Category Archives: Random

Facing The Giants

I thought of my blog title while talking to Big Brother today…yeah, this blogging thing is an illness sometimes…he and I were having a very serious conversation about my no-good, really bad day on Friday…

I really did pay attention to his advice, but being the eloquent guy he is, that phrase stuck with me…

I was bemoaning some of the issues I’ve been going through…and as always he reminded me that I am so much more than my problems…he promised, as someone who has been there, that I will make it to the other side and these days will be just a blip on my radar…

He chided me on burying my head in the sand on some of the issues in my life…he told me to face the giants, and know that having to tell someone things they don’t want to hear is not the end of the world…

Y’all, I hate confrontation…even when I’m right, but especially when I could be wrong…it’s the fear of an argument that I may not be able to refute…it’s the fear (yes, fear) of being yelled at and of disapproval…

I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I don’t always think fast on my feet…especially in a heated moment, or at least what I fear might be heated…so instead of having a moment of not knowing how to respond to something negative, I prefer to just avoid it…I’m a total ostrich…

The big problem with that? Most of the time the confrontation I fear never materializes…and as Big Brother always reminds me, if I do what I know is right, the confrontation doesn’t really matter…

/sigh…I guess I gotta start facing those damn giants…

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Irrationally Hating Bubba

I hate you…in an irrational way that makes me seem a little crazy…you are so much more than a mode of transportation…

You make me remember one of the worst times in my life…you were used to cause aggravation and pain…you are a last reminder of a time in my life that I want to be shed of…

And yet, you are none of those things, because I’m only projecting my own issues onto you…

You scare me because I don’t trust you…you embarass me because you’re not anything I would ever drive…you stress me out…

But you don’t really do any of that either…that’s me again…

Knowing that my hatred is irrational doesn’t change it…it doesn’t even come close…I accept that it’s insane…I embrace it a little…I get angry because I know my life won’t immediately be better when I kick you to the curb, but I want to believe a weight will lift….

When I am lucky enough to forget about you for a few days, I hope a miracle will happen and I’ll be able to forget about you forever…driving something else feels like freedom…like a weight has lifted…like flying…

When I am forced to admit that life doesn’t work that way and I take you back, I feel the weight drop back on my shoulders…heavier than before…and all I can think about is how much I hate you…yeah, it’s not rational…it might not even be sane…and it definitely isn’t healthy…but Bubba, I hate you…and I will not shed a tear when you go…

Exhausted

It’s still too quiet in my head…and I still don’t like it…but today it didn’t matter…

Today I ran my ass off at work…I was over here…and then over there…then helping that person…then running to this person…it was constant, nonstop insanity…Y’all, I work a freaking desk job for a reason…my feet hurt, my legs hurt, I think I might have a blister…

And I am not complaining…it was an entire day of the crap in my head being the least important thing on the planet…today, I got to do what I do best – work damn hard…

I wanted to go to sleep before I got off work this afternoon…I was dreading getting the boys because little boys take a lot of energy, and I didn’t have it…but the parenting gods smiled down on me tonight…they were good, freaking awesome, actually…who are these boys and can they stay?

I still don’t feel right…but right now, I’m too tired to care…I’m too tired to even analyze why I don’t care…as Aidan said tonight, “O. M. G!”

Empty and Hollow

I know, I know, where the hell have I been lately? The simple answer is that I’ve been hiding…

I haven’t had anything positive or reassuring to say, and I didn’t feel like clogging up the world with more…blah…

I’ve been a person I vaguely recognize and don’t like…and no amount of pep talks, positive thinking, or looking for a silver lining has changed it…I’m sluggish, I’m low-energy, I’m dull (and I don’t mean I’m boring)…I just don’t care…my house is a wreck…my diet is bordering on disgusting…my ass is spreading…and yes, I know, this is “normal,” this is something that other people go through, this is temporary…something feels different…

I tend to live in my head…being single, introverted, and sort of hermit-like (mostly because of circumstances beyond my control), means that I’m in my head more often than not…under normal circumstances my very vivid imagination tends to take over…I’m usually filled with hopes, plans, goals, wants, desires…right now? Nothing…it’s quiet…

I’m not sure when something shifted, but I know how…I know the stages…first I was normal (well, as normal as I get…), then came the overwhelming stress (about the typical stuff), but instead of moving out of it like I usually do, I got stuck…and it deepened…I cried which normally breaks the cycle…I woke up the next day and felt…nothing…numb is the best word I can think of…

I’ve been almost clinical while I’ve tried to figure out what’s wrong…until I just stop caring again…on my way home tonight, I finally figured out how to describe how I feel…empty…hollow…when it gets bad, add in hopeless…when I start thinking about the why, it’s the same damn list it always is, so why bother thinking anymore about it…

