Relaxing

I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying this, but I think I may be relaxing a little…

No, life didn’t miraculously get better, easier, whatever…nothing has changed – externally…but something is different, and I think it may be me…

Am I maturing? Am I simply tired of stressing and worrying? Hell if I know…but I’ve realized why I have such a problem with the silence in my head. I have spent my entire adult life worrying and thinking and stressing…nearly every waking moment of my life…every moment to myself has been thinking about how to fix something, how to get ahead, probably a billion what-ifs, and the big “What am I going to do?” I don’t think my mind has been quiet more for more than a few minutes since I was 19…

So the silence is off-putting…it freaks me out…but what I’ve noticed, just today, is that I am a bit more relaxed…

I took the afternoon off from work, which was awesome…not because I had any big plans…it was a simple, quiet afternoon…a workout (y’all, I ranoutside), a couple of errands, a nap, and a few minutes to read…it was bliss…

A couple of confessions, revelations of just how relaxed I am…I had to spend my very last penny to put gas in Bubba (thank God I get paid in a few days)…and The Ex probably won’t see the boys until Valentine’s Day, when I have to travel for work (yes, a business trip on Valentine’s Day)…

A few weeks ago those two things would have sent me over the edge…I would have worried about having no money – nevermind I have plenty of food and a little cash in my pocket for very specific purchases…I would anticipate feeling overwhelmed by being with the boys all the time – I’m actually just sad for the boys because they’re missing The Ex…

I really don’t think too much about the change…not in an obsessive way…but it’s puzzling to me…it doesn’t make sense…and I wonder if its real…or long-lasting…is this a new me?

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on February 3, 2012, in Thinking and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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