My Insecurities Keep Gettin’ In The Way

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been told how intelligent I am…so much so that as a kid, especially those lovely teen years, I was downright arrogant about it…I prized my “intelligence” over everything else, and if not for the specter of college applications, would never have tried to be more well-rounded – at least academically…and I was thinking about college in middle school…

But, I had my things I was stupid about…This Man would probably say “naive” but I’m going with stupid…relationships, love, men, boys…I might have been arrogant about my brains, but I was so insecure about myself as a girl (and later as a woman) that I had some pretty disastrous relationships…I guess the best example of that would be The Ex…

At 19, I thought The Ex was it…he loved me, he said all the right things, and nothing else mattered…it didn’t matter that our relationship was screwed up from day one…it didn’t matter that I left the last little bit of my young adulthood behind at 19 to help pay electric bills and water bills and work 2 jobs at a time…

Twelve years and two kids later, I wised up…never said I was a fast learner…time is meaningless if lessons aren’t learned and stupidity dealt with…I’ve learned from my relationship with The Ex…I’ve learned what I won’t tolerate…I’ve learned what’s important to me…I’ve learned that I still possess the same insecurities I had at 19, except now they’re more intense…

Back in the day, my insecurities were focused on my looks…in my mind, I was fat, ugly, and physically unappealing…I figured that it was my smartass self that caught the most attention…At 32, I don’t consider myself fat or ugly…I’m no model, and I don’t consider myself beautiful (don’t tell my mom, she’ll kick my ass)…and like most women, I am extremely aware of every flaw…

But now it’s worse…my insecurities are amplified because I doubt my own intelligence…how could I have been so dumb? (For the record, I don’t regret my marriage – I got the best part of him in Aidan and Sean.) How could I have worked so hard against my own self-interests?

And I’m only thinking about it now because I’m in freak-out mode with This Man who apparently possesses an endless well of patience…

I want to be my brash, bold, sassy, smartass self…and sometimes I am…until the conversation turns to matters of the heart…and then I’m a snivelling, worried basketcase…

It was easier with Music Man…I liked him well enough, but I knew it was temporary…my heart was never actually involved…it was never even a consideration of mine that he would meet my children…and ironically, he got the best of me…the easy-going, fun, classic smartass Michaela…

Where the hell is that chick now? Hiding…fearful…I was so wrong the first time…and everyone who cared about me knew it…what if I’m wrong this time? Even though I know I’m not…but what if? And while I’m scared, my biggest fear is that my insecurities just make me seem pathetic and who wants to be around that?!

It’s so bad that I take every chance I can to get him in front of my friends (even I know it’s waaaaay too soon for family), just so I can get their opinion…almost like I need validation that I’m no longer the biggest idiot ever…which isn’t fair to him…

It’s a never-ending cycle, and I don’t know how to fix it…the only thing I can come up with is, “Fake it ’til you make it.”

Like a lot of things I’ve changed about myself in the past year, I literally have to make the conscious decision to be different, to change…in every action, every word, I have to stop and think first…eventually, I’ll develop new habits…it’s the only way I know to keep from ruining a potentially great thing…and I deserve something wonderful…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on March 9, 2012, in Love, Thinking and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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