Some Hard Truths

I guess I’m due for this…probably overdue…Today, for whatever reason, I finally had to face some hard truths about myself…

The move didn’t fix everything: I moved in a month ago, and for the past month, I felt like new life had been breathed into me…like nothing could really bother me…like I had finally moved on…I was wrong…

I’m driving Bubba again…and I hate it…and for the first time in a month, I feel like I did before I moved…defeated, beaten down, hopeless…I had forgotten those feelings…or maybe I just ignored them…Bubba is the biggest reminder of The Ex and his ability to hurt me…or my ability to let him hurt me…

My life will never be “normal”: My relationship with The Ex for 12 years wasn’t typical, why did I ever think I could have a typical divorce? He barely worked while we were together…he didn’t contribute in our marriage…I made all decisions…I took care of everything…why did I think that in divorce he would change? The only difference now is that I don’t run his life or make decisions…but he still isn’t contributing – time or money…I realized today that he has never contributed financially to our children…he was a stay-at-home dad (I use that term loosely, because the parents who have that job work VERY hard…he didn’t), so he never actually had to worry about the money it costs to raise children…and he still doesn’t…

As I explained to my mom today, I’m in “like” with someone…who lives hours away…who has his own busy life…who has his own worries…so the first real man that can handle my insanity comes into my world, and I can’t even go on a freaking date with him like a normal person…

The Ex can still push every button I have, and I let him: WTF? I don’t love him…I don’t like him…I have almost no respect for him…how is he still able to get under my skin? Why do I allow him to push those buttons? And when will I be brave enough to let him try to make good on his threats to just disappear from our lives?

Am I really forcing him to show up and participate for the boys or is it something else? Am I so selfish that I want him to spend time with the boys just as much for me as for them and I’m afraid to lose those few free moments?

I’m facing a possible return to those months when he barely came around and I never got a break…and it scares the crap out of me…what does that say about me? It leads to me to the last hard truth I have to accept…

I am not maternal: I love my boys…would kill and die for them…I am desperate for them to grow up to be better than The Ex…and me…but the more time I spend with them, the more frustrated I become…

I have nothing but admiration for people who say they adore spending time with their children…who can’t wait to be with them…who plan fun activities and vacations…but when I come across those people, I feel like I’m missing something…like I’m listening to someone speak a foreign language…

I’m not creative…and I don’t have extra income for the extracurricular activities that keep most kids busy…so when the weekend comes around, I don’t always know what to do with them…I’m done with the park after about 30 minutes…I don’t want to go to places where toys are sold (whiny children aren’t fun for anyone)…I lack whatever it is that other parents possess that allow them to keep their children occupied on the weekends…money isn’t always necessary, I know…that isn’t my gripe…other than feeding, clothing, disciplining, and loving my boys, I have no clue what to do with them so that all of us keep from going crazy…

I’m sure I have several more truths to face in the future, but these are the ones that hit me like a truck today…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on December 1, 2011, in Random, Thinking, Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Terry-Michael Roberson

    Hi Michaela,

    I know you have had your ups and downs with your ex. I know you have had more downs than ups. But the truth is none of this is your fault. None of what he is now, ever was, or is going to be is no bearing on you or your judgement in people. Your boys are very lucky to have you for a mom. What a wonderful example you are setting for your boys. ONE OF THE HARDEST choices I made in my entire life was leaving Lowes. I left to spend time with my girls. I left without a plan B. I have never in my life done something like this before. Money has been tight trying to make the retirement stretch so I can spend more time with them. We don’t always go anywhere. We sit at home and play scavenger hunts. We talk about what they want to be when they grow up. We play card games. By no means am I creative either. Just ask your Mom. lol Leaving my job was hard but what was harder was leaving your Mom. I have never had a boss like her before and never will again. I would lay my life down for her that is how much I respect her and love her as a person. With that being said, one of the things she used to say to me. She always had to work also and she said that it wasn’t the quality of time but rather the quantity of time that was important when you were growing up. Do not ever doubt yourself or your maternal instincts. You are a great mother, because if not you would let them grow up and be like their father. Michaela I know we haven’t really ever known each other. I am a great listener and feel like I may even add to the conversation every now and then. lol If you ever need someone to talk to with an objective opinion I am here. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the boys always. My number is 228/297-6211.
    Terry Robersonn

  2. Awww. Honey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It takes time after a divorce, especially after being with someone for that long, to heal. No matter the situation that caused the divorced, no matter who’s choice it was, it still takes time.

    Please know that every mother doesn’t enjoy their children’s company 24/7. Please know that we’re all not planning big extravagant outings. You are a great mother.. I’m sure of it.

    Keep your head high girl….

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