Monthly Archives: March 2012

Boys, Boys, Boys

My boys are doing their best to make sure that I don’t miss them this weekend…it’s only Tuesday, and I’ve lost count of all the temper tantrums…there’s been early bedtimes, no bedtime stories, smacks to the butt…

Is it Saturday around 1pm yet?

It’s no worse than any other time…but I can see light at the end of the tunnel, so my patience is wearing thin…

In other news, Sean is graduating to Pull-Ups because his daycare said so…he spends more time with them than he does with me, and I have no problem letting them take the lead on this one…my job was to buy the Pull-Ups and the Skittles…everytime he sits on the potty, he gets a Skittle…hell, for that, I’ll sit on the damn potty!

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The Ex keeps wanting to talk to me about his new girlfriend…in what universe is that supposed to be ok?!

The worse part is that if I tried that, he would freak out on me…/sigh…

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This Man and I will finally get to spend some time together this weekend…not much time, not enough time…but something is better than nothing…

I’m trying to go against my nature and not start dreading when I have to leave…yes, I do that…I admit it…I can’t be happy with what I have because I want more, or I’m unhappy that it will end or that it’s not enough…just another thing I need to change…I’m workin’ on it!

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Sometimes It’s More Important To Be A Good Mom

I heard my boys laugh with pure joy today…deep belly laughs that only small children can manage..they were the happiest they’ve been in a while…and all because their dad came to see them…

It’s been nearly a month since he’s seen them – and no, he doesn’t live far away…he works two doors down from my office (weird but true)…Most of the time I’m annoyed with him…it’s just the nature of where we are with one another…

And I wanted to be annoyed today…except the sound of my babies believing that all is good in their world prevented any negative feelings…well, almost…

I hate Mom guilt…it sucks…but it happens…

I had competing thoughts hearing their pure joy…happiness, of course…guilt too, though…I’m the reason they don’t have both parents at home…and I always wonder if I could do more to help them see their dad more often…

I invited The Ex to stay for dinner…for the boys…because sometimes, it’s more important to be a good mom than to be right…

I hope that they will have more moments like today…I hope that one day The Ex isn’t the only one in their life that inspires big belly laughs like that, but I’m glad someone brings it out in them…

My Insecurities Keep Gettin’ In The Way

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been told how intelligent I am…so much so that as a kid, especially those lovely teen years, I was downright arrogant about it…I prized my “intelligence” over everything else, and if not for the specter of college applications, would never have tried to be more well-rounded – at least academically…and I was thinking about college in middle school…

But, I had my things I was stupid about…This Man would probably say “naive” but I’m going with stupid…relationships, love, men, boys…I might have been arrogant about my brains, but I was so insecure about myself as a girl (and later as a woman) that I had some pretty disastrous relationships…I guess the best example of that would be The Ex…

At 19, I thought The Ex was it…he loved me, he said all the right things, and nothing else mattered…it didn’t matter that our relationship was screwed up from day one…it didn’t matter that I left the last little bit of my young adulthood behind at 19 to help pay electric bills and water bills and work 2 jobs at a time…

Twelve years and two kids later, I wised up…never said I was a fast learner…time is meaningless if lessons aren’t learned and stupidity dealt with…I’ve learned from my relationship with The Ex…I’ve learned what I won’t tolerate…I’ve learned what’s important to me…I’ve learned that I still possess the same insecurities I had at 19, except now they’re more intense…

Back in the day, my insecurities were focused on my looks…in my mind, I was fat, ugly, and physically unappealing…I figured that it was my smartass self that caught the most attention…At 32, I don’t consider myself fat or ugly…I’m no model, and I don’t consider myself beautiful (don’t tell my mom, she’ll kick my ass)…and like most women, I am extremely aware of every flaw…

But now it’s worse…my insecurities are amplified because I doubt my own intelligence…how could I have been so dumb? (For the record, I don’t regret my marriage – I got the best part of him in Aidan and Sean.) How could I have worked so hard against my own self-interests?

