Category Archives: Love

Uh Oh, It Happened…

I’m in like ya’ll.  It might be love…you tell me.

We were on the phone last night, and I suggested we watch a movie on Netflix together.  Sweet, right?  Long-distance relationship and we’re sharing a “normal” moment.

What movie did I agree to watch?  Rocky.  Yes, made in 1976, starring Sylvester Stallone, Rocky.

Shhh, don’t tell anyone but I kind of liked it.

What will I be doing tomorrow night?

Watching the Giants game online while he watches it on ESPN or wherever.  I’m not even sure what ESPN stands for…Everyone Supports Primitive Natures?  No, that can’t be right.

If he still wants to speak to me after patiently explaining for the 17th time what a field goal is, we might be ok…and that was a joke, people.  I know what a field goal is – it has something to do with the ball they use for hockey , right? (Kidding!  Jeeez, give me a little credit.)

I haven’t made up a cute nickname for him yet, because I’m not ready to write about it.  Mostly because I want to keep this little bit of wonderful amazingness (is that a word?) to myself.

But just know – he’s gotta be some kind of wonderful for me to watch Rocky and a football game in my lifetime, let alone in the same week.

 

Sometimes You Just Know

I’ve been in my head today…not in a bad, mopey way…I’m always trying to figure things out…decide if I’m looking at issues from the right perspective…

I can’t fix my life financially…I can’t fix The Ex…I can’t fix so many things…I can only deal with me and how I think and feel…that probably sounds pretty simplistic, but for someone with control issues, that’s a major revelation…

Lately, my mind has been on This Man – a lot…I can always tell when I’ve had too much time away from him, because thoughts of him can’t be put to the side easily…

When we first reconnected after so many years, it was comfortable…it was the best part of who we were as kids…we had both matured…we didn’t need to prove anything to each other, so the cockiness of our youth took a back seat…it didn’t take long for me to fall…and fall hard…he spent more time reassuring me that it was ok to feel the way I did than anything else…

For weeks, we talked, texted, emailed…it was wonderful…it was heady stuff…for the first time in so long, I felt like a teenager…and like a greedy child, I didn’t want that to end…but this is the real world, and the real world has a way of intervening…

I think it works in our favor that This Man and I came together again during a moment in time when he had the ability to focus on me…because once his life turned a little, that changed…

I didn’t handle it well, at first…I emoted…I freaked out…I was so unsure of myself and of his feelings for me…I had no confidence that without constant contact he wouldn’t forget all about me, change his mind, run screaming in the other direction…

I’ve settled down…waaaaay down…he made the statement several weeks ago that he just wants me to be happy and if that meant being with someone else, he wouldn’t like it, but he’d accept it…I tried to say the same thing, but I choked a little on it…I want him to be happy, too – of course! But I just hope it’s with me…I had to explain to him that this isn’t about being with just anyone, with a warm body that might buy me dinner every once in a while…I’d like to think that if I went out looking for that, I could find it – but that could just be a little ego talking…this about something much deeper, purer, and (possibly) simpler…

Now I’m at a point where I’m dissecting everything…and if I told him, he’d probably roll his eyes, and say, “Oh brother…” I do know him pretty well…

The feelings came easily…once I accepted them…my paranoid side wonders if it was too easy…I’m nervous about anything that seems too easy…but what’s easy about being three hours apart, talking maybe three times a week, and only seeing each other once a month (if I’m lucky)?

My instinct tells me that if we ever get to just be that good things will happen…and then I scare myself because what if my instinct is wrong?  Have you ever just known something, deep down in your gut, unquestioningly, so that it becomes simple fact?  That’s what this is…it’s not a feeling that everything will be perfect or that it will always be easy…it’s knowing that no matter what happens, it can (and hopefully will) work out…

This Man’s life is in a little bit of limbo right now…and I get it…this time last year, I was in a similar position…so I’ve backed off…I’ve let him be…I’ve waited for him to have calm moments…I’ve accepted what I can have of him, from him, and tried not to ask for more…not because I think I don’t deserve more…but because I really do believe that if we can get to that point, it will fall into place like it’s supposed to…as long as I respect the weirdness of his life right now…

And while I try not to care or think too much about what other people think of me, my life, This Man, whatever, I know that without my gut telling me what I know in my heart to be true, it probably looks from the outside like I give more or care more or feel more…but I guess that’s why it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…it only matters what we think…

