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I Don’t Like To Go To Bed

I didn’t like going to bed as a kid because I was pretty convinced I was missing something.  That and I had such an early bedtime that in the summer, it was still daylight at bedtime! Are you kidding me?!

I didn’t like going to bed when I was pregnant with both boys because it was too hard to get comfortable…I’m a stomach-sleeper and at a certain point in pregnancy, it’s like sleeping on a basketball…

I don’t like it now for completely different reasons.  I try to go to bed at a decent time because I know I need sleep to function during my crazy busy days at work…and my crazy busy nights at home.  But I usually don’t go to bed until late…and then I don’t sleep.

Even though I am exhausted at the end of the day, I don’t sleep at night…at least not immediately.  I think and think and think…it’s the only time of day when the negative thoughts, the loneliness, the fear, all of it, creep in…and I’m up, thinking, until finally my eyes just can’t stay open.  Because I want to avoid all of the crap, I tend to stay up – doing nothing.  The TV is on – I’m not watching it…Facebook is up – I’m not talking to anyone (for various reasons, I’m sure)…my book is open – I’m not reading it.

I hate the sadness (even though I know I have to go through this in order to move forward)…I hate the fear…I hate the loneliness…ok, so I’m not unusual in any of that…who likes feeling that way?  I hate it more that it appears at a time when I am least able to battle it…during the day, I’m way too busy to worry about stupid stuff…during the weekend, when my children are running me ragged, it’s definitely not a priority…but the one time of day I have to relax, and there it is…the stuff I’d like to pretend isn’t lurking under the surface…

The smartass part of me is tempted to say, “Yeah, there will definitely be a day that I won’t mind going to bed.” Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.  In my mind, that feels very false…I don’t even have the energy to let my smartass side win…because I know when I lay (lie?) down tonight, the cycle will start all over again…

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