Category Archives: Word Vomit

Some Hard Truths

I guess I’m due for this…probably overdue…Today, for whatever reason, I finally had to face some hard truths about myself…

The move didn’t fix everything: I moved in a month ago, and for the past month, I felt like new life had been breathed into me…like nothing could really bother me…like I had finally moved on…I was wrong…

I’m driving Bubba again…and I hate it…and for the first time in a month, I feel like I did before I moved…defeated, beaten down, hopeless…I had forgotten those feelings…or maybe I just ignored them…Bubba is the biggest reminder of The Ex and his ability to hurt me…or my ability to let him hurt me…

My life will never be “normal”: My relationship with The Ex for 12 years wasn’t typical, why did I ever think I could have a typical divorce? He barely worked while we were together…he didn’t contribute in our marriage…I made all decisions…I took care of everything…why did I think that in divorce he would change? The only difference now is that I don’t run his life or make decisions…but he still isn’t contributing – time or money…I realized today that he has never contributed financially to our children…he was a stay-at-home dad (I use that term loosely, because the parents who have that job work VERY hard…he didn’t), so he never actually had to worry about the money it costs to raise children…and he still doesn’t…

As I explained to my mom today, I’m in “like” with someone…who lives hours away…who has his own busy life…who has his own worries…so the first real man that can handle my insanity comes into my world, and I can’t even go on a freaking date with him like a normal person…

The Ex can still push every button I have, and I let him: WTF? I don’t love him…I don’t like him…I have almost no respect for him…how is he still able to get under my skin? Why do I allow him to push those buttons? And when will I be brave enough to let him try to make good on his threats to just disappear from our lives?

Am I really forcing him to show up and participate for the boys or is it something else? Am I so selfish that I want him to spend time with the boys just as much for me as for them and I’m afraid to lose those few free moments?

I’m facing a possible return to those months when he barely came around and I never got a break…and it scares the crap out of me…what does that say about me? It leads to me to the last hard truth I have to accept…

I am not maternal: I love my boys…would kill and die for them…I am desperate for them to grow up to be better than The Ex…and me…but the more time I spend with them, the more frustrated I become…

I have nothing but admiration for people who say they adore spending time with their children…who can’t wait to be with them…who plan fun activities and vacations…but when I come across those people, I feel like I’m missing something…like I’m listening to someone speak a foreign language…

I’m not creative…and I don’t have extra income for the extracurricular activities that keep most kids busy…so when the weekend comes around, I don’t always know what to do with them…I’m done with the park after about 30 minutes…I don’t want to go to places where toys are sold (whiny children aren’t fun for anyone)…I lack whatever it is that other parents possess that allow them to keep their children occupied on the weekends…money isn’t always necessary, I know…that isn’t my gripe…other than feeding, clothing, disciplining, and loving my boys, I have no clue what to do with them so that all of us keep from going crazy…

I’m sure I have several more truths to face in the future, but these are the ones that hit me like a truck today…

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Be Careful What You Wish For…

…because you might get exactly that.

Ok, I guess I’m due for a little word vomit or something (considering I just cleaned up real vomit, that seems appropriate).  I’ve been fine…I’ve been good…life has been stressful, but whose life isn’t?  I’m not unique or special in what I’m going through…I’m not the only person going through a divorce…I’m not the only woman out there trying to raise children with no help from the other parent…

If I compared my life to someone who’s having real problems, I’d probably feel small and petty…but damn it today seems harder than others…and this is my space so no apologies for the whining that is about the follow…

When I was contemplating the divorce from Almost Ex, the thing I wanted overwhelmingly was to be alone…I realize I’m a mother and so I will never be alone in the truest sense…but I had spent 12 years taking care of an overgrown child and had felt like I was doing it on my own anyway…I just wanted to be by myself (ok, sort of)…and damn if I didn’t get my wish…

I’m alone in the good, the bad, and the ugly…and I know I blogged a couple of weeks about being okay with it, and for the most part, I really am…I’m not overwhelmingly lonely…I can be by myself and be content…today just isn’t one of those days. Hell, I was alone for lunch today and it sucked…really?! (in my Michaela voice, as EB would say)…that’s a moment where you better suck it up and deal…it’s a MEAL for crying out loud?!  I can’t even count the amount of meals I will eat alone in my lifetime…one missed lunchdate is NOT the end of the world!!

