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Me Time

What is that saying about the best laid plans? Yeah, I don’t know either, but sometimes it sucks being a planner…when the plan doesn’t happen…

I was supposed to go out of town on Saturday…but that didn’t happen…so then I held out hope for Sunday…nope, nada…thankfully, I’m not a person who enjoys being miserable, so I made the best of it…

I dropped the boys off with the sitter who will watch them while I’m out of town for work on Saturday…I tried to combine a personal trip with a professional trip and the only part of the plan that’s coming together is the professional trip…*sigh*….and knowing that my plans had been thrown into chaos, I still dropped them off with the sitter…I needed the “me time” desperately…

It took me a while to figure it out…when I got home Saturday morning, I cleaned my house, exercised, and then cleaned my car…until Mom #2 called and said to meet at her place at 1:30 p.m. for a surprise…a surprise that I was driving to because I have the “nice car”…it was worth the trip! A facial and a pedicure just because….holy shit! I’ve never had a facial and it’s been two months since my last pedicure (I was resigned to painting my own nails this week as all my money was spent on a babysitter.)…then we went to dinner and THEN to a movie…whoa…an actual girls day/night…huh? These really happen? People actually do this?? Guess so…

By Sunday, I had the hang of this whole relaxing thing…I had saved all my gift cards from my birthday thinking I would be spending some quality time out of town, shopping with someone…when that didn’t happen, I took myself shopping…four stores later, and I’d only spent $15 of my own money…not including the CUTEST hair cut…

 

See? How cute?! That one thing made my whole day…well, and the fact that I found a suit (that FITS) for $21…my first suit…I feel like a big kid…and yes, I’m taking it on my trip this week…

I ended Sunday night with a couple of glasses of wine, some dark chocolate, burning candles, and a good book…that’s how every single day should end, I think…well, I can think of a couple other ways, but if I have to be alone, that’s how my day should always end…

Today, well, today, I slept…I didn’t get out of the bed until 10am…only to shower and go scrounge for food…I took myself to lunch…came home…finished my book…and took a nap…and even though it’s not quite 7pm right now, I could go back to sleep…but I want to finish my wine and start a book, so no sleep yet…

I’m not used to being by myself…I’m not used to just doing what I want to do…but I like it…and, be surprised, I actually miss the boys a little…which means by the end of this week, I’ll miss them a lot…that’s a nice change of events…I should have more me time, I guess…

Too Much Down Time

I’ve been begging for down time (mentally begging) for ages now…I’ve wished for it…I’ve coveted it…I’ve dreamed about it…until I got it…and what I never saw coming was that I don’t do well with too much time on my hands and not enough to do…

I guess it goes back to being able to live in my head a lot of the time…with too much time to myself, I naturally drift back there…and I was unprepared for how it hit me today…

I’m still not good with the whole alone thing…pretty sad for someone who purposely chooses not to have a large group of friends…I really didn’t feel like running around today…I wanted to be by myself…but I think it was the worst thing I could have done…a quiet, dark house with nothing to do (other than 2 loads of laundry and a load of dishes), and I was in a low mood all day…just ask BBFF, he’ll tell you I was no picnic…

It’s probably not healthy, but I think I need to keep myself busy…I need to have something to focus on…I need to keep my mind busy and working towards something…

So that’s what I’m looking for…the next thing to keep myself occupied, busy…

On the bright side, I actually enjoyed some time with the boys tonight and am looking forward to the weekend with them (ask me on Sunday if I still feel this way, though)…I’ve had a much needed break from them, and it’s brought back a little of my patience…Aidan and I had a tickle war tonight…normally I hate to be tickled…Sean was so sleepy, he let me cuddle with him, which was sweet and something I’ve missed lately…

So today I learned that I’m not good with too much down time…hopefully I’ll fill it up in a less insane way then the way it’s been filled in the last year or so…

Today, It Was All About Me

Since I’m unpacked, the house is clean, and I’m on vacation, I decided at least one day this week was going to be all about me…today was it.