Sometimes I feel like my wings have been clipped (yeah, it sounds a little dramatic, I know)…I can’t come and go…and I don’t mean without the boys, this isn’t about needing some time for myself…BBFF had emergency surgery on Monday, and even though I had the time to go, I couldn’t get to him…and as bad as that felt, my mind went immediately to my mom…what if something happened to her? How in the hell would I get to her? Both my mom and BBFF live in the same basic area…it’s a fair comparison…in an emergency what in the hell do I do? I’m not even self-sufficient enough to travel 2 hours…

And the moment I admit that, I feel stupid for considering it a problem…there are so many more people in this world with real problems…why am I complaining, what right do I have? Which starts another ridiculous cycle of negativity…but I’d almost take the negative because it’s something…it’s a feeling, an emotion…

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by own stress…maybe it’s a self-preservation thing…maybe my brain can only take so much…

Big Brother told me I need a plan…I’m afraid to plan, to dream…I can’t imagine how I can achieve it…and then it hurts too much to worry about it…it’s just easier not to…

I miss me…my normal self…I can’t even fake being badass…it takes too much energy…

The worst part is the silence in my own head…normally, I have a million thoughts running through my mind…planning, working, figuring. I hate the silence…it’s crushing…it’s empty and hollow…it’s not the me I like.

The Will To Change

Everyone probably needs to change something in their lives…I’d love to meet the person who doesn’t need to…I already know plenty who don’t think they need to change…

I can name several things that I’d like to change…my ability to procrastinate on the things I don’t want to deal with…my inability to save any amount of money, even if it’s just $1 a month (I promise that’s about all I can do some months)…my (new) inability to focus on my own health for more than about 5 minutes – it’s new because I spent 3 years losing weight with nothing more than focus, determination, and hard work…

I think I know what I need to get back on track…I need to rest and rejuvenate…I mean, actually rest…get a real break from work and kids…but I live in the real world…not everyone gets the luxury of taking time away from their lives to refocus, so I’m no different from anyone else…so what do I do?

I have to find the will to make the changes necessary to move forward in a more positive way…I need to remember that the quicker I get through the dreaded stuff, the quicker it’s over…and often no where near as bad as I fear it will be…I have to be willing to not run through drive thru and spend $5 when I don’t really have that money to spend and it’s unhealthy…but it feels like a sacrifice…

I recognize the falseness of that thinking…not having the “luxury” of spending a few dollars on crappy food sounds silly…but it’s a mindset I have fallen in to and I don’t know how to change it…I remember growing up broke and being told no, a lot…I remember getting easy credit in college, feeling like I had money, spending it, paying it all off, and then spending it again – ruined my credit for a few years…I remember being pregnant with Aidan and making about $8 an hour (with no income from The Ex)…

I’m not any different from a lot of people…money is tight for most of the world…what I can’t get over is how not spending money (that I don’t have) is a sacrifice…and then I need to find a way to figure out how to be ok with the “sacrifice” if it means that I save a few dollars or I have breathing room, financially or I eat less crap, which is killing my health…

The first step is the will to change…the next step is the first small step of change…either way, for whatever reason, I’m stuck at that first step…which makes me wonder where my focus, determination, and ability to work hard have gone…why can’t I just strong arm my way through this until I make the necessary changes?

Gotta Love Those Endorphins

I think I have a new rule for my loved ones…if we’re talking and I seem unnecessarily down, sad, mopey, or any other basketcase-like emotion, please, please ask me if I’ve worked out yet for the day…

For the second day in a row, I whined to BBFF on the phone about how stressful life is, how I feel pretty miserable, blah blah blah…and then picked myself up, changed clothes, let Jillian Michaels kick my ass (I just love her) and felt like crap for dumping all over him…the things that have been bothering me still bother me, but I’m in a better frame of mind…I’m thinking more clearly and logically…my feelings aren’t clouding my thought process…now I’m good company…

It’s gotta be the endorphins…or it’s simply that my ass really got kicked, and I can’t focus on anything but the pain…either way, it works…

Yesterday, it was money…today, it was loneliness…sometimes, even now, I am shocked at how some of the changes in my life since the divorce can affect me…I’m very used to and comfortable with being single…with the boys and I being the Three Musketeers…but I don’t really think my life is meant to be just the three of us…and maybe that’s where the loneliness comes from…

I have BFF and I have BBFF, and I have others…but because of the way life works and the physical distance between me and a lot of the people I care about, sometimes I feel very isolated…I can admit, sometimes I do it to myself…I’m a homebody (because gas costs money)…I don’t trust people (stranger-danger)…and I am unwilling to randomly call people and whine to them (except for poor BBFF)…but I can’t spend my life wallowing in misery…