So I’m not just accepting my lot in life – in my own way, I’m working towards a better, happier future…and I’m not settling for something less than what I deserve (been there, done that)…I’m showing patience I didn’t know I possessed…I’m willing to wait for the right moment in time…I believe that something excellent can come of this, whatever this is…

 

My Heart Is In Mississippi

I have felt off since Monday…

At first I thought it was from leaving This Man – which I really hate…I hate it when he leaves me more, though…there’s a certain amount of perceived control when you’re the one driving away (at least in my mind)…

Then for half a second I thought I really was missing the boys…except the peace and quiet have been freaking awesome…I haven’t changed my routine too much because I don’t want to get used to something I can’t maintain…but to come and go as I please is a luxury I’d forgotten about…

And this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks…my whole heart is in Mississippi…

My mom is in Mississippi…

My BFF is in Mississippi…

This Man is in Mississippi…

And now my boys are in Mississippi…

Don’t get me wrong…I have good friends here with me – Mom #2 and Big Brother come to mind immediately…except we all have our own separate lives…we aren’t interwoven into the fabric of each other’s lives the way I am with Mama, BFF, and This Man…they are my family…technically, I could show up at 2am and they’d still love me (if they woke up enough to let me inside)…I could call anyone of them in the middle of the night for help (but only if I had no other option – I don’t call myself independent for nothin’)…

I didn’t notice it before because the boys are always with me, so I always have family around me…family that is totally dependent on me, runs me ragged, makes me crazy, and need to be raised, but at least it’s family…without them here, I have no one with me…and I don’t like it…I’ve never felt so isolated before  – this is soul-crushing.  I now know that if I didn’t have the boys, I’d do nothing but work…it’s all I have…

The Step and my mom told me I should move back to Mississippi months ago…and I fought them…because I needed to prove to myself, the world, The Ex, and anyone else that I could do it on my own…that I didn’t need constant support and help.  And I’ve done it…experiment attempted and theory proven: Michaela can function and raise two children with limited support and help.

And what I learned is that yeah, I can do it – but it sucks.  And I don’t want to be alone anymore…and I don’t want to do it all anymore…and today, I learned that my whole heart is in Mississippi…and without it, the pain is unbearable…

 

Last Week’s Hell Was Worth It…

I started smiling at 5:15am on Saturday and didn’t stop until about 9:45pm on Sunday…I only hit the snooze button once on Saturday and the morning routine was the smoothest it’s been in months…the boys didn’t fuss…I wasn’t stressed or worried…I was anxious to get there, though…

Saturday morning was with my mom…Saturday afternoon and night was all BFF and margaritas…oh hell, the margaritas!

Sunday was This Man…and it was perfect…I was the most relaxed and content I’ve ever been…there were no worries, no stresses…just blissful time spent together away from our real lives…and no, I’m not giving details – I don’t kiss and tell…

I stopped smiling at 9:45pm because that’s when I needed to leave…he had things to do, and I needed to be back home for a meeting this morning…and I felt like I was being punched in the gut…I felt like a part of me was being ripped in half…

I listen to my instinct, my gut, to get me through life…and every fiber of my being said not to leave…not because something bad was going to happen, but because it was wrong…I do what I’m supposed to do whether I want to or not all the time…this was no different…

I cried…I hugged him…I drove away, sniffling…and then I do what I do best – I put my emotions to the side, buried them where they couldn’t hurt me, and moved on…life has to go on regardless of what I might want to happen…

But I miss my mom…I miss BFF…and I miss This Man…and my world no longer feels quite as right as it did this weekend…

Every temper tantrum, every aggravation, every moment of The Ex’s idiocy last week was worth it for 2 days of life being right.

