Monthly Archives: February 2012

The Power Of…This

Because I clearly don’t have enough to do, I started another blog the other day…before you ask why I didn’t just incorporate that one into this one, and what am I doing, and where am I finding all this time (that’s easy, I have no life), and and and??

I appreciate your concern..love you too…but this blog serves one purpose, and the new one serves another purpose – and it’s already working…

This blog has gotten me through a rough year, and everyday I become stronger and more independent and learn something new…and that was the point…and I enjoy using this space to figure out my life “one day at a time…”

My new one? Losing the Final Forty is getting me through the craziness of trying to lose weight (again)…and it’s already working…last night I wrote about some of my issues with food, and reminded myself that I was raised to consider good food an occasion, a special moment in time…right now, I put pure crap in my body and consider it a luxury…?? One blog post later, and it was easy not to swing through drive thru tonight…that’s the power of this, whatever this is…

I’m a talker…I do it for a living (in many forms) and when I’m around other people, I can drive them nuts because I never stop talking…it’s pretty quiet in my house at night (after the boys are in bed, of course)…I guess this is my way of talking to anyone who will listen…my dad used to accuse of me talking just to hear myself talk…he was probably right…and I’m ok with that…

My Shrinking World

I realized something today…and I don’t know whether I view it negatively or positively…my world has become very small…

I think my world was small long before I became aware of it…

My world is work, home, kids…work, home, kids…I see the positive – I’m focusing on the things that are important…I’m getting better at it all on a lot of levels…I’m not stressing about what I don’t have…

I see the negative, too – I’m not thinking big about anything…I’m not dreaming…I’m not hoping…sometimes, I think the “hope” has been beaten out of me…it’s scary to hope for something…it’s scary to leap…I’m good at solid and stable…I’ve played that role for a long time, and since I’m the only constant for the boys, it’s a role I’ll be playing for many more years…

Sometimes I wish I could jump and hope…screw up royally or be a screaming success, but either way, I hoped for something…that seems irresponsible as a single mom…I can’t afford to screw up the safe, stable, solid life I’ve built for the boys…even if it means my world is shrinking…

If I could dream big and expand my world? Let’s see…

  • I’d own my own business…doing what I love and am good at…I’d get paid to communicate for living…I’d get paid to write…
  • I’d run head first into love…I wouldn’t worry, I would over-think it…
  • I’d travel around the world…I don’t even know where – I can’t think that big yet…
  • I would speak my mind more often and follow my instinct…it all goes back to not over-thinking everything…

No complaints about the size of my world right now…as long as I don’t forget that I’m capable of expanding it…

 

The Potty Chronicles – Ditching the Diaper

A week into this whole potty training thing, and I’m pretty sure there’s no real progress to speak of…last week, the potty sat in the corner largely ignored…until this past weekend…

Sean (and I) finally remembered the damn thing on Sunday…he pulled it apart, threw the pieces-parts around the living room, and yes, put the potty seat on his head again…

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I finally remembered a couple of tricks from the last debacle lesson from Aidan’s potty training days…take off the diaper! And make sure the mop and carpet cleaner are close at hand…

Sean did not like having his diaper removed for no apparent reason…until he felt the air down there…then he pulled up the bottom of his shirt, held it around his stomach, and roamed the house…there’s nothing like watching the baby dance to Thomas songs, bare-assed…shake it, baby!

I couldn’t get him to sit on the potty, though…I even used a little brotherly rivalry…Aidan was such a good sport and sat on it, while I pointed out that Big Brother was sitting on the potty and couldn’t Sean sit on the potty? I am so glad there were no witnesses…

And then it happened…the fascination with the privates…each other’s that is…Aidan almost couldn’t help himself…so I had to make him help himself…it’s awkward enough to watch a two-year find it, realize it’s there, and fall in love…its even worse when the six year old realize he’s not the only one with the privates

The potty chronicles continue…and I keep wishing I had paid more attention when Aidan was going through all this…

The Amazing Benjamin Boys

I know, deep in my heart, that I’m doing a good job with my little hellions angels…but sometimes I’m pretty sure my neighbors think I’m killing them…or that they’re killing me…and how is it that I’m just now figuring out that parenting is a loud endeavour? Someone is always yelling…or berating…or whining…and it’s not just them…

And then there are those blissfully peaceful moments, after they are finally asleep…wow, who are these precious-looking children? I check on them every night before I go to bed…I gotta check to make sure everyone is covered and has their pillow and that no one is close to falling out of bed…I hate to admit that I never ever did that before we moved, and definitely never when I was still married…

I am in awe of them at these moments…because I know it won’t be like this forever…

They are as different as night and day…Aidan is all flailing limbs, nervous energy, anxiousness, and desperation to be the center of attention…he is my whirling dervish…Sean is the quiet one, the sweet baby that everyone immediately falls in love with…but don’t piss him off…Aidan taught me to be afraid of waking up a sleeping child…Sean wakes up easily, and immediately sits in my lap for a cuddle…there is something about little arms wrapped around my neck that takes my breath away…

Until I hear Aidan read or watch him draw or listen to him spin a wild tale…and I think, “Is that my child? Did I help make him into this? Wow.”

