Fairy Godmothers & Knights in Shining Armor

Sometimes I think I suck as a mom…

I have felt weighed down for a couple of days…I don’t have a good explanation for why…I just have…feeling this way affects how I am with the boys – and I hate it…

I don’t want Aidan on my lap – hell, isn’t he too big for that shit now?

I don’t care about potty-training Sean – except diapers are expensive and that’s my only motivation…

I yell at them for small things…I leave the TV on too long…hell, I stayed in bed an hour longer than normal and left both boys to their own devices this morning…a 2 year old and a 6 year old – and I am very aware of how lucky I was that nothing bad happened…

I know you don’t have to have a lot of money to do fun things and keep kids busy…I don’t even want to take them to the park…

What kind of mom am I?

Most people give platitudes – you’re just tired (no shit)…it’s just a bad day (too many bad days)…it gets better (yeah, when?)…they tell me not to be so hard on myself (except I am solely responsible for raising these boys, and I can’t fuck it up)…they all mean well…but it doesn’t change how I feel…

A few weeks ago I was damn lucky and got a genuine break…shouldn’t I just be grateful for that?

I’m not the only single parent in the world…I’m not the only one who does it on my own…how do other people do it?

I cried in the shower today…I had managed to get poop, pee, drool, chocolate milk, peanut butter, and all other manners of crap all over myself, and I hadn’t cared enough to shower until Sean’s nap – I could have, I just didn’t care…

I stupidly wished someone would swoop in and save me, make it all better, fix it…

There are no such things as fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor…this is the life I chose, and I just have to deal with it…somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better…

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Posted on April 14, 2012, in Word Vomit and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Maybe it isn’t about feeling better or looking for a magic fix. Life sucks sometimes, and that’s okay. You may not be the greatest Mom, but you don’t have to be. I don’t have any tips or advice, because I’m not living your life. But you seem very strong and very aware. I know a lot of people think “One day I will be a Mom who does it all. I’ll be calm and put together, the house will be clean, the kid will use the toilet. Everything will be great, and I’ll get there one day.”

    Here’s the shitty thing though. If you live one day at a time (which is really how you ought to) – then you don’t have tomorrow. You have today, and that’s it. So be who you want to be now.

    Kids suck the life out of you. It’s brutal, self-sacrificing, and anyone who is a happy parent has either A) accepted that and decided to focus on the great parts of parenting instead or B) Isn’t really parent at all, because someone else is doing all the work.

    By the way, I’m not sure if you have read it, but there is a poem by Gwen Harwood called “In the Park” and I think it describes what you’re feeling. It’s certainly not positive, but it opens your eyes.

    If this comment pissed you off, you don’t have to approve it. Who’s to say I have any idea what the hell I’m talking about?

    I do sincerely hope you feel better though, and chances are if you are worrying about this stuff you aren’t a terrible Mom at all – but a good, albeit exhausted, one.

    • When I first wrote my comment I felt sort of okay about it, but I think it came off a bit negative. Parenting is unbelievably difficult, but I think it is also one of the most rewarding things in the world. To be able to look at your child and to think, “Oh my God, I made that. This person exsts because of me.” It’s powerful and it’s incredible. So maybe you do feel like a sucky mother. Well, we all feel sucky sometimes and we all screw up. But there’s no point killing yourself over the fact that you slept in for an hour. I highly doubt it will affect your kids in any negative way.

      Anyway, now I feel like I’m invading your life and your privacy, so I’m going to go away and not bother you again. I guess I just wanted to apologize for presuming that I could know anything about you.

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