My Heart Is In Mississippi

I have felt off since Monday…

At first I thought it was from leaving This Man – which I really hate…I hate it when he leaves me more, though…there’s a certain amount of perceived control when you’re the one driving away (at least in my mind)…

Then for half a second I thought I really was missing the boys…except the peace and quiet have been freaking awesome…I haven’t changed my routine too much because I don’t want to get used to something I can’t maintain…but to come and go as I please is a luxury I’d forgotten about…

And this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks…my whole heart is in Mississippi…

My mom is in Mississippi…

My BFF is in Mississippi…

This Man is in Mississippi…

And now my boys are in Mississippi…

Don’t get me wrong…I have good friends here with me – Mom #2 and Big Brother come to mind immediately…except we all have our own separate lives…we aren’t interwoven into the fabric of each other’s lives the way I am with Mama, BFF, and This Man…they are my family…technically, I could show up at 2am and they’d still love me (if they woke up enough to let me inside)…I could call anyone of them in the middle of the night for help (but only if I had no other option – I don’t call myself independent for nothin’)…

I didn’t notice it before because the boys are always with me, so I always have family around me…family that is totally dependent on me, runs me ragged, makes me crazy, and need to be raised, but at least it’s family…without them here, I have no one with me…and I don’t like it…I’ve never felt so isolated before  – this is soul-crushing.  I now know that if I didn’t have the boys, I’d do nothing but work…it’s all I have…

The Step and my mom told me I should move back to Mississippi months ago…and I fought them…because I needed to prove to myself, the world, The Ex, and anyone else that I could do it on my own…that I didn’t need constant support and help.  And I’ve done it…experiment attempted and theory proven: Michaela can function and raise two children with limited support and help.

And what I learned is that yeah, I can do it – but it sucks.  And I don’t want to be alone anymore…and I don’t want to do it all anymore…and today, I learned that my whole heart is in Mississippi…and without it, the pain is unbearable…

 

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on March 21, 2012, in Independent Michaela, Love, Thinking and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I feel the alone part! Try having it around thirtyseven years and BAM! Almost all at once everyone is in different places! I feel ya girl…hang in there.

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