Monthly Archives: January 2012

A Good Cry

I have a few friends who firmly believe in the validity of having a good cry…be shocked, those friends are female…right now I believe in the necessity of it, too…except…

Except, I can’t…I need to…I almost want to…I have a lot of pent-up emotions…stress, disappointment, residual tension from other people, you name it…I can feel the tears, but I can’t let go of them…

I don’t know if it’s because of some control factor…or if it’s because my dad taught me not to cry too much…”Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” As an adult, I see the irony of that statement…and as a kid, I hated it…but I do feel like I need a “reason” to cry…I guess emotional release just isn’t one of them…

Nothing much is going on…but it has been a long week of work and travel…and it was a good week…its the same stresses that are always there, but today, for whatever reason, my emotions have come right to the surface…I wish I could just let go of them…

The Ex watched the boys while I was out of town, and I’m guessing it was a long 5 days, because he was ready to go very shortly after we met up with one another…and something about that bothered me…not that he was leaving quickly or that he was leaving at all…but I don’t think I was ready to step back in the role of single parent…not that not being ready matters…you do what you have to do…but I didn’t feel good, I was tired, and I was overly emotional…thankfully the boys decided to behave themselves…

BBFF said something a few weeks ago that got my attention…he said that instead of being someone who wants to prove to the world that I can handle it all on my own, I am finally in the mindset of having a relationship with someone who can be a partner…he’s probably right (he usually is)…too bad I can’t just twitch my nose and make that happen…even though if twitching my nose made things happen, I’ve got a few things on my list that would take priority over a relationship…

I left the stresses and pressures of real life behind for a few days and had the luxury of concentrating solely on work…I came home to the exact same pressures and stresses…and I guess I wasn’t prepared…I wish that whole crying thing worked…

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Unplugged

I unintentionally unplugged this weekend…I just didn’t feel like it…I was so low energy all weekend…I spent the time in my head…it was the only way to block out Sean’s temper tantrums…

Two is terrible and six sucks…that’s my take on the attitudes of my children at this stage…

Anyway, I barely talked to anyone…I didn’t Facebook the escapades of my children…I didn’t blog…I didn’t tweet…almost nothing all weekend…

Even though it wasn’t his weekend with the boys (and he’s about to spend 5 days with them while I go out of town), I asked The Ex to come get the boys on Sunday…I couldn’t handle one more moment of crying, screaming, or whining…

The Ex made a promise to me (that surprised me) that he would help me in anyway he could…I decided to see if he meant it…I felt like I was going crazy…I needed relief, even though I didn’t think I deserved it…

And with my four precious hours of freedom, I cleaned, I straightened, I cooked dinner, and then I read…I lost myself in a book…not in people-watching on Facebook, not waiting for a random text…I just read a book…and it was awesome…I was calmer…I was less stressed…I will still a little lost in my head, but it didn’t seem so bad…

It was unintentional…it was necessary…I should unplug more often…and I should definitely read more often…

The Will To Change

Everyone probably needs to change something in their lives…I’d love to meet the person who doesn’t need to…I already know plenty who don’t think they need to change…

I can name several things that I’d like to change…my ability to procrastinate on the things I don’t want to deal with…my inability to save any amount of money, even if it’s just $1 a month (I promise that’s about all I can do some months)…my (new) inability to focus on my own health for more than about 5 minutes – it’s new because I spent 3 years losing weight with nothing more than focus, determination, and hard work…

I think I know what I need to get back on track…I need to rest and rejuvenate…I mean, actually rest…get a real break from work and kids…but I live in the real world…not everyone gets the luxury of taking time away from their lives to refocus, so I’m no different from anyone else…so what do I do?

I have to find the will to make the changes necessary to move forward in a more positive way…I need to remember that the quicker I get through the dreaded stuff, the quicker it’s over…and often no where near as bad as I fear it will be…I have to be willing to not run through drive thru and spend $5 when I don’t really have that money to spend and it’s unhealthy…but it feels like a sacrifice…

I recognize the falseness of that thinking…not having the “luxury” of spending a few dollars on crappy food sounds silly…but it’s a mindset I have fallen in to and I don’t know how to change it…I remember growing up broke and being told no, a lot…I remember getting easy credit in college, feeling like I had money, spending it, paying it all off, and then spending it again – ruined my credit for a few years…I remember being pregnant with Aidan and making about $8 an hour (with no income from The Ex)…

I’m not any different from a lot of people…money is tight for most of the world…what I can’t get over is how not spending money (that I don’t have) is a sacrifice…and then I need to find a way to figure out how to be ok with the “sacrifice” if it means that I save a few dollars or I have breathing room, financially or I eat less crap, which is killing my health…

The first step is the will to change…the next step is the first small step of change…either way, for whatever reason, I’m stuck at that first step…which makes me wonder where my focus, determination, and ability to work hard have gone…why can’t I just strong arm my way through this until I make the necessary changes?

Turning Points

I think everyone has numerous turning points in life…I think it’s rare to see a turning point as it’s occuring…

At some point, recently, I experienced a turning point in my life…things that would have stressed me out six months ago, are no big deal now…events that would make me mad or would hurt, are bearable…for the first time in my adult life, the new year really does feel like a fresh start in life, like anything is possible…

I’m not sure what my turning point was, but Big Brother said something today that I hadn’t considered until the moment he said it…we were talking about how much work I churned out in my office last year, during a huge transition period for the company…”Michaela, all the work you did is what got you through the year.” He’s right…I worked through the most stressful period of my life, and even though I burned myself out by the end of the year, I think it’s the only way I survived it all…

My work life and my personal life eased up at almost the exact same moment…and I think that has made the difference…I feel like a survivor of sorts…I fought battles in 2011…and I survived…everything else seems easy in comparison…

The Ex has hit a turning point…and while I don’t know the trigger, the boys and I are the beneficiaries…he is more present…he is more involved…he’s nicer…as someone who has seen karma in action, I think his recent actions have improved his karma…

I can see his life starting to change…I can see his relationship with the boys improving…I can see him changing and improving…make no mistake, I don’t want him back…but it is nice to see someone experience a turning point in life and make a positive change…

What Will 2012 Bring?

It’s rare that I procrastinate on writing my own blog…pretty silly, right, since I control when and what I write? I knew I was going to write about my goals for 2012…except…I’m not sure what they are…

To be sure, I want to be healthier and lose weight…and earning more money is always a good thing…I want to love and be loved, even if it’s not the kind that lasts forever…

But I’ve come to a realization over the past several months…real, long-lasting, unstressful change happens in increments, inch by inch, slowly…at a snail’s pace…so saying that I want a specific event to occur within 365 days seems false…

The change that happens quickly and causes the biggest shake-ups in life are, in my experience, largely unplanned and very stressful…so why would I make a goal of making a bajillion more dollars or losing 50 pounds (I only need to lose 30), when I can’t predict the type of change that would have to occur to reach those goals?

So my plan for 2012 is this…I will make sure I don’t let opportunities that allow me to achieve the big bad goals slip by…I will be on the alert for those moments in life, no matter how small, that can help propel me towards what I ultimately want…I will be diligent in doing the small things that will move me inch by inch towards the life I want…

Oh, and for those people need something more concrete, this is for you:

I will walk a half marathon in 2012.
I will blog in other arenas and with more purpose.

Happy New Year!

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