A Letter To My Ex

I had dinner with The Ex tonight…and it was weird…there are so many things I wish I could say to him…but he either wouldn’t get it, or it would start an argument, or it would be unnecessarily harsh…sitting with him tonight, I ached to tell him what was on my mind…to lay it all out…but it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference…so this is my open letter to The Ex…

To The Ex:

I’ve been thinking a lot about lately about our relationship, past and present…the years we were together were – well, they were something…but it was the last year – from our separation to now – that has changed everything for me…

You wonder why I act standoffish with you…you claim I look down on you…you call me a snob…you have no freaking idea…

I have watched you over the past year revert to the worst of who you are…you were emotional…you were impulsive…you never thought before you acted…and it was me who had to pick up the pieces…it was me that had to pretend nothing was wrong so the boys didn’t get anxious or scared…

It was me who took care of the boys…it was me who made sure they had what they need…you never even asked…you’ve become selfish…self-involved…you can’t do anything for the boys because you’re just “trying to survive.”  Guess what, buddy – we’re parents.  It’s our freaking JOB to go without so our children are taken care of…it’s our job to sacrifice for them…and I’m not even talking the luxuries…I’m talking basic necessities…food, shelter, heat, clothing…the BASICS…where have you been?

You don’t call…you don’t act like you want to see them…you talk good game…you talk about missing them…but talk is cheap…what are you doing about any of it?  Why aren’t you on my doorstep every other weekend to see the boys, even if it’s just for a couple of hours?  You are so inconsistent that there are days Aidan says he’d rather not see you…I think I know why…I think he hates missing you, and it’s easier not to even get his hopes up (God, he’s my child, isn’t he?)…

When we talk, you want to talk about this woman or that woman…you bring up This Man’s name like you know something…This Man thinks I should tell you shit just to fuck with your head, just to throw you off, just to get you to shut up…what he doesn’t understand is that there’s a price to pay for that…and the price I pay for telling you even a little something is a form of torture…I’d rather not deal with any of that…

How many nights have you called or text messaged me in the middle of the night, making completely untrue statements about me and about what you think I’m doing…picking a fight, telling me how much you love me…emoting all over me…all because you think you know something about me…you know nothing

Yeah, you knew my habits, my quirks, my likes and dislikes…12 years is a long time together…but did you ever know me?  The thing about me you still hate more than anything is my sarcasm…my sarcastic nature is as a part of me as my brown eyes, dude…it’s who I am, but you hated it…you didn’t know me then, and you sure as hell don’t know me now…

You don’t understand why I’m always angry with you, either…I can’t talk to you – because it will turn into 20 text messages at midnight (which I will ignore – you have figured that out, right?)…you don’t ask about your own children, which pisses me off and makes me ache for them…I believe you love them…but I don’t get you…and unfortunately, most days, I don’t like you…

You have a long way to go with me…and I think you know that…be a father…be consistent…stop freaking out based on assumptions you’re making…STOP telling me about your women problems (I. Do. Not. CARE!)…and stop thinking you know anything about me and This Man…and yeah, I pointed out that I think he’s an excellent father and that I have no problem with him being around the boys for a REASON…when you figure out that reason, you’ll finally be moving in the right direction…

Sincerely,
Your tired, worn out, and exasperated Ex

This is what I wish I could have told The Ex a year ago…:

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on March 23, 2012, in Independent Michaela, Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Wow Michaela well said. I can not imagine what you have gone through, but I can tell u that u are a great mother. You think sometimes that you don’t have a motherly instinct but you do. You make the neccessary sacrifices to make your boys lives easier. I admire you so much for the person you are. I know your Mom is proud of you and is proud of the boys. Keep living your life you are evolving into a person that I think you didn’t really believe was there the whole time. You know if you ever need anything I am only a phone call away.

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