Deciding that I can no longer take care of the family dog – that was a shitty decision to have to make on my own (especially knowing how Aidan will react once I tell him what’s going to happen)…not knowing what to do about Bubba (that’s my crappy vehicle for those who don’t know) since I can’t run the AC without the damn thing overheating (and the heat index has been about 110 or higher)…cleaning up Aidan’s vomit after he puked in his sleep (all I could think was what if he hadn’t been laying on his side?!)…it’s all normal stuff…none of this is huge…ok the dog thing might be…I am a grown woman…I have handled much bigger things than this…but today just isn’t the day…

And so my advice to whoever pays attention is to be careful what you damn well wish for…I don’t want to be with Almost Ex…that marriage died so many years ago it isn’t even funny…I think our only purpose for being together was to bring Aidan and Sean into the world…and they really can bring me back from a pretty crappy mood…but if I had known what I was asking for, I would have dreaded the alone part of this process instead of wishing for it…maybe then I could have mentally prepared myself for crappy days…

I feel like a whiner and a complainer…and I hate that feeling…life really isn’t bad…I’m making some big plans to improve our lives…and getting help and encouragement from family and friends…and I’m 4 weeks into the wait for this whole thing to be finalized…so, technically only 2 more weeks of waiting…it’s funny (ok not really funny) – sometimes, on days like this, I wish I had someone to turn to…but I know I have people to turn to, I just don’t because I think I lean on them too much…so, apparently, I just can’t be satisfied…

Something’s Got To Give…

I’ve been grumpy most of the day…not the whole day – free sweet tea from McAlister’s definitely perked me up…but I’ve been irritable, moody, and GRUMPY for the majority of the day…

I jumped on the treadmill thinking it would get me out of my funk…45 minutes later I felt no better…I actually felt worse because I’d spent the whole time thinking about why I could possibly be so freaking irritable…and I figured it out…

I’m tired…tired’s not even the right word…I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that accurately describes how I feel right now…there is no reprieve….work provides no relief from home, home provides no relief from work…something more is constantly being requested by someone (whether they’re 6 or 36)…

Something’s got to give…I don’t think I’m capable of adding one more thing, making one more thing happen, pulling one more miracle out of my butt for someone…but there’s nothing to give…

I’m a mom…no matter how tired, how exhausted, how whatever, that doesn’t change…and I don’t want it to change…I adore my boys.  I just wish their father was more of a factor…1 or 2 afternoons a week for a couple of hours does NOT bring relief…I just fill up those hours with the things I couldn’t get done at another time…

I love my job…and I take a lot of pride in my work…I spent the first few years paying attention and learning as much as I could about where I work…and that knowledge is being used now when it’s needed most…but there is no reprieve on that end, either…everyday brings another priority…if everything is considered a priority, then NOTHING is a priority…

I want a distraction…a bright-shiny…something that’s not connected to motherhood or work…but that doesn’t take away from the precious little sleep I’m already getting…something that lets me forget for a few minutes that I’m overwhelmed and ready to drop…the treadmill should have been that tonight…but all it did was make me stop (sort of, I mean, it IS a treadmill) long enough to focus on what I didn’t want to think about…

And God, I hate to sound like I’m whining…I really have been in a great place for several days…and I’ve had some great moments…even today, Eebee was able to get me to laugh (as usual)…I’ve just been forced to admit to myself that I’m at the end of a rope…and I just need someone to hand me a little more so I can tie a knot in it and keep on going…

Maybe I need to figure out how to do that for myself…maybe that’s part of this process…maybe I just need to figure out how to be more self-reliant…I wish I knew the answer…

I Knew It Wouldn’t End Well

I usually listen to my instincts, my gut…but every once in a while, I decide to be more hopeful and give the benefit of the doubt…even when I know I shouldn’t..

I opened myself up to someone who I knew didn’t really want to be cordial, to be polite, to be decent (and no, it wasn’t Almost Ex)…I knew it, but I told myself that I was being too cynical and too untrusting…sometimes I hate it when I’m right…

Now I feel like I was hit by a truck…and that was the goal, I think.