It’s a given that the loud, whining, frustrating moments far outnumber the quiet, sweet moments…maybe that’s just my house…but then they’re fighting to be the one closest to me for a snuggle…or they argue over whose Mommy I really am (and I remind them that I’m Mommy for both of them)…

I am often annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, and just downright over it…and then something happens, and I am reminded that they will grow up and I won’t get these moments back…and the amazing thing? It took a divorce and the withdrawal of The Ex from their lives (his choice, not ours) for me to appreciate being Mommy…to truly realize just how precious they can be, and just how lucky I am…there may be a part of me that really is maternal…

Is This Mom Thing Getting Easier?

Ok, something has happened, and while I’m not really complaining, it’s freaking me out a little…did the whole mom thing get easier in the past few days?

No miracles have occurred…Aidan still throws massive, yet random, temper tantrums…Sean is still two…my life hasn’t changed…thanks to tax money, I’m not worried about groceries or gas money for a few weeks, at least…that may be making a slight difference…but I know it’s temporary relief, so the stress is still there…

So, I’m thinking it’s got to be something else…and maybe I’m just finally getting the hang of this mom stuff…I’m showing patience I didn’t know I possessed…I’m laughing at their silliness and being silly with them…I got Sean to say Mississippi today and laughed because it was probably the cutest thing I’ve ever heard…

And they seem to listen to me…most of the time…I can almost lay down the law – that’s still a work in progress…Aidan is following his behavior chart and earning a little money, which he loves…I think he’s up to about $3 now – and that doesn’t include what he’s spent…

As good as everything is, I still need a break…and right now, that doesn’t happen…but in a few weeks, my saint of a mom is taking my demon children darling boys for a solid week…a week…brave, brave woman…and I love her for it!

I’ve always considered myself the least maternal person on the planet…but I’m getting nothing but practice in right now (the expression trial by fire comes to mind)…practice makes perfect, right? I can kiss the boo-boos, make the sandwiches, construct the toys (with the million pieces they come with), kill the bugs, play trains and cars, read the books, help with homework, give The Look (still working on that one), bring the tickle-monster out to play, stay up with a sick baby, and chase after a hyper one…and a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed myself capable of it…

Yeah, I think I’m getting better at the whole Mom thing…

Fear: Making People Stupid Since The Dawn of Time

Big Brother tells me all the time to watch out for fear because it will cause you to do stupid things…I hate it when he’s right…I think about the situations that make me fearful in nearly every aspect of my life…I think before I act, I analyze, I’m cautious…except for matters of the heart…

And I let fear get the best of me…and if This Man that I adore was not thinking clearer than me, I might have scared him off for good…

For someone who stays pretty dispassionate (on the surface, only on the surface), men can drive me to extremes I didn’t know existed…with The Ex, when I was angry, I screamed…and I mean, screamed – people who know me wouldn’t recognize me if they witnessed it…

This Man, inadvertently, brings out my overly emotional and fearful side…it’s not his fault, but he’s the catalyst…

We’ve mostly just talked for the past few months…old friends who reconnected…but at some point, my heart got more involved than it should…than either of us is ready for…and now I’m so fearful of losing him, that if he was a different man, I would have driven him away this weekend…but thankfully, he’s one of the few men on the planet who can handle me…and he admitted to me tonight that he mostly just sighed and thought, “Oh brother…”

Ok, first – thanks dude, really?!  But second, I am so thankful that he gets me…had we been face-to-face, he probably could have snapped me out of it with a look or word…

I’m a typical Scorpio…and, while I’d like to pretend I’m not, I’m extremely insecure when it comes to love and relationships…so, match meet tinder…a small explosion was bound to occur…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last…

I’ve pretty much conquered fear on a lot of levels – both personal and professional…this is unchartered territory, and I have a lot of previous baggage to deal with…if This Man can survive some of that (while I survive some of his baggage) we may do just fine…but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time I show my ass and then have to eat a little crow and beg forgiveness for my own stupidity…

The Best Day Ever…Sort Of…

I love President’s Day…not because I’m all that patriotic…but because it’s a holiday for me but not the boys! I’m off work and they’re in school and daycare

Yeah, I had to get up early and get them dropped off…but I came home and took a nap…a looooong nap…longer than I intended…and then I rolled out of bed and started my day…

I took myself out to lunch…I wandered through Target (I love Target)…I went to Ross’s – the best discount clothing store around…I can’t shop anywhere else anymore because I feel like I’m paying way too much…and the best moment of all was sitting on a park bench, leisurely eating my frozen yogurt, feeling the breeze in my hair, and people-watching…a moment that was all about slowing down and enjoying the moment…

I’ve driven through town with the windows down and the radio up (I think I was a dog in a former life, with my head hanging out the window – I just love the feel of the wind in my hair)…I’ve wandered stores, feeling sorry for the parents of cranky children and feeling thankful it wasn’t me…I’ve spent time with just me, myself, and I – and loved nearly every minute of it…almost…

Today was also a day when I had to face some hard truths…I’ve fallen hard for someone…and I’ve fallen into old habits…when I care about someone, I give everything I am…I give 150%…I give more than I ever receive…and even though it hurts, I decided today was the last time I would allow that to happen…I had to accept that either he feels the same way or he doesn’t, but I can’t make it happen…it has to be mutual…so I don’t know whats going to happen now…maybe everything will be fine, maybe it won’t…but I won’t let myself go down old roads, especially when I know exactly where they lead…

It really was a great day…and I hope there are more just like it somewhere in my future…

The Potty Chronicles – The First Day

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Here it is…the bane of my existence…possibly of Sean’s existence…but it’s also Facebook and blogging gold…I won’t deny that this will be fodder for hilarious posts and status updates for the next several months…

We almost didn’t get this today…I learned my lesson with Aidan…we started him too early and it took for-freaking-ever! He decided he didn’t want to and by God, he didn’t…so with Sean, I’ve been waiting…I think when he started coming into the bathroom with me, identifying what I was doing in there, and then asked to see (yes, this happened), then it was time…

I let Sean decide…he liked the idea of the Cars potty seat…but the first time we looked at it, he wouldn’t commit…it wasn’t until I walked away and started grocery shopping (we were in Wal-Mart, y’all) that he decided he couldn’t live without it…

I took it out of the box when we got home, while Sean was napping…Aidan was very excited about it…I’m a little afraid he’s going to try and use it…

Sean was not impressed when he saw it after his nap…Aidan took him on the full tour, though…”This is where you sit Sean-Sean…and this is where the pee and poop go…and here’s the handle to flush…but it doesn’t really flush…” He’s so helpful…

We did get him to sit on it for a while…he only looked mildly concerned…and only when Aidan got in his face and yelled, “Go potty, SEAN!!!!” And that point, we were done…

If this is any indication, I think he’ll be just fine…

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Escaping…For A Moment

I don’t know what happened to me today, but this was my grumpy day…my day to be overly sensitive for no real reason…my day to feel completely misunderstood, forgotten, and unappreciated…

Not sure what happened there, but I wasn’t good company…

It wasn’t until this afternoon, on my way to pick up the boys, that the whole day hit me full-force…I felt like I was carrying 50 extra pounds on my shoulders…I could literally feel the pressure building…I let the tears hit me (I had to relieve the pressure somehow)…but I decided not to think too much about what was causing it…

But I know…I don’t shrug things off easily…and the tension of constant parenting with little to no break is creeping in…there are no other options right now, and I can’t let myself dwell on something I have no control over…I have to be able to function…I almost slipped into a pity party, but that seemed pretty pointless…

Sometimes it’s easier to pretend everything is fine than deal with the emotions…so tonight, I’ve got the earbuds in, listening to music I like, just chillin’, trying to transport myself mentally to anywhere but here…there’s something to be said for escaping, even for a few minutes…

This Side of Valentine’s Day

So I’m a little late on the whole Valentine’s Day thing…I was busy…I was working…and as usual, that’s what kept me sane…

I learn things about myself all the time…and so far I’ve learned that holidays are important to me, even and especially Valentine’s Day…

For years, I didn’t care about Valentine’s Day, Christmas, even my birthday…I allowed it to just be another day in the year…even if I did something special for The Ex…well, them days are over, buddy…

When I grow up, I want romance, I want my special days to be important to my partner (that invisible imaginary man)…hell, I want flowers, gifts, whatever…take some time, spend a few dollars, let me know I’m important…

As I sit here, eating the boys’ Valentine’s candy, I’m glad I’m on this side of the holiday…if I hadn’t been working and travelling, I would have sat in my house, on my couch, reading love stories, drinking wine, and feeling sorry for myself…and I am sooooo glad that didn’t happen…

I’m ready to celebrate a much more important holiday now – President’s Day…not because I’m just that patriotic, hell no! I have the day off of work and Aidan has school…now that is a freaking holiday!

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