This Is My Life – And That’s OK

This whole no-thoughts-in-my-head thing is leading to some interesting revelations…now that everything is quiet in my head, I guess errant thoughts are able to get through…strange…

Tonight, after the boys went to bed, the plan was to workout, blog, watch a little TV, and possibly read…same plan I have almost every night…I’m content with that…if someone calls or texts or if something else grabs my attention away from my plan, I’m good with that, too…

A few months ago I would have been railing against a night like tonight, convinced that I should be doing something more, that somehow my life was incomplete because I wasn’t out doing something…that I was somehow letting life and opportunities slip by…

When I first started thinking about what life would be like as a single woman, I knew it would be harder…I knew I would be with the boys more often than not…even then I didn’t think that would be much different than it had been when The Ex was around…but I also had a vision of what I thought my non-kid weekends would be like…first, I thought I would have some weekends to myself, so there was my first mistake…but apparently I thought I was going to be a completely different person…

I envisioned going out with friends, clubbing, dancing, drinking, you name it…all the things I thought I had missed during my 20s…weekends with the girls, dates with men…two problems with that…one, life never turns out quite the way I think it should…and two, that’s not really me…

I like to go out, I like to have fun…but only with people I’m extremely comfortable with or someone I trust…that still isn’t bad, except the majority of the people in my life that I want to be around aren’t like that or they aren’t close by…so the reality is that I can’t have what I thought I wanted…at least not yet…

And dating? Are you freaking kidding me? Before I state the obvious about 24/7 kids and no money for childcare, the biggest issue is that I can’t imagine casually dating…I don’t trust people as a rule, and I’m a natural introvert…if someone doesn’t make me laugh a genuine laugh (read: not just a polite chuckle) in the first 10 minutes, I’m not interested…connections are important…and real connections are very rare…with my personal life being what it is, I’m just not interested in casual BS…

Last year, even a few weeks ago, that was part of what was “wrong” with my life…I knew what I wanted, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen…so I stressed out even more because it was yet another thing I wanted that I couldn’t have…but what I forgot is that my life has never run on the schedule I thought it should; I’m too impatient…everything always works out the way it should, when I look back on it…trying to push things to happen faster than they should has only ever lead to more stress and agony for me…

I’m not confident this new mindset is permanent, but right now, instead of worrying, stressing, and constantly thinking about what I want and don’t have, my plan is to accept life as it is right now, and take opportunities as they come…

I can’t keep spending every waking moment worried about what I want and don’t have or can’t do…it’s no way to live life…so until a different opportunity presents itself, I’ll keep working out, blogging, reading, and staying quiet – and do my best not to let anything pass by me…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on February 4, 2012, in Independent Michaela and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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