Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Potty Chronicles – Signs of Progress

I wonder if I will look back on this period of Sean’s life and be amazed that I helped him through this or relieved that it’s over…

Progress is being made, but not without moments that make me wonder…

Sean is so nervous about accidentally going on the floor that when I take the diaper or pull-ups off, he parks himself on his potty…he eats breakfast on the potty…he drinks juice on the potty…he watches Thomas on the potty…he has a whole set-up next to the potty with a place for all his stuff…

And yes, I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to sit on the potty – unless he has to go…

When he does something, anything, in the potty we cheer and make a big deal out of flushing it all away…and then we celebrate with Skittles…

I’ve made it such a habit to ask if he has to go that he will randomly yell out, “I no have to poop, Mommy!” Thanks honey…and “randomly” means when we’re in a crowded public place…and when I say yell, I mean scream

No matter how the potty-training goes, it’s still better than when Aidan was learning…that was pure hell…in comparison this is a freaking breeze…I’m just glad we’ve made progress recently – it gives me hope that I won’t be changing his diaper when he’s 30…

Fairy Godmothers & Knights in Shining Armor

Sometimes I think I suck as a mom…

I have felt weighed down for a couple of days…I don’t have a good explanation for why…I just have…feeling this way affects how I am with the boys – and I hate it…

I don’t want Aidan on my lap – hell, isn’t he too big for that shit now?

I don’t care about potty-training Sean – except diapers are expensive and that’s my only motivation…

I yell at them for small things…I leave the TV on too long…hell, I stayed in bed an hour longer than normal and left both boys to their own devices this morning…a 2 year old and a 6 year old – and I am very aware of how lucky I was that nothing bad happened…

I know you don’t have to have a lot of money to do fun things and keep kids busy…I don’t even want to take them to the park…

What kind of mom am I?

Most people give platitudes – you’re just tired (no shit)…it’s just a bad day (too many bad days)…it gets better (yeah, when?)…they tell me not to be so hard on myself (except I am solely responsible for raising these boys, and I can’t fuck it up)…they all mean well…but it doesn’t change how I feel…

A few weeks ago I was damn lucky and got a genuine break…shouldn’t I just be grateful for that?

I’m not the only single parent in the world…I’m not the only one who does it on my own…how do other people do it?

I cried in the shower today…I had managed to get poop, pee, drool, chocolate milk, peanut butter, and all other manners of crap all over myself, and I hadn’t cared enough to shower until Sean’s nap – I could have, I just didn’t care…

I stupidly wished someone would swoop in and save me, make it all better, fix it…

There are no such things as fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor…this is the life I chose, and I just have to deal with it…somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better…

Just One Little Thing

Why am I always surprised when one little thing changes my perspective?  It happens all the time…you’d think I’d catch on…

One conversation with Big Brother today filled me with hope for my future…

One phone call from This Man reminded me that we do better when I chill out and don’t overthink and emote all over the place…

One second of quick thinking, and I turned a bad situation around – I don’t love the solution, but at least I got it fixed…

I’ve been sort of in my head lately, but not enough to have anything to say…I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo…neither moving forward nor moving back…just existing…and I don’t like to just exist…it’s how you get into ruts…it’s how you settle…I don’t want to settle…so I’ve been trying to work towards stuff, but for a few days everything was stagnant…

Everything is cyclical…right now, things feel like they’re progressing…in a week, I’ll feel the exact opposite, I’m sure…if I can just remember days like today…it wasn’t all good…it wasn’t all bad…but just one little thing can change everything…

 

In Which Easter Turns Out Better Than Expected

If someone had told me yesterday that I would have spent my Easter watching my boys play in the grass, look for Easter eggs, and eat way too many sweets, I would have called them a liar…

I never have been great at the whole family outing thing – even when I was married…mostly because I can see the aggravation that will occur, and it just makes me tired, so I tend to beg off and do very little…but I’ve been making an effort for the boys – especially at the holidays…

So Saturday was the Easter Egg Drop at the local high school…10,000 eggs, several of which were thrown from a helicopter…Sean was clingy because he doesn’t like crowds (he’s definitely my child)…Aidan was just antsy and wanted to stay close…Mom #2 came with because there are just some things I’m not doing alone…wrangling two kids over Easter eggs is one of them…

We got down to the football field; they did a countdown; and it was pandemonium…Aidan managed to grab 2 eggs…Sean wouldn’t let me put him down…not that I could have because I couldn’t see the ground for all the people….it was like locusts, y’all…within two minutes the eggs were gone, and Aidan was crying…I saw some kids with 40+ eggs…are you freaking kidding me?! A little boy shared his eggs with the boys because his dad knew Mom #2…and I felt better about humanity again…

Aidan was a little mopey yesterday…and then Mom #2 to the rescue! She invited us to her family Easter dinner/egg hunt…after what happened earlier, how could I say no?