The next time I wallow and whine, someone please hit me over the head with a Jillian Michaels DVD…

That’s Just Creepy

Some things are just creepy…some things just give me chills – and not the good kind…a wiggly tooth, blood pouring from any wound anywhere, roadkill, vomit in my hair (that totally happened)… and strange men who troll Facebook looking to hook up…

Yeah, I said that…’cause, yeah, it happens…

I’ll go out on a limb and hypothesize that it happens oh, I don’t know, everywhere…just call me Captain Obvious…but there’s something inherently creepy about it happening on Facebook…and what’s got me really icked out is that I was receiving these hook up offers without even knowing it, and thanks to the latest Facebook upgrade I can now see other messages I couldn’t before…

Nearly everyone discussed my smile from my profile pic (because my privacy settings don’t let people see much else)…but I think my personal favorite was when I was compared to Lady Jane who usurped Anne Boleyn (sp?) for King Henry’s affection…wait, what?! And none of the messages indicate that any of these men can spell, understand grammar, or have the aptitude to spell words out in full…I am not impressed with a two-paragraph email that looks like a giant text message…

So while I am in no way interested in being propositioned by a stranger, especially through Facebook, I can at least respect a little actual effort…I wouldn’t respond, I would still feel a little icky, but there might be a kernel of respect for the (obviously) lonely man who lives in a basement somewhere that actually put in real effort…unless the Lady Jane thing was what a concerted effort looks like…in that case, no thanks…

Heaven help me if I ever become so lonely as to consider responding to a message that looks a little like this: “oh dear…i got trapped by ur elegant beauty…hope to read from u soon.” Really?! Please don’t hold your breath waiting on that one!

Clear Your Mind…

I firmly believe that the mind can only deal with one major issue at a time…well, it can only deal well with one thing at a time…have you ever noticed that once one stressor is dealt with, another begins to weigh more heavily? It happens to me a lot…

I spent so many years stressed about finances, I didn’t deal with a crumbling marriage…once I corrected the money issue (by working a second job), I had room to think about my marriage…and deal with it…

That principle works for everyday life…my biggest project at work each year just finished Saturday night…it’s an all-consuming event that stretches me to my physical and mental limits…now that it’s over, my mind is calm and has room for other stuff…you would think that it might be work-related, right? Nope, the mind doesn’t work that simply…

Today, while sitting at home with a not-sick Sean (thanks to a cautious daycare), I finally had time and space to deal with the fact that I am very tired of living off of drive thru…which is code for “I don’t feel like I have time to cook.” A casual observer would never know this, but I own about 10 cookbooks, and a million years ago, I cooked all the time…my big, elaborate, use every pot, meals were on the weekends, but I cooked nearly every day…

Because I feel pressed for time from the moment I leave work until the moment the boys go to bed, I don’t feel like there’s time to cook…big cop out, I know…and I haven’t had the mental energy or space to deal with it until now…

The plan? The crockpot…yeah, I hear the big “Duh!” from everyone…I have one cookbook that is filled with nothing but crockpot recipes…and I know there are a ton of recipes online…cooking is the only place I’m still “old school.” Give me an actual cookbook, please…with pages to turn…and food stains on old recipes…

I keep trying to convince my mom of the idea that clearing your mind of one issue frees you for new ideas, plans, and goals…I really want her to retire from her current job…she works for a great big box retail company, but after about 26 years, no woman in her 50s should have to work 12 hour days when she’d rather spend that time with her family…she’s fortunate enough to have a fairly secure future in retirement because she’s been smart for the past 20 years…

But her fear is of not knowing what to do next…I keep telling her that once she doesn’t have to worry about waking up at 3 in the morning, working 12 hour days on her feet, dealing with cranky customers, blah blah blah, she’ll have room to figure out what to do next…knowing her, she’ll be working until she’s 80…but I firmly believe she deserves to do something that allows her to live the life she wants…after all these years, she deserves it…

Clear your mind, and you never know what will fill the space…

A Taste of Freedom

I don’t consider myself a materialistic person…sure, I like nice things…but I don’t value things over people…and yet, a nice and reliable vehicle is something I would kill to have…

For one amazing weekend, I have the opportunity to drive a decent car…Bubba is such a crappy vehicle that I can barely trust it to get me to work and the boys to daycare and school…so when I needed to get the boys to my mom’s this weekend, my only good choice was to rent a vehicle…thank goodness for the $9.99 special from Enterprise…

It’s a Mazda 3…it’s not the top of the line, it doesn’t even have power locks…you know what? Who cares about power locks when there are so many other things to need…like good gas mileage…and good brakes…and the ability to turn the steering wheel without pulling a muscle…and the lack of fear about the newest noise that sounds bad…

