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Passion, Love, and Changing Priorities

I love what I do for a living…I tend to feel silly admitting that because it’s not something people say much…I’m not just grateful to be employed (even though I’m damn grateful for that)…I don’t just like my co-workers…it’s not just a good organization (and it is definitely that)…I genuinely love what I do…

I never understood what finding your passion meant until March 2010…on paper I’m called a Communications Director…technically it means I do public relations, marketing, advertising, blah blah blah…in actuality it means I talk for a living…I am constantly finding new ways to communicate information so people will pay attention, take action, care about what I’m telling them…and I. Love. It.

And while there are both good and bad days in any job, everyday I am disgustingly happy to have the job that I do, and I am constantly looking for ways to improve and do more…ok, so saying all of that really does have a purpose…

In the past year or so, maybe a little longer, I have thought a lot about volunteering, giving back to my community…my concerns are always the time issue…do I have time to go somewhere and do something, especially with extremely limited access to after hours childcare? I also shy away from things that require a lot of interaction with crowds…I am capable of doing things that require that, but only once I’m comfortable and feel knowledgeable…but it’s been on my mind a lot…

I need to do something that makes me focus on something other than me…it’s easy for me to forget that there are people out in the world who have it so much worse than I do…selfishly, I also want to do more of what I love, because I love it, because it can make a difference, irrespective of pay…

I walked right into an amazing opportunity today…while sitting through a presentation about the local Guardian Ad Litem program, a two minute PSA video had me close to tears…I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know (hell, I barely cry in front of people I do know…)…but the idea of working with children, even for a worthy cause, didn’t excite me…so, during a momentary break, I asked something that may change my life forever…I asked about other opportunities to help…I described what I do for a living, my passion for it…

Have you ever seen a priceless opportunity right in front of you and known you can’t let it pass by, no matter what, no matter how scary? Yeah, me too…the response I received to my inquiry was that they may have the perfect thing for me…Chair of Public Relations for two counties…working with a Vice President for the non-profit…wait, what? Ummm, are you sure??

Part of me thinks they aren’t really serious, that someone with more experience than I have will step up and do the job “right.” Part of me thinks I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will have been a dream…but every fiber of my being hopes that this is really real, that I can do something, even in a small way, that helps this organization meet their ultimate goal – helping children.

Doing what I love, what I’m passionate about, for someone other than myself, to make a difference in the world, to be a part of something bigger…yeah, I think I can handle that…

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The Will To Change

Everyone probably needs to change something in their lives…I’d love to meet the person who doesn’t need to…I already know plenty who don’t think they need to change…

I can name several things that I’d like to change…my ability to procrastinate on the things I don’t want to deal with…my inability to save any amount of money, even if it’s just $1 a month (I promise that’s about all I can do some months)…my (new) inability to focus on my own health for more than about 5 minutes – it’s new because I spent 3 years losing weight with nothing more than focus, determination, and hard work…

I think I know what I need to get back on track…I need to rest and rejuvenate…I mean, actually rest…get a real break from work and kids…but I live in the real world…not everyone gets the luxury of taking time away from their lives to refocus, so I’m no different from anyone else…so what do I do?

I have to find the will to make the changes necessary to move forward in a more positive way…I need to remember that the quicker I get through the dreaded stuff, the quicker it’s over…and often no where near as bad as I fear it will be…I have to be willing to not run through drive thru and spend $5 when I don’t really have that money to spend and it’s unhealthy…but it feels like a sacrifice…

I recognize the falseness of that thinking…not having the “luxury” of spending a few dollars on crappy food sounds silly…but it’s a mindset I have fallen in to and I don’t know how to change it…I remember growing up broke and being told no, a lot…I remember getting easy credit in college, feeling like I had money, spending it, paying it all off, and then spending it again – ruined my credit for a few years…I remember being pregnant with Aidan and making about $8 an hour (with no income from The Ex)…

I’m not any different from a lot of people…money is tight for most of the world…what I can’t get over is how not spending money (that I don’t have) is a sacrifice…and then I need to find a way to figure out how to be ok with the “sacrifice” if it means that I save a few dollars or I have breathing room, financially or I eat less crap, which is killing my health…

The first step is the will to change…the next step is the first small step of change…either way, for whatever reason, I’m stuck at that first step…which makes me wonder where my focus, determination, and ability to work hard have gone…why can’t I just strong arm my way through this until I make the necessary changes?

Maybe I’m Okay With Change…

I have said before that I don’t like change…and I still believe that – to a certain extent…except…I think what I really don’t like is just changes in my routine…

I’m working on moving closer to work – less commute, less wear and tear on whatever I happen to be driving today, less time away from the boys…all good things…I’m dealing with a 90lb dog that needs a better home than I can give (which I hate to admit)……changes in Aidan’s in school and Sean’s daycare…pretty massive changes…and yeah, I’m a little tense about all of it, but I’m more excited than anything…

I’m excited about picking out a place based on my own needs (and of course the needs of the boys) without compromising with anyone on what’s best…I’m excited about being closer to my friends and work…I’m even a little excited about creating a new routine…

Everything I do now is based on what I’ve done for the past several years…I get up at a certain time, get ready in a certain way, drive a specific route, come home and do very specific things all based on routines created in the last few years…And now (eventually), I’ll have the opportunity to create something that’s just about us…with little basis on the past…that’s a pretty intoxicating thought…it moves me a little closer to being truly independent, I think…

Whatever I (we) do in the future will be based on what I create with the changes in our lives…I can live with that.

Inertia

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to make me realize how much of an idiot I can be…I hate change…HATE IT…and yet, I managed to get a divorce…to demand a divorce and then make it happen.  Still, I really REALLY hate change…

I accomplished the divorce, and then thought I was done, I guess…there are so many other things I need to change in order to start living the life I want…but I’ve been resting on my laurels…I’ve been waiting for things to happen to me instead of just going out there, being ballsy (like I used to be) and doing what I need to do…

As I explained to a good friend, Music Man, I’m a peacekeeper…I avoid confrontation, I avoid the appearance of confrontation, I worry about confrontation even though usually there is no confrontation to worry about…so instead of just making a decision, sticking with it, fighting for it, and defending it, I’ve sat back and waited for change to happen to me, mostly in an effort to avoid confrontation…and the word used to describe my problem today was “inertia”…and yes, that was it exactly.

I’m done standing still…

I keep trying to make plans that will satisfy all parties involved…screw that.  I’m going to go with what works for Aidan, Sean, and myself…and that’s it…but I’m not going to follow every piece of advice I’m given, either…just because it works on paper or makes sense to you, doesn’t mean I’m following that path…

This whole thing – the divorce, the blog, my life – has been about figuring out my path and following it…I can’t let my fear of change, confrontation, and (most importantly) failure, stop me…all that does is create inertia…and I am DONE with that.

I don’t know how I’ll reach my goals…I don’t know what will happen tomorrow…but I know I’m moving forward…one foot in front of the other…on my terms.

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