle war tonight…normally I hate to be tickled…Sean was so sleepy, he let me cuddle with him, which was sweet and something I’ve missed lately…

So today I learned that I’m not good with too much down time…hopefully I’ll fill it up in a less insane way then the way it’s been filled in the last year or so…

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Today, It Was All About Me

Since I’m unpacked, the house is clean, and I’m on vacation, I decided at least one day this week was going to be all about me…today was it.

I had a relatively decent conversation with The Ex today…on my very peaceful balcony…ahhh, bliss…well, the balcony, not the conversation…

I went to lunch with Mom #2 – I owed her from this weekend…she helped unpack the moving van on Saturday and she helped wrangle two small children during Trunk or Treat at her church on Sunday…

And then, I lost my mind a little…first it was the mani/pedi with navy blue polish (I really think in another life, I’d be some sort of rocker chick…)…then it was the stroll through Bath & Body Works for a new “flavor” as I like to call it (black amethyst for anyone curious)…and then it was the tattoo.

Yes, you read that right…I got a new tattoo…back in June, I said I wanted one…I thought I would get it after the divorce was finalized and it never worked out…it feels right that I was able to do it now when I’m at a fresh start in life…I’d rather the significance be attached to that instead of a crazy divorce…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you ask, it’s a scorpion…because I am Scorpio…in almost every single solitary sense…No, really, read this…except the bad stuff…ok, so even the bad stuff – but I have self-control, so I don’t let that side of myself out…

The whole day was a little strange for me…because other than lunch, I was by myself all day…and I was comfortable with it…I made random chit-chat with the guy who did the mani/pedi…and learned that having someone blow on my toes is a cool feeling…yeah, I know TMI, but I didn’t know that about myself until today…and before you sickos get all weird, he did it to dry some stuff he put on my feet…Geez!

I walked around the downtown area of Fort Walton Beach and loved it…I need to go back and try the cupcake place…mmmm, cupcakes…I looked out over the water – until the homeless man made a pass at me…then I quickly left…

I meandered through my day completely alone and in my own thoughts, doing my own thing…even when I got my tattoo…I had a couple of offers from people who were willing to be with me – but I would have had to wait…and I didn’t want to wait…today was a good day for it…and going in there by myself, sitting through the “discomfort” (oh hell, it’s pain, NOT discomfort) was me somehow proving something to myself…

I’m glad today (the first in a long, long, long, long, looooooooooooooong time) was about me…tomorrow, can be about someone else…

I’m Home…

I’m home…such a simple concept, right?  But that thought hit me tonight like a ton of bricks…

I’m 100% unpacked…99.9% of our stuff is exactly where I want it to be…that other 0.1% is still a work in progress…my house is clean – once I finished unpacking, that was the next must-do on the list…and I didn’t mind (too much)…

People were shocked that I unpacked so quickly…I don’t do well in chaos and a house full of boxes is nothing BUT chaos…part of it is an effort to not live in chaos, part of it is that I want to spend the rest of my vacation playing a little…but part of it is that I’m excited to set up my own home…before this weekend, it had never been mine, it had always been ours – The Ex and I – and because I always had to rush off to work each time we moved, he decided where every thing went…who knew that putting things where I want them to go would be so important?

The reason this idea of being home is so big (and warrants an entire post) is that tonight I realized that for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of where I live, of the home I’ve created, and I want people to come visit me…that’s huge in my mind…

For years, I have offered to go to someone else’s home, meet them somewhere, anything to keep them from my house…was it because it always smelled like cigarette smoke (how in the hell did I marry a smoker?!)? Was it because something was always broken down, busted, or falling apart? Was it because it was never clean enough (in my mind) because I depended on The Ex to take care of it and that never happened?  Is it simply because it’s mine?  I don’t know…

But I’m home…and I’m happy to be home…and I will take care of this place so that when I move out one day in the future, someone else can be proud to live here, too…

I’m ready to create new memories…I’m ready to live in this home…live, not just survive, not just exist…but really live.

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