Subtle Shifts

It could be a lack of sugar…it could be a hormonal shift…or it could be what it seems…but I feel myself changing, shifting…

Big Brother has told me several times that I’ve changed over the past year or more…This Man said he sees a difference from just a few months ago…my mom was noncommittal when I asked her…

Change is like growth for little kids or weight loss for the not-so-little…you and the people who spend a lot of time with you don’t see it as easily as the people who are around less frequently…it usually requires a mental comparison of then (then being 6 months, a year, whatever) and now to see it for yourself…

I know without a doubt that I’ve changed…could I tell you how? Probably not…not in specific terms…but I know that the woman who declared her independence on February 13, 2011 is completely different from who I am today…

But right now, in this moment, I feel myself shifting, changing…it’s amorphous, shapeless, weightless, but it’s there….I can feel it…it’s in the way my shoulders straighten a little more and my head cocks to the side when I hear Katy Perry or Kelly Clarkson on the radio…it’s in the way a simple drive across town makes me feel free…it’s in the way I let Aidan go on his first sleepover without overthinking the hell out of…it’s in the way that I can look at The Ex without feeling anything – no anger, no aggravation – just because he’s there…all bets are off when he does something stupid that affects the boys…

The shift is sort of like water rising…slow, almost imperceptible…but over time, it becomes very clear that the water has risen…the same is true now…the changes, the shifts have been subtle…but when all of the changes come together, its a clear difference…

I don’t if what I’m feeling is the start of something new or the culmination of something ongoing…but I feel more confident…I feel more authoritative…I feel like I have more perceived control over my own world…I feel like a woman instead of a scared girl…

I have clear memories of wondering who put me in charge several months ago…now, I know that no one put me in charge…I took charge…and I don’t need permission to be who I am…

You will like me…or not.

You will love me…or not.

I will still be who I am (and continue to figure out who I am) with no outside approval needed…I will find joy in my life because it’s there, no matter how stressful life is…I will feel free because I am…I will crack a joke, make a face, and laugh obnoxiously in the face of craziness…of course, I will also assess the situation and come up with a plan and two back-up plans in the face of craziness because some things never change…

Ok, so maybe the shift isn’t as subtle as I thought…

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About Michaela Mitchell

A few things come to mind easily when I think of myself - a mom, a friend, a daughter, a hard-worker. But there's so much more to me - and I just have to discover what it is.

Posted on March 30, 2012, in Independent Michaela, Thinking and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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