I had a relatively decent conversation with The Ex today…on my very peaceful balcony…ahhh, bliss…well, the balcony, not the conversation…

I went to lunch with Mom #2 – I owed her from this weekend…she helped unpack the moving van on Saturday and she helped wrangle two small children during Trunk or Treat at her church on Sunday…

And then, I lost my mind a little…first it was the mani/pedi with navy blue polish (I really think in another life, I’d be some sort of rocker chick…)…then it was the stroll through Bath & Body Works for a new “flavor” as I like to call it (black amethyst for anyone curious)…and then it was the tattoo.

Yes, you read that right…I got a new tattoo…back in June, I said I wanted one…I thought I would get it after the divorce was finalized and it never worked out…it feels right that I was able to do it now when I’m at a fresh start in life…I’d rather the significance be attached to that instead of a crazy divorce…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you ask, it’s a scorpion…because I am Scorpio…in almost every single solitary sense…No, really, read this…except the bad stuff…ok, so even the bad stuff – but I have self-control, so I don’t let that side of myself out…

The whole day was a little strange for me…because other than lunch, I was by myself all day…and I was comfortable with it…I made random chit-chat with the guy who did the mani/pedi…and learned that having someone blow on my toes is a cool feeling…yeah, I know TMI, but I didn’t know that about myself until today…and before you sickos get all weird, he did it to dry some stuff he put on my feet…Geez!

I walked around the downtown area of Fort Walton Beach and loved it…I need to go back and try the cupcake place…mmmm, cupcakes…I looked out over the water – until the homeless man made a pass at me…then I quickly left…

I meandered through my day completely alone and in my own thoughts, doing my own thing…even when I got my tattoo…I had a couple of offers from people who were willing to be with me – but I would have had to wait…and I didn’t want to wait…today was a good day for it…and going in there by myself, sitting through the “discomfort” (oh hell, it’s pain, NOT discomfort) was me somehow proving something to myself…

I’m glad today (the first in a long, long, long, long, looooooooooooooong time) was about me…tomorrow, can be about someone else…

Be Careful What You Wish For…

…because you might get exactly that.

Ok, I guess I’m due for a little word vomit or something (considering I just cleaned up real vomit, that seems appropriate).  I’ve been fine…I’ve been good…life has been stressful, but whose life isn’t?  I’m not unique or special in what I’m going through…I’m not the only person going through a divorce…I’m not the only woman out there trying to raise children with no help from the other parent…

If I compared my life to someone who’s having real problems, I’d probably feel small and petty…but damn it today seems harder than others…and this is my space so no apologies for the whining that is about the follow…

When I was contemplating the divorce from Almost Ex, the thing I wanted overwhelmingly was to be alone…I realize I’m a mother and so I will never be alone in the truest sense…but I had spent 12 years taking care of an overgrown child and had felt like I was doing it on my own anyway…I just wanted to be by myself (ok, sort of)…and damn if I didn’t get my wish…

I’m alone in the good, the bad, and the ugly…and I know I blogged a couple of weeks about being okay with it, and for the most part, I really am…I’m not overwhelmingly lonely…I can be by myself and be content…today just isn’t one of those days. Hell, I was alone for lunch today and it sucked…really?! (in my Michaela voice, as EB would say)…that’s a moment where you better suck it up and deal…it’s a MEAL for crying out loud?!  I can’t even count the amount of meals I will eat alone in my lifetime…one missed lunchdate is NOT the end of the world!!

Deciding that I can no longer take care of the family dog – that was a shitty decision to have to make on my own (especially knowing how Aidan will react once I tell him what’s going to happen)…not knowing what to do about Bubba (that’s my crappy vehicle for those who don’t know) since I can’t run the AC without the damn thing overheating (and the heat index has been about 110 or higher)…cleaning up Aidan’s vomit after he puked in his sleep (all I could think was what if he hadn’t been laying on his side?!)…it’s all normal stuff…none of this is huge…ok the dog thing might be…I am a grown woman…I have handled much bigger things than this…but today just isn’t the day…

And so my advice to whoever pays attention is to be careful what you damn well wish for…I don’t want to be with Almost Ex…that marriage died so many years ago it isn’t even funny…I think our only purpose for being together was to bring Aidan and Sean into the world…and they really can bring me back from a pretty crappy mood…but if I had known what I was asking for, I would have dreaded the alone part of this process instead of wishing for it…maybe then I could have mentally prepared myself for crappy days…