And I’m only thinking about it now because I’m in freak-out mode with This Man who apparently possesses an endless well of patience…

I want to be my brash, bold, sassy, smartass self…and sometimes I am…until the conversation turns to matters of the heart…and then I’m a snivelling, worried basketcase…

It was easier with Music Man…I liked him well enough, but I knew it was temporary…my heart was never actually involved…it was never even a consideration of mine that he would meet my children…and ironically, he got the best of me…the easy-going, fun, classic smartass Michaela…

Where the hell is that chick now? Hiding…fearful…I was so wrong the first time…and everyone who cared about me knew it…what if I’m wrong this time? Even though I know I’m not…but what if? And while I’m scared, my biggest fear is that my insecurities just make me seem pathetic and who wants to be around that?!

It’s so bad that I take every chance I can to get him in front of my friends (even I know it’s waaaaay too soon for family), just so I can get their opinion…almost like I need validation that I’m no longer the biggest idiot ever…which isn’t fair to him…

It’s a never-ending cycle, and I don’t know how to fix it…the only thing I can come up with is, “Fake it ’til you make it.”

Like a lot of things I’ve changed about myself in the past year, I literally have to make the conscious decision to be different, to change…in every action, every word, I have to stop and think first…eventually, I’ll develop new habits…it’s the only way I know to keep from ruining a potentially great thing…and I deserve something wonderful…

Terms of Endearment

I’m a “baby” person, and God, no, I don’t mean children…that sounds pretty bad, huh? Um, I adore my children…well, usually..anyway…

For the entire 12 years I was with The Ex, the only time I ever called him by his given name was when I was angry with him…otherwise, he was “baby” or “babe” to me…and I was “baby” to him…we were baby people…a couple of times in the past year, I have come thisclose to slipping up when talking to him…

And here I am, dipping my toe into the big, scary world of relationships, and I have an issue (big shocker, I know)…I associate that word with The Ex…but its my preferred term of endearment…mentally, I keep trying others out and they just don’t feel right…

But I’m not a nickname person…This Man’s most common endearment for me is a nickname from high school – Kayla (my mom will love that)…and only he gets to call me that…well him and my YY, but that’s it (so don’t get any ideas out there)…

I call everyone (but YY) by their given name or at least how they introduce themselves to me…The Ex had about three variations of his name, and I was the first to call him by his given name (when I was mad because remember he was “baby” the rest of the time)…

So what the hell am I rambling about? I’m an endearment person…and I don’t know what to do…my preferred “baby” is still linked in my mind to The Ex…and the irrational part of me thinks I might jinx myself if I start using it…the weird part of me thinks it’s me going back to the past, and I need to avoid that like the plague…the sane part of me thinks I need to get over it because I’m a “baby” person and whoever I love is just going to be my baby…

More Adventures of the Benjamin Boys

Mom #2 bribed Aidan to pull his own wiggly tooth tonight…for a dollar…in the middle of Chick Fil A…and he did it…

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It took a little convincing, since he was afraid it would hurt…and neither of us could watch because wiggly teeth give us both the creeps…and I sort of promised him ice cream if he succeeded…but what finally convinced him was the promise of even more money from the Tooth Fairy…I hope he’s ok with all the nickels and dimes under his pillow…kidding! I had a few quarters at the bottom of my purse…

Yep, Mother of the Year, right over here, people!

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Sean: “I not pooped, Mommy!”

Um, thanks?

Sean makes this announcement before almost every diaper change…and I finally figured out why…Ms. T (his daycare teacher) asks him before every diaper change if he pooped…so, he’s made it a habit to preemptively tell me that he has not pooped…thanks, dude…

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Aidan had a lightbulb moment yesterday…he finally figured out that if he does all his homework Monday night, he doesn’t have to do any homework for the rest of the week…I’m gonna call that a win-win situation for all involved!