And there are the intangibles…feeling good about driving it…not feeling like I could tip over if I turn too sharp…not being afraid of slick roads…feeling pride in driving something nice…

I’ve gained a reputation for being an extremely cautious driver…you would be too if you felt unsafe in your car…and if you had to constantly worry about gas mileage…I learned a long time ago that if I slow down to 60 in a 65, I could save a ton of gas…I know some people feel safer in big vehicles…not me…give me a small car…please…

I had forgotten about my love of driving…in all these months (years if I count the last couple with my beloved Grand Am), of worrying about the condition of whatever car I was driving or the gas mileage it gets, I forgot that I enjoy driving…

No one ever really understood that I didn’t mind the 45 minute drive to work…when I was still married, it was my time to think…it was my time to jam out to good music and unwind…once I became single, I had to worry about the time and distance from the boys…don’t get me wrong, I needed to move…but I miss the drive on the open road…

I love getting on the highway, blasting the radio, and driving a few hours to get to my mom’s or wherever…driving represents freedom to me…the freedom to come and go as I please…to get a destination in mind and just go…and this weekend I’ve gotten a little taste of that freedom…I’m thoroughly enjoying it…and dreading giving it up on Monday…and wishing I could buy something like it, and take one less thing off my pile…

I sort of have this mental list of stressors that have to be dealt with…I ended a bad marriage, check…I moved closer to work and out of a house with bad ju-ju, check…reliable, gas-friendly car that lets me come and go as I please and that I’m proud to claim, notsomuch…additional income so I don’t feel like I’m choking everyday, no lightbulb moments yet…

But this weekend, I get my freedom back…I just hope I can handle letting it go again on Monday…

Some Hard Truths

I guess I’m due for this…probably overdue…Today, for whatever reason, I finally had to face some hard truths about myself…

The move didn’t fix everything: I moved in a month ago, and for the past month, I felt like new life had been breathed into me…like nothing could really bother me…like I had finally moved on…I was wrong…

I’m driving Bubba again…and I hate it…and for the first time in a month, I feel like I did before I moved…defeated, beaten down, hopeless…I had forgotten those feelings…or maybe I just ignored them…Bubba is the biggest reminder of The Ex and his ability to hurt me…or my ability to let him hurt me…

My life will never be “normal”: My relationship with The Ex for 12 years wasn’t typical, why did I ever think I could have a typical divorce? He barely worked while we were together…he didn’t contribute in our marriage…I made all decisions…I took care of everything…why did I think that in divorce he would change? The only difference now is that I don’t run his life or make decisions…but he still isn’t contributing – time or money…I realized today that he has never contributed financially to our children…he was a stay-at-home dad (I use that term loosely, because the parents who have that job work VERY hard…he didn’t), so he never actually had to worry about the money it costs to raise children…and he still doesn’t…

As I explained to my mom today, I’m in “like” with someone…who lives hours away…who has his own busy life…who has his own worries…so the first real man that can handle my insanity comes into my world, and I can’t even go on a freaking date with him like a normal person…

The Ex can still push every button I have, and I let him: WTF? I don’t love him…I don’t like him…I have almost no respect for him…how is he still able to get under my skin? Why do I allow him to push those buttons? And when will I be brave enough to let him try to make good on his threats to just disappear from our lives?

Am I really forcing him to show up and participate for the boys or is it something else? Am I so selfish that I want him to spend time with the boys just as much for me as for them and I’m afraid to lose those few free moments?

I’m facing a possible return to those months when he barely came around and I never got a break…and it scares the crap out of me…what does that say about me? It leads to me to the last hard truth I have to accept…

I am not maternal: I love my boys…would kill and die for them…I am desperate for them to grow up to be better than The Ex…and me…but the more time I spend with them, the more frustrated I become…

I have nothing but admiration for people who say they adore spending time with their children…who can’t wait to be with them…who plan fun activities and vacations…but when I come across those people, I feel like I’m missing something…like I’m listening to someone speak a foreign language…

I’m not creative…and I don’t have extra income for the extracurricular activities that keep most kids busy…so when the weekend comes around, I don’t always know what to do with them…I’m done with the park after about 30 minutes…I don’t want to go to places where toys are sold (whiny children aren’t fun for anyone)…I lack whatever it is that other parents possess that allow them to keep their children occupied on the weekends…money isn’t always necessary, I know…that isn’t my gripe…other than feeding, clothing, disciplining, and loving my boys, I have no clue what to do with them so that all of us keep from going crazy…

I’m sure I have several more truths to face in the future, but these are the ones that hit me like a truck today…

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