Monthly Archives: January 2012

Not Sure What I’m Thinking Today

Sometimes my days drive this blog…sometimes I start mentally writing from the moment I wake up…today was a combo…

My head and heart have been in a strange place lately…

I have two competing feelings…one is a feeling of slight betrayal…the other is unappreciation…I do believe that other people don’t make you react, you and who you are as a person causes your reactions…

What the hell is a slight betrayal? It’s a nice way of saying I feel let down by someone who has no clue I feel that way, but if they were paying more attention, they would know…of course, if they were paying attention, I probably wouldn’t feel this way…confused yet?

When I let someone get close to me, I have to bring down my very natural barriers…I have to take a leap of faith that they won’t hurt me (not physically, of course)…I don’t open myself up to people very often…hell, even in my own blog I’m cautious…but I did…I ripped down my own walls for someone, and because of lack of attention, lack of care, lack of thought, lack of something, my heart hurts…and my instinct is to slam my walls right back up, thicker than before…but that person didn’t do anything to me…my own expectations got in the way…

Which leads me to my next issue of the day…

I don’t do things, professionally or personally, because I expect accolades, atta girls, or pats on the back…I work hard, do what’s right, and push through the hard times because that’s just what I do…but lately I have felt extremely unappreciated…

Is it because I have incorrect expectations? If I’m feeling this way, is it me or is it them? (That’s a rhetorical question, of course, because how would you know?)

I don’t know the answers, either…all I know is that I don’t want heartache on top of everything else…but in my most quiet moments, that’s all I can feel…

Facing The Giants

I thought of my blog title while talking to Big Brother today…yeah, this blogging thing is an illness sometimes…he and I were having a very serious conversation about my no-good, really bad day on Friday…

I really did pay attention to his advice, but being the eloquent guy he is, that phrase stuck with me…

I was bemoaning some of the issues I’ve been going through…and as always he reminded me that I am so much more than my problems…he promised, as someone who has been there, that I will make it to the other side and these days will be just a blip on my radar…

He chided me on burying my head in the sand on some of the issues in my life…he told me to face the giants, and know that having to tell someone things they don’t want to hear is not the end of the world…

Y’all, I hate confrontation…even when I’m right, but especially when I could be wrong…it’s the fear of an argument that I may not be able to refute…it’s the fear (yes, fear) of being yelled at and of disapproval…

I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I don’t always think fast on my feet…especially in a heated moment, or at least what I fear might be heated…so instead of having a moment of not knowing how to respond to something negative, I prefer to just avoid it…I’m a total ostrich…

The big problem with that? Most of the time the confrontation I fear never materializes…and as Big Brother always reminds me, if I do what I know is right, the confrontation doesn’t really matter…

/sigh…I guess I gotta start facing those damn giants…

Sometimes It’s Better Not To Think Too Much

On Friday I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through this weekend…

The boys weren’t going to see The Ex like they should, so no break for me…I had such an awful day on Friday, that I could have spent the whole weekend dwelling…I just wasn’t excited about the weekend…

And I learned (or reminded myself) that if I just stay busy, keep moving, and focus on the here and now, I could survive…I’m a thinker, a dweller by nature…this weekend was exhausting

My house is clean, my life is a little more organized, Aidan and I have a new understanding about his behavior, and I have worked out and eaten right all weekend…and I’ve kept my mind blissfully blank…

I don’t think I could keep it up forever, but for one weekend, it was necessary that I not think too much…

Some Days Are Better Than Others…This Wasn’t One of Them

I don’t know how I managed to keep my game face on today, but I did…I wanted to cry at 10am, and it was 10pm before I let it go…

The hits kept coming all day…typical stuff, random stuff, stuff that probably isn’t that big a deal, but felt bigger because of my mood…

I should probably discuss the details, get it out of my system…but I don’t want to…some stuff doesn’t have to live on the internet forever…and it doesn’t really matter…I believe the technical term is “same shit, different day.”

There are rare moments, today was one of them, when I wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off staying married…sometimes it just seems too hard…sometimes the number of changes and adjustments are too many and too overwhelming…my heart immediately rejects that notion, though…because I want something better than I had in my marriage…and before someone who doesn’t know offers a lecture, I worked damn hard on my marriage for years before I was strong enough to walk away…

I want something I didn’t believe in when I was married…I want the freaking fairy tale…I want the man who gets me and doesn’t run screaming…I want to have someone I trust enough to lean on…I want the man who understands I don’t lean easily but makes me…I want to be romanced…I want to be loved…I want to be brought back down to earth when I get too nuts and I want to be lifted up when I get too down…

I got sucked into an episode of Say Yes to the Dress…that didn’t help…but I know if I ever get remarried, I will get the freaking fairy tale dress, and I dare anyone to try and tell me no…

On the bright side (because there’s always a bright side), I did not emotionally eat my way through this day…

Gotta Get My Swagger Back

I am so pissed at myself…

I finally had to face a hard reality this morning…those 15 pounds I keep saying I’ve gained are real, y’all!

I have a pair of pants I’ve avoided for at least a month, maybe longer, because I know how they fit without the 15 pounds…I knew it wouldn’t be good…holy crap, it was horrible…I looked like a stuffed sausage!!

Losing weight is hard, gaining weight is easy…the will to do the hard work it takes to lose weight requires a catalyst…when I was at my heaviest, 5 years ago, at 260 pounds, it took a picture…it was probably the first picture I had allowed to be taken of me in a couple of years…and it was terrifying…I didn’t recognize myself…some fat people have multiple chins – I had one giant chin…it was disgusting…and I think it was the disgust I felt at looking at myself that motivated me…88 pounds later, I was happy and only needed to lose another 20 pounds…

Fast forward a few years…I maintained the weight, got pregnant, gained a few, lost them, and went through a turbulent, emotional year…I’m an emotional eater…I know that about myself and it’s something I have to fight…I also love food…the divorce, the adjustment to being a single mom, the craziness at work, the new life, the money problems – all of this and more drives me to fast food and too much food, even when it’s NOT fast food…15 pounds later (on top of the 20 I still wanted to lose), here we are…

I started my day very determined to do what I know what I need to do…I broadcast my intentions to anyone who would listen..right now, it’s easy because my motivation is high…but I gotta a little extra push today…

Big Brother said something to me that hit home, but still surprised me…”Michaela, you’ve got to get your swagger back…get back to who you were before when you were working out and cared more.” I was surprised because I figured it hadn’t been that noticeable…

But the reality is that it’s very clear to anyone who knows me…I started hiding in my clothes…I stopped wearing my sassy earrings that make me happy…I barely wear makeup most days…I keep my head down a lot…I notice that my shoulders are slumped more often than not…

And I’ve got to get over this crap! So today is day one…today was a good day…I even ran on the treadmill a little…that felt damn good…

It’s not just about the 15 pounds…it’s not just about looking like a sausage in my pants…it’s about getting my swagger back…

Passion, Love, and Changing Priorities

I love what I do for a living…I tend to feel silly admitting that because it’s not something people say much…I’m not just grateful to be employed (even though I’m damn grateful for that)…I don’t just like my co-workers…it’s not just a good organization (and it is definitely that)…I genuinely love what I do…

I never understood what finding your passion meant until March 2010…on paper I’m called a Communications Director…technically it means I do public relations, marketing, advertising, blah blah blah…in actuality it means I talk for a living…I am constantly finding new ways to communicate information so people will pay attention, take action, care about what I’m telling them…and I. Love. It.

And while there are both good and bad days in any job, everyday I am disgustingly happy to have the job that I do, and I am constantly looking for ways to improve and do more…ok, so saying all of that really does have a purpose…

In the past year or so, maybe a little longer, I have thought a lot about volunteering, giving back to my community…my concerns are always the time issue…do I have time to go somewhere and do something, especially with extremely limited access to after hours childcare? I also shy away from things that require a lot of interaction with crowds…I am capable of doing things that require that, but only once I’m comfortable and feel knowledgeable…but it’s been on my mind a lot…

I need to do something that makes me focus on something other than me…it’s easy for me to forget that there are people out in the world who have it so much worse than I do…selfishly, I also want to do more of what I love, because I love it, because it can make a difference, irrespective of pay…

I walked right into an amazing opportunity today…while sitting through a presentation about the local Guardian Ad Litem program, a two minute PSA video had me close to tears…I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know (hell, I barely cry in front of people I do know…)…but the idea of working with children, even for a worthy cause, didn’t excite me…so, during a momentary break, I asked something that may change my life forever…I asked about other opportunities to help…I described what I do for a living, my passion for it…

Have you ever seen a priceless opportunity right in front of you and known you can’t let it pass by, no matter what, no matter how scary? Yeah, me too…the response I received to my inquiry was that they may have the perfect thing for me…Chair of Public Relations for two counties…working with a Vice President for the non-profit…wait, what? Ummm, are you sure??

Part of me thinks they aren’t really serious, that someone with more experience than I have will step up and do the job “right.” Part of me thinks I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will have been a dream…but every fiber of my being hopes that this is really real, that I can do something, even in a small way, that helps this organization meet their ultimate goal – helping children.

Doing what I love, what I’m passionate about, for someone other than myself, to make a difference in the world, to be a part of something bigger…yeah, I think I can handle that…

Irrationally Hating Bubba

I hate you…in an irrational way that makes me seem a little crazy…you are so much more than a mode of transportation…

You make me remember one of the worst times in my life…you were used to cause aggravation and pain…you are a last reminder of a time in my life that I want to be shed of…

And yet, you are none of those things, because I’m only projecting my own issues onto you…

You scare me because I don’t trust you…you embarass me because you’re not anything I would ever drive…you stress me out…

But you don’t really do any of that either…that’s me again…

Knowing that my hatred is irrational doesn’t change it…it doesn’t even come close…I accept that it’s insane…I embrace it a little…I get angry because I know my life won’t immediately be better when I kick you to the curb, but I want to believe a weight will lift….

When I am lucky enough to forget about you for a few days, I hope a miracle will happen and I’ll be able to forget about you forever…driving something else feels like freedom…like a weight has lifted…like flying…

When I am forced to admit that life doesn’t work that way and I take you back, I feel the weight drop back on my shoulders…heavier than before…and all I can think about is how much I hate you…yeah, it’s not rational…it might not even be sane…and it definitely isn’t healthy…but Bubba, I hate you…and I will not shed a tear when you go…

A Little Bit of Balance

I have been in an amazingly wonderful mood all day…and five minutes before I sat down to write this, Aidan had me so angry that my head actually throbbed at the temples…I laid down the law, won the battle, and then took several deep breaths…I didn’t want to lose the good feeling any sooner than I had to…

And I expect the way I feel today to fade…unfortunately…

I had a trifecta of what I needed this weekend…time with my family in MS…the comfort of a reliable vehicle…and an hour with BBFF (which wasn’t enough time, but I was grateful for it)…

My YY came to visit this weekend…we rented a car and drove to MS to see my mom and The Step…we sped down the highway, talking and laughing…the boys and I were so excited to finally be heading toward MS – for the first time in months and months…

Aidan tore out of the car before I got it in park and ran to his Grandma…screaming for her…Sean laughed and laughed…they walked in the house and immediately started playing and asking for surprises from my mom (she’s trained them well)…

I found myself playing on the floor with Sean…laughing and rough-housing with both boys throughout the day…feeling genuinely happy…

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See? That’s the first picture taken of the three of us in a long time…and it’s my new favorite…

Driving to visit BBFF (who is recovering from surgery), I was a bundle of nerves…but as usual, the moment I saw him, I was relaxed and centered…I felt normal for the first time in a while…oh, maybe a month or so…we talked, I tried to fuss over him (he wouldn’t let me), and I left smiling and feeling at peace with the world…

I know the good feelings will fade as reality sets back in…I still drive Bubba (who I hate irrationally), I can’t get to MS for a few reasons, and it could be at least another month before I see BBFF again…but I’m going to savor this feeling of peace and balance for as long as I can…hopefully, I can be productive and make good use of how I’m feeling…before it slips away.