I feel like a whiner and a complainer…and I hate that feeling…life really isn’t bad…I’m making some big plans to improve our lives…and getting help and encouragement from family and friends…and I’m 4 weeks into the wait for this whole thing to be finalized…so, technically only 2 more weeks of waiting…it’s funny (ok not really funny) – sometimes, on days like this, I wish I had someone to turn to…but I know I have people to turn to, I just don’t because I think I lean on them too much…so, apparently, I just can’t be satisfied…

Different States of “Alone”

I had no intention of blogging tonight…nothing much to say, feeling relatively peaceful for once…and then regular old life intervened…

Almost Ex was 30 minutes late dropping the boys off this afternoon…right before I went into the panic-mode of thinking they were dead on the side of the road, I realized that I was alone and I was okay with it…and then I started thinking about the different states of “alone-ness.” But it was my children who brought it all home for me…

Sean’s in a phase of asking “A dat?” (translation, “What’s that?”) and he has appliques on the walls of his room that he’s curious about.  One is a large elephant followed by a baby elephant.  Sean pointed to the large elephant and said, “Daddy” and when he pointed to the little elephant, I said, “Baby.”  Aidan said, “The elephant over here that’s alone is the mommy.”  Um, ok…so they’re figuring out that mommies are sometimes alone…

The kicker, the absolute kicker was when he started singing: “Mommy in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…” Really, dude, you couldn’t at least pair me up with someone, even a pretend someone?

I started thinking about the different states or phases of being alone and how they’ve made me feel:

Why Am I So Alone (aka Will I Be Alone Forever)?: This is when the weight of being alone becomes unbearable.  It can include a feeling of heaviness, being weighed down with emotion…usually accompanied with tears, reliving old memories of better times, worries about the future, and sleepless nights.

Thank God I’m Alone!: I have been left alone for the first time in a long time, and there is finally quiet – this involves children,  family, whoever finally leaving me the hell alone (which is probably what I asked for right before they left)…usually accompanied by feelings of relief, euphoria, and disbelief that I am indeed, FINALLY, alone.

Eh, I’m Alone (aka So What?):  Alone is not so bad, it’s actually sort of peaceful and comforting to be left alone with my thoughts.  I might think about the fact that I’m by myself, but then I shrug and return to what I had been thinking about…accompanied by nothing but silence, comfort, and peace.

Today, I noticed that I finally reached that last state…it doesn’t mean I won’t return to the others…but I was alone, completely and utterly alone, and there was no sorrow or joy…there was simply peace.

Are there any other states that I’ve left out?

I’m A Mess

I don’t mean an emotional mess…I’m purposely not dealing with any of that…but I’m a disorganized, unproductive mess – at home.  I had myself fooled otherwise until family came to town…

The main purpose of the visit was to celebrate Aidan’s birthday (which is in a few days)…but the secondary reason was to help me get a few things done.  There are some things I just can’t do – I don’t have a clue about plumbing or electrical stuff…and I’m grateful for any and all help I can get when it comes to those things.  But there are some things that I feel I should do myself because it’s my responsibility…yardwork, cleaning, you know, the basics

I didn’t realize just how low-energy (read: lazy) I’ve been until they came in and just started working.  And I felt ashamed…why hadn’t I done some of these things already?  It’s not like I can’t see they need to be done…it’s not like I’m completely unaware of my surroundings…

I can pull myself out of the emotional stuff (at least temporarily)…but I don’t know how to make myself less of a mess…I don’t want to be shamed into doing what’s necessary (even though they had no intention of doing that so any negative feelings I have are all on me…)…and I don’t know how to accept help or even ask for it. And I don’t really want to ask for help because that would mean admitting that I can’t handle this on my own…but I have no choice but to handle it on my own (for the most part)…

I know part of my issue is that right now I’m working so hard at work that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do much more than what’s absolutely necessary…but I know people who don’t let that kind of thing stop them…so why can’t I be more like that?  I can rest when the work’s done, right?

I don’t exactly have a social calendar, so what am I waiting for?  Why am I make excuses?  Why aren’t I just doing what needs to get done and working my ass off to show that I am capable of handling it?  Why am I such a mess right now?

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