I can’t remember the last time I witnessed a lightbulb moment…and I think it might have been Aidan’s first…

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Tomorrow is Picture Day for Sean…I really hope the photographer earns some sort of bonus for herding feral cats through hell convincing 2 year olds to both look into the camera and smile…

A Digital Girl Living In A Digital World

For someone who proclaims herself a talker (the fact that I have two blogs and an idea for a third (sad but true) probably automatically makes me a talker), I really don’t like actually talking…on the phone at least – don’t tell my mom though…for all the times I’ve rambled for more than 30 minutes without taking a breath, she might not believe it…

If I could interact with the world completely through text and email, I would.  I’m just better at the written word.  When I speak, it never comes out like I hear it in my head – unless I’ve mentally prepared for whatever we’re talking about (“mentally prepared for” is code for “obsessed over”)…I’m not a naturally eloquent speaker…but I’m an excellent typer! I suck at small talk…I’ve gotten better over the years because I had to learn at least a little, but it’s not a natural thing for me…

It’s gotten so bad that I actually communicate better with This Man through email than I do over the phone.  If we were in the same physical space, it probably wouldn’t matter…part of my distaste for talking on the phone is that I can’t read body language and facial expressions – so that I know when to shut up or change the subject or whether my attempt at a joke actually worked…This Man is one of my rare exceptions to the phone thing…I’ll knock down a little old lady with a walker to get to the phone if I know he’s calling me…

Anyway back to living in the digital world…texting and email was invented for people like me – I don’t really want to physically speak but I want a quicker response than an actual hand-written letter. And while I know a letter received through the mail is really special to a lot of people, I mostly just view another piece of paper as clutter (I hate physical clutter, but have more digital clutter than is probably healthy)…please don’t make me have to hold on to another piece of paper.  But an email?  I have emails that I absolutely view as love letters and that I intend on keeping for as long as there’s a cloud.

I have every email This Man has sent me since September 2011 from mundane to magical.  And while I know he doesn’t always have time to email me (especially as often as I’d prefer being the prolific emailer that I am), every one that comes through sends shivers down my spine…I think I understand the feeling lovers used to get when they received a letter in the mail.  Maybe the rarity of his emails is what makes them so special.

Most people would roll their eyes at the idea of an email being special…or that an email could really be a love letter…we all send off so many emails that take less than a minute to compose everyday that emails aren’t special…so maybe, for me, it’s the intent…for This Man to take the time out of his day to stop, think about how he feels, type it out, and send it, is meaningful…and no, I’m not settling for less than I deserve…my emails from him are the same to me as love letters tied with a ribbon…I pull them out (virtually, of course) and re-read them – for different reasons…when I need reassurance that I’m not dreaming this, when I remember some point he made, but want to read the whole thing, when I miss him and need to feel close…

And there are digital love notes, too…not just sweet text messages, which of course are definitely love notes…but This Man sends me links to songs on YouTube…one day, I’d love to create a playlist of the music we’ve sent back and forth…just because each has a small meaning…most as simple as “I like this one and hope you do too” and some are more than that…

I’m pretty sure my grandmother could never imagine that we would one day go from keeping letters in a box under the bed to holding on to a text message with a YouTube link in it…but (for me at least) they are one and the same…

My Idea of Bliss?

My idea of bliss changes from moment to moment…at this very moment, sitting on my couch, drinking chai tea, eating a York peppermint pattie, and recovering from my little adventure earlier is exactly what I need…

Nothing much has been going on lately…getting serious about losing weight, fighting with The Ex, and living life…today was….interesting…

It rained all day…the rain woke me up this morning and lulled me to sleep this afternoon…and it kept us inside, because the last thing I wanted to do was cart small children in and out of the rain from store to store…but by this evening, we were all done being in the house…

We went to dinner and were on our way to roam the bookstore when I got a flat tire…yep, a flat tire, at night, in the rain, with two small children…yay…

Clearly we survived the ordeal…Mom #2 came and sat with us while we waited for the guy to come and change my tire…yeah, yeah, yeah, I should know how to do it…I’ll put that on my list…thank God she came…the boys did ok, but they were hyper…and as always, I was tired…

So bliss right now means sitting still, relaxing, doing what I want to do…oh yeah, and I’m finally dry and warm again, that helps…

In exactly two weeks, bliss changes, because 14 days from now, the boys will be with my mom and The Step for an entire week…7 whole days!! The best part, Saturday night I’ll be with BBF drinking margaritas, and Sunday, I’ll be with This Man…oh yeah, and I’m taking a couple days off of work that week so I can enjoy my house with no children…ahhh, bliss

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