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So How Do I Feel?

Hell, I still don’t know.

This morning, while I was driving to work, I started to smile for no reason…I was thinking about officially being single, and I couldn’t help it…a little smile just appeared…

Immediately followed by every fear and insecurity I possess.  Man, that’s a downer. So I just put it out of my head.

It’s a surreal feeling to be married and in the next instant to NOT be married…and nothing has actually changed.  Maybe once I get my name legally changed, I’ll feel like things are different.

I’m realistic about some stuff (read: cynical) – I am a single woman with two children…that’s not exactly a high selling point.  While I have lost a lot of weight over the past few years, and look the best I’ve ever looked in my adult life, I still have the body of a woman who has given birth to those two children…so no swimsuit model over here.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, looks aren’t important, blah blah blah…

Looks aren’t important, but first impressions are everything.

So no, I still don’t know how I feel…I don’t know when I’ll celebrate…I don’t even know when I’ll get my next tattoo (which was supposed to happen once the divorce was finalized)…but it’s all good.  I won’t be sick forever, and maybe once the crud goes away, I can focus on this a little more…because I wouldn’t want to waste an opportunity to overanalyze the situation!

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I Might Be A Romantic…Or Maybe Not

I’ve never considered myself a romantic.  I think I’m a realist.  I’ve been called a cynic and a pessimist.

I think…a lot…about a lot of stuff.  I think about the past.  I think about the present.  And (being the planner that I am) I think about the future…a lot.  When I’m thinking about the future, it’s with the complete understanding that whatever I plan for is probably NOT what will occur.  But planning puts me at ease, even if I never use the plan, even if I have to come up with a new plan on the spot, even if the plan fails and I have to try again…regardless of all that, just knowing I have a plan makes me feel better.  Therefore, I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s on the horizon.

That, however, does NOT apply to why I think I’m a romantic. I have no interest in a relationship right now (hell, I am still married).  I know that the best thing for me is to figure me out and make sure to have a little fun along the way while enjoying my relative independence.   But when I’m lost in my head, and even when I’m not, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not spend the rest of my life alone…I will not be the cat lady.  Whoever it is that I’m supposed to be with into my golden years is out there…I feel silly for even admitting it because I’m so freaking practical most of the time.  And let me say again, I am NOT looking for that person right now…

That being said, I’m not sure how I’ll get to that point…I’m intimidated by attractive people (because I don’t consider myself attractive)…and I’m naturally shy.  Bad combination, if you ask me.  So, when I meet someone new, my defense mechanisms are front and forward – I’m a sarcastic smack-talker…it’s almost a test, I guess…if you choose to get past the shield or if you’re just naturally good at giving as good as you get, then I’m less intimidated and very intrigued…every once in a while, I meet someone I just connect with, and none of the above applies…

But, I also don’t go looking for that kind of thing…I believe things that are meant to be will happen when the time is right.  No need to force anything…and I prefer to have real friends over temporary romances…

Let me go back to something I just said, because I can hear my mom and friends now…I don’t think I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever.  Not because I have low self-esteem…I’m extremely confident in myself, but I don’t pin my confidence on my looks.  I know how to accentuate the good about myself and downplay the things I don’t like…I am not ugly (at least in my opinion)…but I am never going to win a beauty contest…and that’s ok.  I’m not sure why every woman laments her looks privately but can’t say it publicly without being accused of having low self esteem.

I think very highly of myself…I just place value on different things – I’m intelligent, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, funny (most of the time), strong, stubborn, you name it.  Hell, I lost a ton of weight, became a runner, gained muscle, and am on track to do it all again – that’s not something the whole world can claim.  That being said, when I’m around someone who is “classically” good-looking, I become aware of my lack of beauty…so I tend to avoid those people…or, like I said before, become a sarcastic smack-talker…

So I guess, maybe I’m not a romantic and I’m too practical for my own good…but I still have hope and confidence in the future…and whatever it may bring…

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