I’m too tired to play tough…I’m too tired to see the bright side…

Tonight was supposed to be a night to blog about my boys who made me smile so much tonight…tonight was supposed to be a night when I went to bed and actually slept…

And now I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched…and I know I’m being vague, and I’m pretty sure the 2 or 3 people who actually read this are dying to know what happened, and I will probably get a message or call…but this isn’t about what caused me to be upset…it’s the fact that I allowed myself to enter the situation…that I knew the situation wasn’t going to end well…I actually said, “I wonder how this will bite me in the ass.” And I went down that road anyway…

And if you’ve ever been where I am right now, you know why I went down the road…and why it hurts so much that I was right about how it would end…even though I really wanted to be wrong…

Anxiety…Panic…Fear…

I don’t usually do this, but let me give a disclaimer: This is pure word vomit.  This is me freaking out.  If you would prefer to keep whatever image you have of me, don’t read this one.  This is not me at my best…And I consider this my forum to figure me out…which means I have to face the ugly side, the freak outs…I recognize that I choose to do this in the middle of a public blog…and I open myself up by doing this…but it’s me, and it’s real, and I do not ask for or seek approval or solutions…

Sadly, what started this was actually something very nice.  I had an entire hour to myself this afternoon – no children, no work, no dealing with Almost Ex, just me and the mile-long path around the park…I was in awe of the idea that I had 60 precious minutes.  I walked for 2 miles (can’t wait until I’m running again!), stretched, and actually thought to myself that it was so nice to feel clear-headed…

And then I started thinking…thinking about things I was trying to avoid thinking about…I felt fear creeping in…Big Brother-from-another-mother says that fear can take hold and make you act stupidly…I always try to keep this in mind…but I could feel panic setting in, I could feel the what-ifs flowing into my head like a river…

What do I do when the money runs out? What money?  Its gone…it hasn’t been there.  Almost Ex contributes nothing…it’s not like I can get a second job…that would require childcare, I can barely afford the childcare that I have now…this isn’t about cutting back…there’s nothing left to cut…what do I do?  How do I fix this?  I can’t borrow money because its just throwing money down a blackhole…and I hate the idea of owing anymore money than I already do…how do I fix this how do I fix this how do I fix this? This isn’t a temporary problem…

I had someone tell me (regarding a financial mistake they made that affected me) that I would just have to sacrifice a few luxuries until it was corrected…like what? Electricity or water?  You tell me because there ARE no luxuries…I’m freaking out.  I fix my problems.  I worked two jobs last year when I found myself in this spot…I don’t know how to fix this…

The vehicle that I’ve been stuck with in this process is acting funny, making strange noises, and was never my first pick as a mode of transportation…even when it belonged to Almost Ex…I’m a pretty cautious driver, and I’ve done a full 360 on a wet road in it…it scares me…but what can I do?  I can’t get it fixed (not right now), I can’t get a new(er) one (not right now), I can’t just leave it on the side of the road and let it finish rusting out (even though I would shed no tears over it)…it is what it is…how do I fix this?

Shaking, crying, driving home…with my boys in the backseat…I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…I tell myself there is light…I tell myself that I will get through this (and I will)…but none of my planning is working…I should be used to this by now…I’ve been here so many times over the years that it should feel normal…but I fooled myself into thinking this would be different…

And I can almost hear the voices of those who would remind me that I chose to get a divorce and pretty much asked for this…maybe I did…maybe I deserve every miserable feeling I have…I don’t know…I can’t answer that…I just know that I work towards goals and find solutions to problems…and I don’t know what to do now…

I even know (in the middle of the panic) that this feeling is temporary…I will sacrifice whatever I must in order to take care of my boys…I will meet my obligations because that’s what I do…I worked too hard to correct the mistakes of my college years to NOT meet my obligations now…but that doesn’t quiet the panicky voice in my head that keeps asking, “How do I fix this?”

But regardless of how I feel at this very moment, tomorrow morning, I will wake up, put my big-girl panties on, and keep moving forward…what other choice do I have?

Giving Myself A Good Talking-To…Somebody Has To Do It

For a brief moment tonight I thought, “I am so tired of looking on the freaking bright side all the time!”

That lasted about 2.3 seconds because I don’t EVER want to be sad-girl.  I don’t want to be the one who drags the whole room down just because I’ve entered it.  And I am fully aware that negative thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy…

So, while I was taking a shower and getting the wet dog smell off of me, I gave myself a good talking-to…

“Ok, dammit, yes, you’re tired and a little isolated right now.  You did choose to get a divorce, you know.  You could have stayed with him and never been alone…but you would still be miserable.  Is that what you want?  I didn’t think so!