My Insecurities Keep Gettin’ In The Way

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been told how intelligent I am…so much so that as a kid, especially those lovely teen years, I was downright arrogant about it…I prized my “intelligence” over everything else, and if not for the specter of college applications, would never have tried to be more well-rounded – at least academically…and I was thinking about college in middle school…

But, I had my things I was stupid about…This Man would probably say “naive” but I’m going with stupid…relationships, love, men, boys…I might have been arrogant about my brains, but I was so insecure about myself as a girl (and later as a woman) that I had some pretty disastrous relationships…I guess the best example of that would be The Ex…

At 19, I thought The Ex was it…he loved me, he said all the right things, and nothing else mattered…it didn’t matter that our relationship was screwed up from day one…it didn’t matter that I left the last little bit of my young adulthood behind at 19 to help pay electric bills and water bills and work 2 jobs at a time…

Twelve years and two kids later, I wised up…never said I was a fast learner…time is meaningless if lessons aren’t learned and stupidity dealt with…I’ve learned from my relationship with The Ex…I’ve learned what I won’t tolerate…I’ve learned what’s important to me…I’ve learned that I still possess the same insecurities I had at 19, except now they’re more intense…

Back in the day, my insecurities were focused on my looks…in my mind, I was fat, ugly, and physically unappealing…I figured that it was my smartass self that caught the most attention…At 32, I don’t consider myself fat or ugly…I’m no model, and I don’t consider myself beautiful (don’t tell my mom, she’ll kick my ass)…and like most women, I am extremely aware of every flaw…

But now it’s worse…my insecurities are amplified because I doubt my own intelligence…how could I have been so dumb? (For the record, I don’t regret my marriage – I got the best part of him in Aidan and Sean.) How could I have worked so hard against my own self-interests?

And I’m only thinking about it now because I’m in freak-out mode with This Man who apparently possesses an endless well of patience…

I want to be my brash, bold, sassy, smartass self…and sometimes I am…until the conversation turns to matters of the heart…and then I’m a snivelling, worried basketcase…

It was easier with Music Man…I liked him well enough, but I knew it was temporary…my heart was never actually involved…it was never even a consideration of mine that he would meet my children…and ironically, he got the best of me…the easy-going, fun, classic smartass Michaela…

Where the hell is that chick now? Hiding…fearful…I was so wrong the first time…and everyone who cared about me knew it…what if I’m wrong this time? Even though I know I’m not…but what if? And while I’m scared, my biggest fear is that my insecurities just make me seem pathetic and who wants to be around that?!

It’s so bad that I take every chance I can to get him in front of my friends (even I know it’s waaaaay too soon for family), just so I can get their opinion…almost like I need validation that I’m no longer the biggest idiot ever…which isn’t fair to him…

It’s a never-ending cycle, and I don’t know how to fix it…the only thing I can come up with is, “Fake it ’til you make it.”

Like a lot of things I’ve changed about myself in the past year, I literally have to make the conscious decision to be different, to change…in every action, every word, I have to stop and think first…eventually, I’ll develop new habits…it’s the only way I know to keep from ruining a potentially great thing…and I deserve something wonderful…

Terms of Endearment

I’m a “baby” person, and God, no, I don’t mean children…that sounds pretty bad, huh? Um, I adore my children…well, usually..anyway…

For the entire 12 years I was with The Ex, the only time I ever called him by his given name was when I was angry with him…otherwise, he was “baby” or “babe” to me…and I was “baby” to him…we were baby people…a couple of times in the past year, I have come thisclose to slipping up when talking to him…

And here I am, dipping my toe into the big, scary world of relationships, and I have an issue (big shocker, I know)…I associate that word with The Ex…but its my preferred term of endearment…mentally, I keep trying others out and they just don’t feel right…

But I’m not a nickname person…This Man’s most common endearment for me is a nickname from high school – Kayla (my mom will love that)…and only he gets to call me that…well him and my YY, but that’s it (so don’t get any ideas out there)…

I call everyone (but YY) by their given name or at least how they introduce themselves to me…The Ex had about three variations of his name, and I was the first to call him by his given name (when I was mad because remember he was “baby” the rest of the time)…

So what the hell am I rambling about? I’m an endearment person…and I don’t know what to do…my preferred “baby” is still linked in my mind to The Ex…and the irrational part of me thinks I might jinx myself if I start using it…the weird part of me thinks it’s me going back to the past, and I need to avoid that like the plague…the sane part of me thinks I need to get over it because I’m a “baby” person and whoever I love is just going to be my baby…

A Digital Girl Living In A Digital World

For someone who proclaims herself a talker (the fact that I have two blogs and an idea for a third (sad but true) probably automatically makes me a talker), I really don’t like actually talking…on the phone at least – don’t tell my mom though…for all the times I’ve rambled for more than 30 minutes without taking a breath, she might not believe it…