Exhausted

It’s still too quiet in my head…and I still don’t like it…but today it didn’t matter…

Today I ran my ass off at work…I was over here…and then over there…then helping that person…then running to this person…it was constant, nonstop insanity…Y’all, I work a freaking desk job for a reason…my feet hurt, my legs hurt, I think I might have a blister…

And I am not complaining…it was an entire day of the crap in my head being the least important thing on the planet…today, I got to do what I do best – work damn hard…

I wanted to go to sleep before I got off work this afternoon…I was dreading getting the boys because little boys take a lot of energy, and I didn’t have it…but the parenting gods smiled down on me tonight…they were good, freaking awesome, actually…who are these boys and can they stay?

I still don’t feel right…but right now, I’m too tired to care…I’m too tired to even analyze why I don’t care…as Aidan said tonight, “O. M. G!”

Empty and Hollow

I know, I know, where the hell have I been lately? The simple answer is that I’ve been hiding…

I haven’t had anything positive or reassuring to say, and I didn’t feel like clogging up the world with more…blah…

I’ve been a person I vaguely recognize and don’t like…and no amount of pep talks, positive thinking, or looking for a silver lining has changed it…I’m sluggish, I’m low-energy, I’m dull (and I don’t mean I’m boring)…I just don’t care…my house is a wreck…my diet is bordering on disgusting…my ass is spreading…and yes, I know, this is “normal,” this is something that other people go through, this is temporary…something feels different…

I tend to live in my head…being single, introverted, and sort of hermit-like (mostly because of circumstances beyond my control), means that I’m in my head more often than not…under normal circumstances my very vivid imagination tends to take over…I’m usually filled with hopes, plans, goals, wants, desires…right now? Nothing…it’s quiet…

I’m not sure when something shifted, but I know how…I know the stages…first I was normal (well, as normal as I get…), then came the overwhelming stress (about the typical stuff), but instead of moving out of it like I usually do, I got stuck…and it deepened…I cried which normally breaks the cycle…I woke up the next day and felt…nothing…numb is the best word I can think of…

I’ve been almost clinical while I’ve tried to figure out what’s wrong…until I just stop caring again…on my way home tonight, I finally figured out how to describe how I feel…empty…hollow…when it gets bad, add in hopeless…when I start thinking about the why, it’s the same damn list it always is, so why bother thinking anymore about it…

Sometimes I feel like my wings have been clipped (yeah, it sounds a little dramatic, I know)…I can’t come and go…and I don’t mean without the boys, this isn’t about needing some time for myself…BBFF had emergency surgery on Monday, and even though I had the time to go, I couldn’t get to him…and as bad as that felt, my mind went immediately to my mom…what if something happened to her? How in the hell would I get to her? Both my mom and BBFF live in the same basic area…it’s a fair comparison…in an emergency what in the hell do I do? I’m not even self-sufficient enough to travel 2 hours…

And the moment I admit that, I feel stupid for considering it a problem…there are so many more people in this world with real problems…why am I complaining, what right do I have? Which starts another ridiculous cycle of negativity…but I’d almost take the negative because it’s something…it’s a feeling, an emotion…

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by own stress…maybe it’s a self-preservation thing…maybe my brain can only take so much…

Big Brother told me I need a plan…I’m afraid to plan, to dream…I can’t imagine how I can achieve it…and then it hurts too much to worry about it…it’s just easier not to…

I miss me…my normal self…I can’t even fake being badass…it takes too much energy…

The worst part is the silence in my own head…normally, I have a million thoughts running through my mind…planning, working, figuring. I hate the silence…it’s crushing…it’s empty and hollow…it’s not the me I like.

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