Yes, the only adult you talk to on the weekends is your own mother and sometimes Almost Ex (which is never the highlight of your day).  No, you DON’T have a social life because putting the boys on a shelf just isn’t an option (people get arrested for things like that). 

But it WILL get better.  You know it will.  Everything worth having in life requires hard work.  This is hard work.  Your reward will come.  Eventually, Almost Ex will contribute in some way OR you’ll find (and be able to afford) a babysitter.  It will NOT be this way forever.  So quit bitching!

There are so many people who have it worse…and yes, that’s a scary thought.  Yes, that means that it could get worse before it gets better.  But if you think that’s what will happen, then it will.  Stop it!  Stay positive.

Big Brother tells you all the time how much potential you have.  Your mother certainly believes it.  The people who care about you are there for you and believe in you.  You just have to reach out. How do they know how to help unless you talk to them?

And yeah, go ahead and have a good cry when you need one.  It’s good for the soul.  Just follow it up with a big belly laugh.  You know  your laugh is huge (and obnoxious) – exploding out of nowhere when something strikes you as hilarious.  You need more laughter in your life. 

Instead of talking about what you need, go out there and grab it!  And by the way, STOP eating cheeseburgers everytime you have to go near Almost Ex!  It’s not good for you in SO many ways…”

Well, somebody had to do it, so I guess it’s a good thing it was me.  Anyone else would have gotten cussed out.  🙂

 

The Power Of A Good To-Do List

I’m tired, exhausted, weary, droopy, flagging (I looked up “tired” on thesaurus.com)…I’m at the end of my rope…I just want to lay down and sleep…I don’t have that luxury.

It’s so bad (and apparently, I look so bad) that the first thing people ask  me is, “Are you all right?”  And the answer is, “Of course, I am.”  And I am.  Some moments are harder than others, but I’m fine.  Sure, there are moments I’d like to give in to self-pity…last night, I did.  But for my own sanity, I can’t stay in that place…I have to shrug off the crap and move forward.

The worst part (this week) has been the feeling of paralysis…I have so much going on – professionally and personally – that its impossible to know where to start.  It took an enormous effort each day just to figure out what to tackle – and then get it done at my usual pace.  But I did it, and its taken a toll.  Now I’m on my 138th wind of the day…

Then I did something very simple…it’s so simple that I don’t understand why I didn’t do it on Monday…before I left the office today,  I made a to-do list for next week.  Ok, so it’s two full pages and it looks overwhelming.  But when I get into the office on Monday and I start getting things done, I can cross each task off the list…and ta-da, a sense of accomplishment is born. No more paralysis…

So tomorrow (not tonight because I can barely keep my eyes open), I’ll make a to-do list for the house.  And slowly (verrrry slowly), I will cross things off the list.  I won’t try to do it all in one day…but I will achieve a sense of accomplishment – which is MUCH better than feeling stuck in one place.

I’m a single mom with little-to-no help from Almost Ex, so there’s not much I can do about the tired thing…but I won’t let myself be overwhelmed to the point of paralysis anymore…it’s too draining…it’s too time-consuming…it’s not worth it.  I won’t give in to self-pity even though it would be easy to do…I will keep doing what’s hard (but right)…I will move forward, do the best I can for my boys and my career, and get to the other side of this period in my life…because I don’t want to imagine the alternative.

No Desire to Dance

And I don’t mean ballroom…

I love music…and, in the privacy of my own home where NO ONE can see me, if the music is good enough, I’ll get up and dance.  It’s a great workout, it relieves stress, it makes me feel more confident.  Silly, I know, but there it is.

I realized last night that even when I heard some of my absolute favorite songs I felt no urge to dance.  I sang along (which is even scarier than my dancing), but I couldn’t find the desire or the energy to get off the couch.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Is it a self-esteem thing?  Do I feel so silly doing it that I’ve embarassed myself?  Am I just tired? Is it D. All of the above?

