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My Blog Is One Year Old

I woke up this morning thinking about this post…hell, I was thinking about it when I went to bed last night…sad but true…

The one year anniversary of a blog seems like a big deal to me…Just over 200 posts, nearly 5000 views, and 66 subscribers later, I’m still amazed that people read the stuff that lives in my head…especially since I’m not passing out advice about life, love, or children…what blows me away even more is that there are people who go to their browser, type in the url for my blog, and read my thoughts – on purpose…?! And damn I wish I knew who it is…or maybe I’d rather not know…hmmmm…

I started this blog because I had so much in my head that I couldn’t seem to get out…I thought I was going to explode…I’ve always done better when I talk it all out…for whatever crazy reason, I thought, “Hey, let’s do it in a completely public forum!”

But, I’ve digressed (as usual)…this morning I thought I knew the direction of this post…and then real life intervened…Sean is sick…we spent three hours in immediate care…because this mother of the year still hasn’t found the boys a new pediatrician since we moved six months ago…his eyes were oozing, his nose was oozing, he was slobbery, and he was a little furnace – who promptly fell asleep in my arms…

I felt people glancing at us…feeling sorry for one or both of us, I think (probably the adorable baby in my arms)…the image I presented feels stereotypical, I think…single, harried, stressed out mom with sick child, all alone, no help, blah blah blah…and I thought about how I would have reacted a year ago to a day like today…

I think it would have made me sad…I’m sure I would have stressed out about Sean being sick, me missing work, taking care of a sick child and a hyper, healthy child – you name it…

A lot can change in a year…

No need to feel sorry for myself…I know I can handle days like this – I do it all the time…

Sometimes I don’t think I’ve changed…only that I’ve learned how to fake it…or that I’ve come to accept my life instead of railing against it…so I guess it’s a question better answered by the people who’ve read my crazy thoughts…especially for the people (brave souls that you are) who have read from the beginning…

Am I different? Have I changed in the past year?

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Feeling Overly Emotional

The past few days have been insane…in some really great ways and in some really crappy ways…

I worked hard all week and ended Friday with a bang…it’s gratifying to have what I do appreciated…I ended an extremely long work-day with something I never do…I just chilled out with people not my children…in the arm-twisting process that Cool Chick went through to get me to agree, I ended up admitting to people that my life is mostly work and home…I don’t like to talk about that outside of family because it’s depressing…and although I have a very public blog, I really am a private person (yes, I get the irony of that, too)…

I spent way too much time around The Ex this week…waaaaaaaaay too much time…Thursday night we fought, because I finally decided to lay it all out for him about the boys…he immediately became defensive and we argued…Friday night he was way too emotional for my taste…he says he misses me, loves me, blah blah blah…what he misses is the life he had…

He even had the audacity to blame me for his lack of relationship with the boys…because I’m the one who wanted a divorce…are you kidding me, dude? Really?!

I came very close to considering turning my blog into an anonymous blog and not allowing anyone who knows me to read it – or at least not to know it’s me…I’m not going to because I’m not ashamed of anything I say here and I don’t really have anything in this blog that I wouldn’t want someone to read…but I would prefer that before anyone forms an opinion about my blog that they actually read the damn thing first…

All of this has me on the cusp of some emotional breakdown…I’m not there, but I can feel it simmering beneath the surface…one more thing, and I’ll crack…I really don’t want to crack…

Nothing To See Here…First Video

Ok, so I’ve recorded my first video “blog”…there’s really nothing to see, but if you would like a good laugh at how uncomfortable I am in front of the webcam, take a look…hopefully this gets easier the more you do it…

I have no clue how often I’ll record myself…I can’t imagine it taking the place of actually writing – I just enjoy it too much to stop.  But it’s another form of communicating with whoever cares to hear what I have to say…

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