Two posts in one day?! Crazy, right?
I’ve got stuff on my mind…gotta get it out, I guess…
I admitted to BBFF today that my mind has been unnervingly blank lately…I can’t handle the things that stress me out…because I don’t think I have any control over any of it…so I’ve just stopped thinking about it…
That probably sounds sort of healthy, but it doesn’t seem healthy…because instead of focusing on other things and thinking about other things, I’m literally (and I do mean LITERALLY) thinking about nothing…there aren’t even crickets in my head, it’s so quiet…
But I think I’ve taken a leap of faith (of sorts) that I’ll figure things out as they come up…instead of worrying and stressing about things I have no control over and can’t seem to do anything about, I’ll just try to make the best decision I possibly can when the issue comes up…that almost sounds like I’ve grown up a little…but I think it’s more that my brain and heart can NOT take anymore…it’s a self-preservation thing
Why is it so quiet in my head? If I refuse to let myself think about the things that bother me, stress me, scare me, and keep me up at night, why can’t I turn around and focus on something else, something positive? And I think I have the answer, and it’s sort of depressing…I don’t feel like I have any control over my life right now…I can’t do anything to fix the problems…or at least I feel like I can’t…so I feel hopeless…how do I plan for a better future if I can’t figure out the present?
If I can take a leap of faith that I can stop worrying, why can’t I take the leap that it’s ok to plan for the future?
When I figure out the answer to that question, maybe that’s when I can start to move forward again…
If I had sat down to write this an hour or two ago, it would have been a completely different blog than the one that I think I’m about to write…a couple of hours ago, it would have been word vomit. It would have been me emoting all over the place. It would have been ugly.
I don’t feel better now than I did a while ago. But I have a little perspective…I think.
Today was not my best day…not like Monday…I have had to admit to myself that I’m tired, burned out, and overwhelmed…and not just because of the divorce.
And then of course, to make it even better, I went shopping for a bathing suit during my lunch hour. There is nothing more soul-sucking than staring at yourself in the horrible lighting of a fitting room while trying on a swimsuit. Especially when you’ve gone soft, have no muscle tone, and your butt is starting to take the shape of your chair. Grrrrrrreat.
How did I respond to sucking of my soul? Why, I ate a cheeseburger of course! Emotional eating only makes me feel good for about 30 seconds. It’s then followed by hours of guilt and remorse.
So what could possibly have happened that prevented the writing of more word vomit? Aidan.
As I was getting all of my crap, Aidan’s crap, Sean’s crap, Aidan, and Sean out of the car today (this sometimes takes two trips), Aidan asked if he could help me. I don’t get asked if I need help very often. And the fact that Aidan asked, made it even better. Of COURSE, you can help me…hold THIS.
Later, he made me smile by showing my his kung-fu dance (pronounced kahn-fu by Aidan). And then he made me giggle (in my head) when he stated, “I can’t spell ‘kung,’ but I can spell ‘fu.’ F-U.” Sorry, but hearing him say F-U was HILARIOUS!
Now that I’ve had a chance to calm down and stop mentally emoting, I’ve realized that the overwhelming feelings of helplessness I keep experiencing have a lot to do with feeling like I’ve lost control of my life. I feel like things are happening TO me instead of me making things happen for myself.
It’s time to take back control of my life. Nothing happens over night. And I don’t trust anything that’s handed to me. I get where I want in life through hard work. But if I’m working hard with no plan, I’m just spinning my wheels. So now it’s time to come up with a plan…and follow it.