If I could interact with the world completely through text and email, I would.  I’m just better at the written word.  When I speak, it never comes out like I hear it in my head – unless I’ve mentally prepared for whatever we’re talking about (“mentally prepared for” is code for “obsessed over”)…I’m not a naturally eloquent speaker…but I’m an excellent typer! I suck at small talk…I’ve gotten better over the years because I had to learn at least a little, but it’s not a natural thing for me…

It’s gotten so bad that I actually communicate better with This Man through email than I do over the phone.  If we were in the same physical space, it probably wouldn’t matter…part of my distaste for talking on the phone is that I can’t read body language and facial expressions – so that I know when to shut up or change the subject or whether my attempt at a joke actually worked…This Man is one of my rare exceptions to the phone thing…I’ll knock down a little old lady with a walker to get to the phone if I know he’s calling me…

Anyway back to living in the digital world…texting and email was invented for people like me – I don’t really want to physically speak but I want a quicker response than an actual hand-written letter. And while I know a letter received through the mail is really special to a lot of people, I mostly just view another piece of paper as clutter (I hate physical clutter, but have more digital clutter than is probably healthy)…please don’t make me have to hold on to another piece of paper.  But an email?  I have emails that I absolutely view as love letters and that I intend on keeping for as long as there’s a cloud.

I have every email This Man has sent me since September 2011 from mundane to magical.  And while I know he doesn’t always have time to email me (especially as often as I’d prefer being the prolific emailer that I am), every one that comes through sends shivers down my spine…I think I understand the feeling lovers used to get when they received a letter in the mail.  Maybe the rarity of his emails is what makes them so special.

Most people would roll their eyes at the idea of an email being special…or that an email could really be a love letter…we all send off so many emails that take less than a minute to compose everyday that emails aren’t special…so maybe, for me, it’s the intent…for This Man to take the time out of his day to stop, think about how he feels, type it out, and send it, is meaningful…and no, I’m not settling for less than I deserve…my emails from him are the same to me as love letters tied with a ribbon…I pull them out (virtually, of course) and re-read them – for different reasons…when I need reassurance that I’m not dreaming this, when I remember some point he made, but want to read the whole thing, when I miss him and need to feel close…

And there are digital love notes, too…not just sweet text messages, which of course are definitely love notes…but This Man sends me links to songs on YouTube…one day, I’d love to create a playlist of the music we’ve sent back and forth…just because each has a small meaning…most as simple as “I like this one and hope you do too” and some are more than that…

I’m pretty sure my grandmother could never imagine that we would one day go from keeping letters in a box under the bed to holding on to a text message with a YouTube link in it…but (for me at least) they are one and the same…

Fear: Making People Stupid Since The Dawn of Time

Big Brother tells me all the time to watch out for fear because it will cause you to do stupid things…I hate it when he’s right…I think about the situations that make me fearful in nearly every aspect of my life…I think before I act, I analyze, I’m cautious…except for matters of the heart…

And I let fear get the best of me…and if This Man that I adore was not thinking clearer than me, I might have scared him off for good…

For someone who stays pretty dispassionate (on the surface, only on the surface), men can drive me to extremes I didn’t know existed…with The Ex, when I was angry, I screamed…and I mean, screamed – people who know me wouldn’t recognize me if they witnessed it…

This Man, inadvertently, brings out my overly emotional and fearful side…it’s not his fault, but he’s the catalyst…

We’ve mostly just talked for the past few months…old friends who reconnected…but at some point, my heart got more involved than it should…than either of us is ready for…and now I’m so fearful of losing him, that if he was a different man, I would have driven him away this weekend…but thankfully, he’s one of the few men on the planet who can handle me…and he admitted to me tonight that he mostly just sighed and thought, “Oh brother…”

Ok, first – thanks dude, really?!  But second, I am so thankful that he gets me…had we been face-to-face, he probably could have snapped me out of it with a look or word…

I’m a typical Scorpio…and, while I’d like to pretend I’m not, I’m extremely insecure when it comes to love and relationships…so, match meet tinder…a small explosion was bound to occur…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last…

I’ve pretty much conquered fear on a lot of levels – both personal and professional…this is unchartered territory, and I have a lot of previous baggage to deal with…if This Man can survive some of that (while I survive some of his baggage) we may do just fine…but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time I show my ass and then have to eat a little crow and beg forgiveness for my own stupidity…

%d bloggers like this: