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I Am Doing it ALL Wrong

I’ve been single, divorced, whatever, since August 8…and I have yet to take a single moment and reflect, laugh, celebrate – pick something but I haven’t done it.  No one has celebrated with me…my entire family was in town for the weekend, and it was only discussed briefly. My friends are too busy or too far away.  And it’s still illegal to put your children on shelf so you can go out at night…

But I’m doing this wrong.  So I can’t run off the New Orleans (yet) with Eebee for the big celebration.  Ok.  So I can’t buy myself a cake (or even a cupcake) because I’m trying not to eat that stuff right now. Ok. So my life didn’t actually change all that much (except for the name thing). Ok. None of that is relevant.

I have to mark this occasion with something…as sad as a divorce can be (it is the death of a marriage), it’s also a new, completely unwritten chapter in my life.  I am a single woman…for the first time in my adult life.  This is new territory…this is a blank slate…this is me deciding that I will NOT be the cat lady (note to self: do not buy a cat…EVER.).

I have come to a decision…Saturday night I will sit in my house and do SOMETHING to commemorate this new beginning.  I don’t care if it’s me, a bottle of white zinfandel, and noise makers, but I will mark the occasion.  It will probably be me, the wine, and a noisemaker…but it’s all good.  What I’ve learned (and am still learning) through this whole process is that you have to create your own moments, your own happiness, your own memories…you can’t depend on the world to take care of those things for you…if you do, you’ll be sitting around waiting on nothing. 

If you want to celebrate with me, even if you’re half-way across the world, have a drink with me Saturday night – wine, kool-aid, or whatever.  Even if it’s virtual, the moment should be shared.  I am on my way…there will be bumps, bruises, sad times, stressful times, and everything else, but it’s life on my terms and it deserves a good start.

 

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It’s Official

My plan for today’s blog was to whine about how sick I am and how miserable I felt all day (when I wasn’t sleeping) and blah blah blah. One trip to the mailbox changed all of that.  Almost 6 months to the day I told Almost Ex (now The Ex) that I wanted a divorce, it’s final…it’s official…it’s real.

It’s anticlimactic at best.  The heavens didn’t part…lightning didn’t strike…there was no ticker tape parade with fireworks.  It’s just another day.  I find it hilarious that it’s on a day when I’m the sickest I’ve been in ages.

Of course, the calls and text messages went out to those who are closest to the situation.  And they are very happy for me.  When I talked to The Ex tonight, he sounded more excited than I am…excited isn’t the word to describe me.  Satisfied, relieved…those are good words. Nothing really changes for me right now.  Except it’s time to start the fun process of changing my name on everything.

Just like with everything else, I’m not 100% sure how I’m supposed to feel.  I know my big fear is that I will end up a cat lady.  Everyone assures me I won’t, but I know I’m not the easiest person to love, so I think it’s a possibility that I should consider.  And although I worry about being The Cat Lady, I’m certainly not worried about a committed relationship right now.  Since The Ex told me he’s in love with his new girlfriend, I’m a little cynical about relationships, as you can imagine.

I’m not woe-is-me…but I’m not ready to run out and celebrate…I think that’s because I’m so damn sick right now.  I’ve never in my life felt my glands to know if they were swollen…oh, they’re swollen and they hurt to the touch! I was worried that by sleeping 8 hours today, I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight…that’s not going to be a problem at all.

So tomorrow may be different, and I may be ready for that divorce cake.  Mmmm, cake.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends…

If this morning was any indication, today should have been a crappy, crappy day…it wasn’t, by the way. 

Sean’s daycare was late opening up today…an hour late…I dropped Aidan off first, Sean dumped the rest of his breakfast all over his lap, I cleaned everything up, and decided to get breakfast for myself and apple juice for Sean at Sonic.  The system was down and they could only take cash, which I almost never carry…I went to another Sonic (because I REALLY like Sonic first thing in the morning), got breakfast, and then spilled Sean’s apple juice all over me…dammit…dropped Sean off (finally) and made it to work 30 minutes late…I really, REALLY hate being late…that doesn’t sound so bad in retrospect, but if this had happened last week,  I would probably have been in tears from pure frustration…

The difference?  I’m rested, rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready to go.  It wasn’t a full weekend off, but it was something.  I knew I needed it, I’ve needed it for weeks now, but I didn’t know how much good a little rest could do for me…Work was a breeze…I checked things off my VERY necessary to-do list, felt like I accomplished something, and left work without feeling harried…every day should feel like that!

But the most important thing (and it’s something I need everyone’s help with) was a conversation I had with Big Brother and Mom #2…I was explaining to Big Brother that my divorce could be final by mid-August – 6 months from start to finish…and he asked me how I was going to celebrate…

I don’t know if I can “celebrate” my divorce because that doesn’t feel right to me…I don’t want to take joy in Almost Ex’s pain…so I’m trying to reframe it in my mind…I’ll celebrate a new beginning in my life (it sounds much better)…Big Brother was not impressed when I said I was planning on getting a new tattoo…I’m not getting it because I’m getting a divorce…I like tattoos, and even I can save $50 in the next 6-8 weeks…

Mom #2 and Big Brother presented an idea (that I rejected out-of-hand at first) that I should plan a trip after the divorce is final…that I should travel on my own somewhere…my first reaction was, “Hell no!” But that’s my typical reaction…I’m always nervous about trying new things…but then I started to think about it, and I started getting excited at the idea of taking a trip (even a small one)…

So here’s where I need the help of friends, acquaintances, random readers of this blog (all three of you)…I don’t want anyone to tell me where to go, but I definitely want to hear your ideas.  I’ve not been to a lot of places so I’m pretty open…would it be cool to know someone when I get there? Sure…is it necessary? Not really…and I’m willing to fly or drive…And I can already hear my mother’s concern, so let me say that no, I wouldn’t drive my crappy SUV (nicknamed Bubba), I would rent a car…and if I fly, it would probably be Vision Airlines because they’re cheap…and yes, Mama, I would get a CLEAN hotel in a safe part of town…

I don’t usually ask for this, but I want people who read this to comment with ideas…either here or on my Facebook page…the sooner I decide where to go, the sooner I can start figuring out how to make it work…Help me out, so I can celebrate my new beginning in an unforgettable way!

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