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10 Years Ago

If I was still married, today would be my 10th wedding anniversary…

And I don’t know how I feel about that…I feel something, because I’ve thought about this day for the past couple of weeks.  Several of my friends on Facebook have celebrated their 10 year anniversaries in the past couple of months…and it only made me think of my own lost 10 year anniversary…

Please do not think in any way that I wish I was still married to The Ex…oh hell no!

It does make me think of what was supposed to be, what might have been, and what’s still to come…

I had jokingly demanded requested that our 10 year anniversary be the year I finally got a diamond ring – a big one…we had said that on our 10 year anniversary we would take a cruise (I would loooooove to go on a cruise)…we had said so many things…but like a lot of our marriage, it was all talk…it was never going to happen…and somehow that makes me a little sad…

I’m not sad that it’s not going to happen with The Ex…but that I never realized it wasn’t going to happen at all…that I fooled myself into believing that I could will him to do something I wanted…that if I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen – come hell or high water…

So what’s to come?  Who the hell knows?

I hope that I get married again one day…I hope I’m smarter about it…I hope that it’s different and that when I hit the 10 year mark, there are no disappointments…I’m filled with hope about my future…and a little sadness about my past…

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Perspective Needed and Found

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary…

I didn’t know how I would feel, especially since I wasn’t exactly devastated when I filed for divorce.  But I was completely unprepared for how it affected me today.  I didn’t miss him, I wasn’t sad…but I was definitely….off.

I remembered to brush my teeth, but I forgot to floss.  I remembered to put my make-up on, but I forgot to do my hair.  I remembered to put on my jewelry, but I forgot to put on my watch.  I forgot to comb Sean’s hair!  Thank God I remembered to put on clothes!!

And then I was (metaphorically) sucker-punched.  Social media can be an amazing thing – it connects us, it shows us our commonalities.  But it can also be used to hurt and I often forget that – because I don’t live my life that way. 

I have made mistakes in the past…some people think they understand or have knowledge – they don’t.  But to throw my own mistakes back in my face as a way to hurt me…that I don’t get.  And it made an “off” day much, much worse…which was probably their goal.

Have you ever had something small happen to you, but it feels like the whole world MUST know about it because it’s so huge to you?  Yeah, me too. 

I constantly put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best I can be in everything I do – professionally and personally.  And when I slip, it hits me on a deep level – it’s difficult for me to recover because I’m so hard on myself.  So, I set out to prove myself (to myself)…I put my head down, I work harder than ever before…I don’t ever want to be defined by my mistakes.  And so, while I’m piling on the work, I’m piling on the pressure.

All that is to say that by mid-afternoon, as the pressure mounted, I hit a breaking point.  Thankfully my Brother-from-another-mother stepped in and calmed me down.  He reminded me that I am bigger and better than the pettiness of people who only want to cause pain and uncertainty.  He reminded me that hard work pays off. 

If that encouragement wasn’t enough, by the end of the day, my sweet boy Aidan brought it all home. 

“Oh man…you’re a REAL mom…and you’re very special.”  What do you say to that?! Other than thank you, of course…

He heard me talking to my mom tonight as I reminded her that today is my wedding anniversary. 

Aidan looked at me with deep concern and said, “But Mommy, you need someone to love!” I immediately reminded him that I have several people to love including him, Sean, and his grandmother. “But Mommy, I want a stepdad…so I can give him a hug.” Ok, so if my heart didn’t already hurt enough, that was the kicker.

Needless to say, he got a lot of extra hugs tonight…and I’ve gotten my perspective back.

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