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself recently.  I can’t figure out the catalyst but it’s been swift.  I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds in the past few months…I barely exercise…I stress-eat and my preferred food is a cheeseburger.  I’m doing everything I know NOT to do…I can feel my butt spreading, my face filling in, and my clothes fitting tighter…

I will NOT go back to being the fat chick, the sidekick, always the best friend – never the girlfriend…I. Will. NOT.

Everyday, I can feel myself becoming more introverted and unsure of myself…I liked feeling confident…I liked feeling attractive (who doesn’t, right?)…and I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. 

I guess the easy answer is that it’s the divorce, this is normal, blah blah blah…but I don’t accept that.  I’m not unhappy about the divorce.  I’m not even unhappy that Almost Ex has found a girlfriend…well, ok, I’m not excited, either. 

No matter what it is, I need to get over it and get my butt back in gear…

Mentally Emoting and Taking Control

If I had sat down to write this an hour or two ago, it would have been a completely different blog than the one that I think I’m about to write…a couple of hours ago, it would have been word vomit.  It would have been me emoting all over the place.  It would have been ugly.

I don’t feel better now than I did a while ago.  But I have a little perspective…I think.

Today was not my best day…not like Monday…I have had to admit to myself that I’m tired, burned out, and overwhelmed…and not just because of the divorce.

And then of course, to make it even better, I went shopping for a bathing suit during my lunch hour.  There is nothing more soul-sucking than staring at yourself in the horrible lighting of a fitting room while trying on a swimsuit.  Especially when you’ve gone soft, have no muscle tone, and your butt is starting to take the shape of your chair.  Grrrrrrreat.

How did I respond to sucking of my soul?  Why, I ate a cheeseburger of course! Emotional eating only makes me feel good for about 30 seconds.  It’s then followed by hours of guilt and remorse.

So what could possibly have happened that prevented the writing of more word vomit?  Aidan.

As I was getting all of my crap, Aidan’s crap, Sean’s crap, Aidan, and Sean out of the car today (this sometimes takes two trips), Aidan asked if he could help me.  I don’t get asked if I need help very often.  And the fact that Aidan asked, made it even better.  Of COURSE, you can help me…hold THIS.

Later, he made me smile by showing my his kung-fu dance (pronounced kahn-fu by Aidan).  And then he made me giggle (in my head) when he stated, “I can’t spell ‘kung,’ but I can spell ‘fu.’ F-U.” Sorry, but hearing him say F-U was HILARIOUS!

Now that I’ve had a chance to calm down and stop mentally emoting, I’ve realized that the overwhelming feelings of helplessness I keep experiencing have a lot to do with feeling like I’ve lost control of my life.  I feel like things are happening TO me instead of me making things happen for myself.

It’s time to take back control of my life.  Nothing happens over night.  And I don’t trust anything that’s handed to me.  I get where I want in life through hard work.  But if I’m working hard with no plan, I’m just spinning my wheels.  So now it’s time to come up with a plan…and follow it.

Bogged Down and Plowing Ahead

I just wrote a blog post that I will probably never publish.  It felt good but it goes against my rule in my very first post.

I vented in a way that I can’t vent to Almost Ex.  I probably could but it would just start an argument. I didn’t realize how angry I am about what’s been happening lately.

Frankly, I’m hurt and I’m lonely.  But I have no regrets about my decision to get divorced.  In fact, the past few weeks have solidified my feelings.

This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about tonight.  I was coasting along just fine today – not spectacular, but not stick-your-head-in-the-oven bad, either.

I’m getting bogged down in the minutia…when what I want to do is dream big.  My Big Brother-from-another-mother keeps encouraging me, and he’s right.  I do want better for my boys.  I want better for myself.  My dreams of travelling, having adventures (with and without my boys), and experiencing the world won’t ever come true if I don’t set some pretty high goals (and then go after them and achieve them).

But how do you accomplish the big things when the small things become all-encompassing?  I want to go back to school, I want to freelance, I want to do more…but when I get home, I can’t get past figuring out what’s for dinner.  Some nights it’s all I can do to get the boys bathed and tucked into bed.  As Big Brother recently said, I’m running on adrenaline, sugar, and caffeine.  At what point will I crack?

That’s my fear, I think…I fear cracking and not being able to put the pieces back together.  I don’t know how to just stop and relax.  Or put my worries to the side and focus on the big, bad goals and dreams.  I just put my head down and keep on plowing ahead. What do I do when that’s not enough?

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