The boys were satisfied with what the Easter Bunny brought them this morning and had sugar for breakfast (in the form of candy)…they were happy to get out of the house…but as usual, Sean was feeling shy, and Aidan was anxious…

We arrived and just let them play and play…Sean took to Mom #2’s family very quickly…Aidan just wanted to play with the only other kid there…they barely ate their lunch – but we did learn that Sean loves Jello…and then it was time for the Easter egg hunt…

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Yeah, I’d say they had a good time…Aidan ended up having to put eggs in his pockets because he filled up his basket…and the boys were included in their family tradition and “found” special eggs with their names on them…I sat on the backporch in a swing and just spent a few hours chatting and watching my babies play…it was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while…and it was even better because the boys were so happy…

Hard Choices

I had a hard realization last night…for the first time in my life, I believe there is going to come a day when I have to make a choice between my career and my family…

I see a day, in the near future, when I’m going to be past ready to go back to Mississippi…I miss my mom…I miss BFF…I miss This Man…I miss having a life…the boys need more than just me to influence them – they do so well with my mom and The Step…they barely even know BFF…

I love my job…I found my passion when I got this job…no, that’s not accurate…I knew within 6 months of working for the company that they needed someone who does what I can do…and I decided if they ever got around to creating the position, I would fight like hell for it…and 2 years later, that’s exactly what I did…I fought hard for my current position…and I have fought like hell to be taken seriously and to be damned good at what I do…

But I’m not confident that I’ll find what I do in Mississippi…I don’t have a degree to back me up (yet – but I got plans), although I am a college graduate…I don’t know anyone who does what I do (they’re there, I just don’t know them)…and I don’t think I can stay in my current industry…

I have to face the reality that I may have to decide what’s more important to me…my professional life or my personal life…and this may sound crazy, but it’s a hard decision…since I was 19, it was imperative that I work…there was no downtime, there were no breaks…and I did whatever work I could find – y’all, I was a telemarketer for six months…

I could have had a career in retail management, but under bad leadership and after getting taken for granted for a long time, I took the first opportunity I could to get out…but I took a paycut to do it…a year after that, I was with my current company (and took another paycut)…but this is where I’ve finally had the opportunity to do what I love…the thought of giving it up after working hard to get here is painful…

But the thought of remaining alone and isolated is unbearable…

After a week completely alone, I knew where I wanted to be…I knew what I wanted and needed…but how do I give up what I love for what I need – and the people I love?

Don’t Make Me Do Trimwork

I finally figured out something about myself that I’ve known instinctively, but have never been able to verbalize, and it’s in the form of an analogy…or is it metaphor? Crap, and I’m supposed to know this stuff…

Anyway, back in the day, when it was time to do a home improvement project, I always chose something big – paint the whole room, change all the flooring, whatever. When it came time to do the work, I was the one who wanted to take the roller and paint all the walls…I have no problem spending a few hours with primer and two coats of paint, busting my ass to get it done, sweating all over the place. Because when I’m done, I can step back and see progress, a big difference, a definite change…

But God, please don’t make me do the trimwork…please don’t make me deal with all the tiny details…I will procrastinate for days before I’ll work on it…and only if I feel obligated to do so…(Side note: for whatever reason, none of this applies to how I am at work…I pride myself on being a details person in the office, meticulous even – strange but true…).

So what has this revelation got to do with anything?

I had kind of a lightbulb moment today…baby steps are required for the changes I want to make…baby steps are the small little details…there is no giant paintbrush to take to my life, to make a sweeping change, so that it’s clear something is happening…

I am such a naturally impatient person that dealing with the small steps, the small details, required to make changes never seems like enough…which means I never even get started…which means I miss opportunities…there are so many things I want to do, have, be…and I’ve got to start doing what it takes to get there…

I know, intellectually, that if I do something small everyday that moves me in the direction I want to go, I will get there…I know that when I get there, I’ll look back and think that it didn’t really take that long…I know this…but God, I hate trimwork.

I Want…

I’m not used to getting what I want…and I don’t think it’s a matter of “receiving” things…I think it’s a matter of figuring out what it takes to make those things happen for myself.

Whether selfish, thoughtful, or whatever, there are things I want in life (in an absolutely random order):

I want to go back to school.

I want to have more time with my boys.

I want to eat at nice restaurants.

I want to dance.

I want to shop – for clothes, jewelry, shoes, whatever.

I want to be surrounded by family.

I want a relationship that is a partnership.

I want to travel.

I want my boys to understand you don’t always get what you want in life.

I want to give my boys the world.

I want to be healthy.

I want to lose weight.

I want to look hot.

I want a haircut.

I want to go on a foodie roadtrip – Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives style.

I want to walk on the beach…alone, with someone else, either way.

I want to run again.

I want to learn how to want – you have no idea how long it took to make the list so far.

I want good health for myself and everyone I care about.

I want to laugh a big belly laugh…laugh until it hurts.

I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms.

I want to know I’m not alone in this life.

I want a cupcake…a good cupcake.

I’m nothing if not both deep in my head and goofy as hell. I’m not unique in my wants…and if I took more time, I could come up with more. Now I just have to figure out how to make it all happen.

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