Empty and Hollow

I know, I know, where the hell have I been lately? The simple answer is that I’ve been hiding…

I haven’t had anything positive or reassuring to say, and I didn’t feel like clogging up the world with more…blah…

I’ve been a person I vaguely recognize and don’t like…and no amount of pep talks, positive thinking, or looking for a silver lining has changed it…I’m sluggish, I’m low-energy, I’m dull (and I don’t mean I’m boring)…I just don’t care…my house is a wreck…my diet is bordering on disgusting…my ass is spreading…and yes, I know, this is “normal,” this is something that other people go through, this is temporary…something feels different…

I tend to live in my head…being single, introverted, and sort of hermit-like (mostly because of circumstances beyond my control), means that I’m in my head more often than not…under normal circumstances my very vivid imagination tends to take over…I’m usually filled with hopes, plans, goals, wants, desires…right now? Nothing…it’s quiet…

I’m not sure when something shifted, but I know how…I know the stages…first I was normal (well, as normal as I get…), then came the overwhelming stress (about the typical stuff), but instead of moving out of it like I usually do, I got stuck…and it deepened…I cried which normally breaks the cycle…I woke up the next day and felt…nothing…numb is the best word I can think of…

I’ve been almost clinical while I’ve tried to figure out what’s wrong…until I just stop caring again…on my way home tonight, I finally figured out how to describe how I feel…empty…hollow…when it gets bad, add in hopeless…when I start thinking about the why, it’s the same damn list it always is, so why bother thinking anymore about it…

Sometimes I feel like my wings have been clipped (yeah, it sounds a little dramatic, I know)…I can’t come and go…and I don’t mean without the boys, this isn’t about needing some time for myself…BBFF had emergency surgery on Monday, and even though I had the time to go, I couldn’t get to him…and as bad as that felt, my mind went immediately to my mom…what if something happened to her? How in the hell would I get to her? Both my mom and BBFF live in the same basic area…it’s a fair comparison…in an emergency what in the hell do I do? I’m not even self-sufficient enough to travel 2 hours…

And the moment I admit that, I feel stupid for considering it a problem…there are so many more people in this world with real problems…why am I complaining, what right do I have? Which starts another ridiculous cycle of negativity…but I’d almost take the negative because it’s something…it’s a feeling, an emotion…

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by own stress…maybe it’s a self-preservation thing…maybe my brain can only take so much…

Big Brother told me I need a plan…I’m afraid to plan, to dream…I can’t imagine how I can achieve it…and then it hurts too much to worry about it…it’s just easier not to…

I miss me…my normal self…I can’t even fake being badass…it takes too much energy…

The worst part is the silence in my own head…normally, I have a million thoughts running through my mind…planning, working, figuring. I hate the silence…it’s crushing…it’s empty and hollow…it’s not the me I like.

Advertisements

About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on January 18, 2012, in Random, Thinking, Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’ve so been there, and I’m sure you know that. Yes.. it’s normal. But you have to snap out of it. No matter how bad it seems….. someone always has it worse off than you do!

    You are amazing… you need to know that.

    Do something for yourself. I promise… if you start doing something on a normal basis that makes YOU feel good… everything else will just fall into place. Running did that for me. Find YOU…..!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: