Category Archives: Thinking

A New Chapter

I’ve been mulling over an idea for the past few days…and I’m still mulling…but I need to leap…I need to follow a dream…and be willing to work my ass off for it…

Every once in a while, I wonder in amazement at the changes I’ve gone through and the experiences I’ve had in the past 16 months, since February 13, 2011…I was becoming a different person in 2010 – the person I’d been before could never have left her husband…2011 was a year of turmoil, challenges, and changes…I’m halfway through 2012, and sometimes it doesn’t feel real…

I have only myself to depend on to get from day to day – and strangely, I’m ok with that…yes, I get lonely…yes, I get emotional…and yes, it can derail me from time to time…but overall, on the whole, I’m a strong woman…I’m raising two little boys – and they’re ok…I’m not warping them…they’re happy…they’re healthy…and that’s partly because of me…

I started this blog more than a year ago because I was overwhelmed by own feelings and emotions…I needed a way to sort through it all…I needed an outlet where I could let out my emotions…and believe me, there has been some word vomit – hell, I have an entire category titled “Word Vomit.”   This blog was my salvation…

Right now, I don’t need it for the same reasons I once did…I actually enjoy talking about the weird and funny crap the boys do more than I need to talk about how I’m feeling…not that I don’t sometimes need to work through something in my head – and this is still the best place for me to do that…

But what if my experiences could help someone else?  Make them realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel?  Let them know that whatever dark period they’re facing in life doesn’t last forever? I’m not the type to give advice to people I don’t know…I think that’s extremely presumptuous…advice to the people I know and love?  Well, that’s different – I know them, so clearly I know what’s best for them…ha!

My idea is two-fold…

I’m considering changing the direction of my blog…focusing less on myself and more on the boys and crazy crap they do…I know my life doesn’t revolve around motherhood and parenting…and eventually, I’ll be in some sort of relationship that will have it’s own brand of crazy that should probably be written about…but that would need the permission of the other person…and hell, if that ever happens, I could always change direction again, right?  But by and large, my life revolves around trying to be a single parent, provide for my children, and keep my sense of humor – all with little boys who are naturally funny…if I do change things up a little, it will be a while…I’ve got to figure out how to switch gears…so it may be a slow process…or hell, I may shock the crap out of myself and it won’t be hard to do at all…

And here’s the other part of my idea…I think I want to take parts of this blog and turn it into a book…in a perfect world, someone would walk up to me tomorrow and offer me a job where all I do is write for a living…but since that’s not going to happen, I guess I need to make my own opportunities in this life…and if some of what I’ve been through, experienced, discovered, and learned could help someone, why not?

I have no clue how long the process will take…I have no clue whether anyone than my mom and my YY will ever read the damn thing…but if I want to be a writer, the only way to start is to write…I don’t know how long it will take – 6 months, a year, longer?  I don’t know if I’ll ever make any money doing it…

But I do know one thing…when you start moving down the right path in life, doors seem to open up and opportunities appear to pop up out of no where…and nothing has seemed more right in a long time…and I need a new chapter in my life…

Rougher Than Most

Father’s Day hasn’t been my favorite day for 10 years…10 years without my dad.  The first one was the hardest…the first one after my mom met The Step wasn’t easy for me…but after I had the boys, it became less painful because I focused on The Ex instead.  Last year, I thought more about my own dad than I did anything else – probably because The Ex was still around for Aidan and Sean (sort of)…

This year has been rougher than most…

Aidan made a Father’s Day card for The Ex that said: “You’re the best dad ever.”  And I wanted to cry – for multiple reasons.  First because this beautiful little boy still thinks his dad is the best one ever…and second because he doesn’t know it’s supposed to be better than this…he doesn’t know that dads are supposed to see their children more than once every couple of weeks…he doesn’t know that dads are supposed to make an effort to be a part of their children’s lives…he doesn’t know what he’s missing…

I’m not such a cold-hearted bitch that I would ever tell Aidan he’s wrong about his dad.  I purposefully don’t say a single negative thing about The Ex to either of the boys…and they adore their absentee father.  Good for them…I suppose.  He’s a lucky man, and he has no fucking clue.  He has the love of the two most beautiful boys on the planet…they don’t care that he’s broke…they don’t care that his living conditions are unusual – Aidan is dying to see where his dad lives…all they care about is him and being able to spend time with him.

Today, because it was the right thing to do (and only for that reason), I took the boys to see their dad…it was only an hour and a half – and yes, I would give him more time if he wanted it…but they were ecstatic…time with their dad is a precious thing…

I’m not a fool – I took that moment to do something without the boys…I went to the grocery store…it was the best $50 I’ve spent in a long time because I was able to focus on the task at hand…it was wonderfully luxurious…and I was fine…until I got to the car and realized it was time to go get the boys…and I started thinking…

I thought about my own dad and how much I miss him…especially when life is hard…I know if he were alive, he’d give me rough, no-nonsense advice that would sound (to the untrained ear) more like yelling…but I would pay attention and consider what he said…I don’t begrudge my mother one moment of happiness with The Step – but it doesn’t make me stop wishing Daddy was still alive…knowing what I know now, I’d rather be the child of a divorce and have both my parents than this

I thought about The Ex and how much of an idiot he is…I know that he loves the boys…and I think he shies away to keep from hurting…it must hurt to be away and be under the strain he’s experiencing…I get that…but to me, his are the actions of a coward…everybody hurts…everybody gets scared and stressed…we all know I’ve gone through those emotions a million times…but I haven’t walked away from my responsibilities…I haven’t walked away from the people I love because it’s somehow “easier!”

I thought about the boys and how I want so much better for them…I now understand what it is to look at a man and assess him – not on his looks, his clothes, his car…but on his ability as a partner, as a parent, as a provider…it’s a strange thing…it makes the whole process a lot more clinical that’s for sure…thankfully, I still have a little mojo in me, so it’s not completely sterile and clinical…ha!  It also makes me very picky…so far, in my limited experience, I’ve only come across one man who fits the bill…and we’re in a holding pattern…and I’m learning patience…

Overall, the only thing that matters is that the boys had a good time today…all they know is that they saw their dad and they had fun…and in the end, that’s probably all that really matters on a day like today…

To all the real men in this world who love, nurture, and provide for your children in whatever way you can, I say, Happy Father’s Day.

Walls All Around Me

I’m a person with walls…not sure how long I’ve been that way…probably my whole life…

Originally my walls were designed to keep people at a distance – because I trust no one…I think I even kept some of those walls up while I was married…sad but true…

Only one person has actually walked right through my walls, like they weren’t even there…and at the time, he acknowledged them, knew they were there, told me to drop them…with This Man, I made a conscious decision to take a chance and let him in…but he was already halfway through by the time I decided to let him in…funny how that works…

I have different walls now…it’s not about trust anymore – even though I still don’t trust people, as a general rule…they’re more of a shield now…

I’m tired of hurting or worrying or stressing…in an act of self-preservation, I slam up a wall between me and whatever is causing me pain…

What I realized today is once the wall is in place, it’s really hard to feel anything…and when the negative feelings manage to worm their way through a crack in my wall, it hurts worse than before…so basically all my stupid walls are doing is numbing me to a reality I just don’t want to deal with…

I know it’s not healthy…but I’m so tired of wanting what I can’t have…I’m tired of worrying all the time…I’m tired of hurting…at least this way I can function a little…

10 Years Ago

If I was still married, today would be my 10th wedding anniversary…

And I don’t know how I feel about that…I feel something, because I’ve thought about this day for the past couple of weeks.  Several of my friends on Facebook have celebrated their 10 year anniversaries in the past couple of months…and it only made me think of my own lost 10 year anniversary…

Please do not think in any way that I wish I was still married to The Ex…oh hell no!

It does make me think of what was supposed to be, what might have been, and what’s still to come…

I had jokingly demanded requested that our 10 year anniversary be the year I finally got a diamond ring – a big one…we had said that on our 10 year anniversary we would take a cruise (I would loooooove to go on a cruise)…we had said so many things…but like a lot of our marriage, it was all talk…it was never going to happen…and somehow that makes me a little sad…

I’m not sad that it’s not going to happen with The Ex…but that I never realized it wasn’t going to happen at all…that I fooled myself into believing that I could will him to do something I wanted…that if I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen – come hell or high water…

So what’s to come?  Who the hell knows?

I hope that I get married again one day…I hope I’m smarter about it…I hope that it’s different and that when I hit the 10 year mark, there are no disappointments…I’m filled with hope about my future…and a little sadness about my past…

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

I’m in Washington DC this week for work – and I adore it.  The fact that I’m in DC, the fact that it’s for work (I have an amazing job, y’all), and the fact that it’s a kid-free week.  Yeah, I admit it – I don’t miss them yet.

I do have a great job.  I work in a cool industry.  I see an amazing amount of potential for me right where I’m at right now – and there are things I would love to do and accomplish and become…and yet…

I feel like I’m on the precipice of something…like the entire world is laid out before me, and whatever I can dream up, I can make happen…I can do anything…I can be anything…and the question becomes “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  Everything I’ve done since college was happenstance…I knew someone who loved my work ethic and could get me a job after college…I got tired of that (because I hated it) and found something else…I got laid off from that (budget cuts…the only reason I’ve ever lost a job was because of budget cuts) and found my current employer…none of my career decisions were strategic…none were entered into with fully-planned thoughts for the future…

And I want to change that…I want to work towards something…I want to build something for myself…I want to be in charge of my own destiny…Big Brother told me the other night that I have the ability to work hard for whatever I want in life…true that, Big Brother!  But what I need, according to him, is an ideas person…and I hate to admit it, but he’s right.

Before, it was a problem of not enough ideas…now, I have too many ideas…I want to do this…I want to do that…I could be this…I could be that…and how the hell do I pick?  Which one is the right one?

Here’s my perfect-world circumstances: I’d work for myself…I’d get paid to write…I’d stay in the world of social media, blogging, and whatever else is invented in the next five minutes…are the things I’m good at marketable skills? Would someone pay me to do what I do on their behalf?  I don’t know…but I have to figure out a way to find out…

But first, I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up…

Wishing and Worrying

I’m a wisher…and I’m a worrier…which means that I often worry that the things I wish would happen, won’t…seriously…

I often wish my life was different…that I had more money…that I had a new car…that I could do more for Aidan and Sean…that I could do more, be more, have more…that I could be with my family, This Man, BFF…

Then I worry…about how to earn more money…what I’ll do if I have car problems…how I’ll deal with whatever the boys need next…that I’ll never be more than I am right now…that I’ll never have more with This Man than I do right now…that I’ll always be alone…

Exhausted yet? Yeah, me too…

But I think I’m moving past some of that…I don’t know if I’m growing up…I don’t know if I’m beginning to accept my life as it is…I don’t know if it’s a change I’m going through…

I don’t longingly wish for things I don’t have…I don’t worry that I can’t handle the next stressor that comes along…

I know that things happen in life when they’re supposed to happen…I know that I can handle just about anything life throws at me…I know that worrying about things that might never happen is a waste of time and energy…I know that hard work, perserverance, imagination, honesty, heart, and love will get me a lot further down this path I’m on than wishing and worrying ever will…

Hard Choices

I had a hard realization last night…for the first time in my life, I believe there is going to come a day when I have to make a choice between my career and my family…

I see a day, in the near future, when I’m going to be past ready to go back to Mississippi…I miss my mom…I miss BFF…I miss This Man…I miss having a life…the boys need more than just me to influence them – they do so well with my mom and The Step…they barely even know BFF…

I love my job…I found my passion when I got this job…no, that’s not accurate…I knew within 6 months of working for the company that they needed someone who does what I can do…and I decided if they ever got around to creating the position, I would fight like hell for it…and 2 years later, that’s exactly what I did…I fought hard for my current position…and I have fought like hell to be taken seriously and to be damned good at what I do…

But I’m not confident that I’ll find what I do in Mississippi…I don’t have a degree to back me up (yet – but I got plans), although I am a college graduate…I don’t know anyone who does what I do (they’re there, I just don’t know them)…and I don’t think I can stay in my current industry…

I have to face the reality that I may have to decide what’s more important to me…my professional life or my personal life…and this may sound crazy, but it’s a hard decision…since I was 19, it was imperative that I work…there was no downtime, there were no breaks…and I did whatever work I could find – y’all, I was a telemarketer for six months…

I could have had a career in retail management, but under bad leadership and after getting taken for granted for a long time, I took the first opportunity I could to get out…but I took a paycut to do it…a year after that, I was with my current company (and took another paycut)…but this is where I’ve finally had the opportunity to do what I love…the thought of giving it up after working hard to get here is painful…

But the thought of remaining alone and isolated is unbearable…

After a week completely alone, I knew where I wanted to be…I knew what I wanted and needed…but how do I give up what I love for what I need – and the people I love?

Don’t Make Me Do Trimwork

I finally figured out something about myself that I’ve known instinctively, but have never been able to verbalize, and it’s in the form of an analogy…or is it metaphor? Crap, and I’m supposed to know this stuff…

Anyway, back in the day, when it was time to do a home improvement project, I always chose something big – paint the whole room, change all the flooring, whatever. When it came time to do the work, I was the one who wanted to take the roller and paint all the walls…I have no problem spending a few hours with primer and two coats of paint, busting my ass to get it done, sweating all over the place. Because when I’m done, I can step back and see progress, a big difference, a definite change…

But God, please don’t make me do the trimwork…please don’t make me deal with all the tiny details…I will procrastinate for days before I’ll work on it…and only if I feel obligated to do so…(Side note: for whatever reason, none of this applies to how I am at work…I pride myself on being a details person in the office, meticulous even – strange but true…).

So what has this revelation got to do with anything?

I had kind of a lightbulb moment today…baby steps are required for the changes I want to make…baby steps are the small little details…there is no giant paintbrush to take to my life, to make a sweeping change, so that it’s clear something is happening…

I am such a naturally impatient person that dealing with the small steps, the small details, required to make changes never seems like enough…which means I never even get started…which means I miss opportunities…there are so many things I want to do, have, be…and I’ve got to start doing what it takes to get there…

I know, intellectually, that if I do something small everyday that moves me in the direction I want to go, I will get there…I know that when I get there, I’ll look back and think that it didn’t really take that long…I know this…but God, I hate trimwork.

Subtle Shifts

It could be a lack of sugar…it could be a hormonal shift…or it could be what it seems…but I feel myself changing, shifting…

Big Brother has told me several times that I’ve changed over the past year or more…This Man said he sees a difference from just a few months ago…my mom was noncommittal when I asked her…

Change is like growth for little kids or weight loss for the not-so-little…you and the people who spend a lot of time with you don’t see it as easily as the people who are around less frequently…it usually requires a mental comparison of then (then being 6 months, a year, whatever) and now to see it for yourself…

I know without a doubt that I’ve changed…could I tell you how? Probably not…not in specific terms…but I know that the woman who declared her independence on February 13, 2011 is completely different from who I am today…

But right now, in this moment, I feel myself shifting, changing…it’s amorphous, shapeless, weightless, but it’s there….I can feel it…it’s in the way my shoulders straighten a little more and my head cocks to the side when I hear Katy Perry or Kelly Clarkson on the radio…it’s in the way a simple drive across town makes me feel free…it’s in the way I let Aidan go on his first sleepover without overthinking the hell out of…it’s in the way that I can look at The Ex without feeling anything – no anger, no aggravation – just because he’s there…all bets are off when he does something stupid that affects the boys…

The shift is sort of like water rising…slow, almost imperceptible…but over time, it becomes very clear that the water has risen…the same is true now…the changes, the shifts have been subtle…but when all of the changes come together, its a clear difference…

I don’t if what I’m feeling is the start of something new or the culmination of something ongoing…but I feel more confident…I feel more authoritative…I feel like I have more perceived control over my own world…I feel like a woman instead of a scared girl…

I have clear memories of wondering who put me in charge several months ago…now, I know that no one put me in charge…I took charge…and I don’t need permission to be who I am…

You will like me…or not.

You will love me…or not.

I will still be who I am (and continue to figure out who I am) with no outside approval needed…I will find joy in my life because it’s there, no matter how stressful life is…I will feel free because I am…I will crack a joke, make a face, and laugh obnoxiously in the face of craziness…of course, I will also assess the situation and come up with a plan and two back-up plans in the face of craziness because some things never change…

Ok, so maybe the shift isn’t as subtle as I thought…

My Heart Is In Mississippi

I have felt off since Monday…

At first I thought it was from leaving This Man – which I really hate…I hate it when he leaves me more, though…there’s a certain amount of perceived control when you’re the one driving away (at least in my mind)…

Then for half a second I thought I really was missing the boys…except the peace and quiet have been freaking awesome…I haven’t changed my routine too much because I don’t want to get used to something I can’t maintain…but to come and go as I please is a luxury I’d forgotten about…

And this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks…my whole heart is in Mississippi…

My mom is in Mississippi…

My BFF is in Mississippi…

This Man is in Mississippi…

And now my boys are in Mississippi…

Don’t get me wrong…I have good friends here with me – Mom #2 and Big Brother come to mind immediately…except we all have our own separate lives…we aren’t interwoven into the fabric of each other’s lives the way I am with Mama, BFF, and This Man…they are my family…technically, I could show up at 2am and they’d still love me (if they woke up enough to let me inside)…I could call anyone of them in the middle of the night for help (but only if I had no other option – I don’t call myself independent for nothin’)…

I didn’t notice it before because the boys are always with me, so I always have family around me…family that is totally dependent on me, runs me ragged, makes me crazy, and need to be raised, but at least it’s family…without them here, I have no one with me…and I don’t like it…I’ve never felt so isolated before  – this is soul-crushing.  I now know that if I didn’t have the boys, I’d do nothing but work…it’s all I have…

The Step and my mom told me I should move back to Mississippi months ago…and I fought them…because I needed to prove to myself, the world, The Ex, and anyone else that I could do it on my own…that I didn’t need constant support and help.  And I’ve done it…experiment attempted and theory proven: Michaela can function and raise two children with limited support and help.

And what I learned is that yeah, I can do it – but it sucks.  And I don’t want to be alone anymore…and I don’t want to do it all anymore…and today, I learned that my whole heart is in Mississippi…and without it, the pain is unbearable…

 

%d bloggers like this: