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A Year Later…

A year ago today (my birthday, by the way), I started a new phase of my divorced, single mom life…we moved – new town, new home, new school…I can’t help but look back on the past year and marvel at how I’ve changed…

I’m better at the mom thing…by no means perfect, but better…

I can’t imagine living with another adult anymore…I’m used to my own space…not that I want to be single for the rest of my life, but I’m so used to being alone and doing (for the most part) what I want to do that it will be a big adjustment if that ever changes…

I’m more comfortable in my own skin…and growing more comfortable every day…

I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me…I still stress (a little)…and I’m a natural worrier but I’ve become less anxious…I don’t fret about the what-ifs…if something bad or crazy is going to happen, I have little say over it (assuming I’ve made good choices all along)…but I know that I can ride the wave of craziness and come out fine on the other side – maybe a little bruised and sore, but I know what I’m capable of…I know I can handle shit…and I know it’s ok to cry my eyes out while I’m taking care of things…

A year later, I got this!

This Is My Life – And That’s OK

This whole no-thoughts-in-my-head thing is leading to some interesting revelations…now that everything is quiet in my head, I guess errant thoughts are able to get through…strange…

Tonight, after the boys went to bed, the plan was to workout, blog, watch a little TV, and possibly read…same plan I have almost every night…I’m content with that…if someone calls or texts or if something else grabs my attention away from my plan, I’m good with that, too…

A few months ago I would have been railing against a night like tonight, convinced that I should be doing something more, that somehow my life was incomplete because I wasn’t out doing something…that I was somehow letting life and opportunities slip by…

When I first started thinking about what life would be like as a single woman, I knew it would be harder…I knew I would be with the boys more often than not…even then I didn’t think that would be much different than it had been when The Ex was around…but I also had a vision of what I thought my non-kid weekends would be like…first, I thought I would have some weekends to myself, so there was my first mistake…but apparently I thought I was going to be a completely different person…

I envisioned going out with friends, clubbing, dancing, drinking, you name it…all the things I thought I had missed during my 20s…weekends with the girls, dates with men…two problems with that…one, life never turns out quite the way I think it should…and two, that’s not really me…

I like to go out, I like to have fun…but only with people I’m extremely comfortable with or someone I trust…that still isn’t bad, except the majority of the people in my life that I want to be around aren’t like that or they aren’t close by…so the reality is that I can’t have what I thought I wanted…at least not yet…

And dating? Are you freaking kidding me? Before I state the obvious about 24/7 kids and no money for childcare, the biggest issue is that I can’t imagine casually dating…I don’t trust people as a rule, and I’m a natural introvert…if someone doesn’t make me laugh a genuine laugh (read: not just a polite chuckle) in the first 10 minutes, I’m not interested…connections are important…and real connections are very rare…with my personal life being what it is, I’m just not interested in casual BS…

Last year, even a few weeks ago, that was part of what was “wrong” with my life…I knew what I wanted, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen…so I stressed out even more because it was yet another thing I wanted that I couldn’t have…but what I forgot is that my life has never run on the schedule I thought it should; I’m too impatient…everything always works out the way it should, when I look back on it…trying to push things to happen faster than they should has only ever lead to more stress and agony for me…

I’m not confident this new mindset is permanent, but right now, instead of worrying, stressing, and constantly thinking about what I want and don’t have, my plan is to accept life as it is right now, and take opportunities as they come…

I can’t keep spending every waking moment worried about what I want and don’t have or can’t do…it’s no way to live life…so until a different opportunity presents itself, I’ll keep working out, blogging, reading, and staying quiet – and do my best not to let anything pass by me…

That’s Just Creepy

Some things are just creepy…some things just give me chills – and not the good kind…a wiggly tooth, blood pouring from any wound anywhere, roadkill, vomit in my hair (that totally happened)… and strange men who troll Facebook looking to hook up…

Yeah, I said that…’cause, yeah, it happens…

I’ll go out on a limb and hypothesize that it happens oh, I don’t know, everywhere…just call me Captain Obvious…but there’s something inherently creepy about it happening on Facebook…and what’s got me really icked out is that I was receiving these hook up offers without even knowing it, and thanks to the latest Facebook upgrade I can now see other messages I couldn’t before…

Nearly everyone discussed my smile from my profile pic (because my privacy settings don’t let people see much else)…but I think my personal favorite was when I was compared to Lady Jane who usurped Anne Boleyn (sp?) for King Henry’s affection…wait, what?! And none of the messages indicate that any of these men can spell, understand grammar, or have the aptitude to spell words out in full…I am not impressed with a two-paragraph email that looks like a giant text message…

So while I am in no way interested in being propositioned by a stranger, especially through Facebook, I can at least respect a little actual effort…I wouldn’t respond, I would still feel a little icky, but there might be a kernel of respect for the (obviously) lonely man who lives in a basement somewhere that actually put in real effort…unless the Lady Jane thing was what a concerted effort looks like…in that case, no thanks…

Heaven help me if I ever become so lonely as to consider responding to a message that looks a little like this: “oh dear…i got trapped by ur elegant beauty…hope to read from u soon.” Really?! Please don’t hold your breath waiting on that one!

What’s In My Head, Desperate To Get Out?

Hell if I know…last night, as I was drifting off to sleep (after walking Aidan back to his bed for the SECOND time because I was sooooo serious that he needed to sleep in his own bed), I started mentally writing – something brilliant, I’m sure, but I don’t remember now…I’ve thought that my writing has been flat for the past several days…which is a big reason why I haven’t had much to say…

And I think I know why…because I’m not writing what’s in my head…I’m writing fluff…I’m not really about fluff…every once in a while, sure, but in this space, it’s not supposed to be about fluff…it’s supposed to be me figuring out life, figuring out myself…

So what’s in my head right now?

I’m worried about love and sex and romance (but not necessarily in that order)…and I don’t think I’m supposed to be worried about that yet because I’ve only been divorced three months…I think I’m supposed to be trying to go out and have fun and attempt to live the single life when I have appropriate childcare (it’s still illegal to leave your child on a shelf while you go out, I checked)…but that’s not me…it is if I’m with people I trust…it is if I’m comfortable with the group I’m with…but you’re not going to find me clubbing or bar-hopping for the most part…

And I refuse to do the online dating thing…I’ve heard horror stories…I have a blogging friend who’s got horror stories…for me to meet someone it has to be through work (which has happened and it’s fun when time allows) or through friends (which makes me nervous because the majority of my friends are my mother’s age…no one wants the person their mother prefers) or…

Or…BBFF…

I’m not sure if I believe in soul mates…The Ex billed himself as my soul mate, and I don’t think I ever completely bought that (and clearly we weren’t if how our relationship ended is any indication)…I’m not sure what I believe in when it comes to romance and love…and that in itself proves to be a problem…because BBFF and I have a strange connection that I don’t understand…we have an understanding about each other that I don’t understand…and that scares the hell out of me…

Am I being smart by saying that I need to live the life of a single woman for a while (even though I have no clue what that even means)? Am I being stupid by slowing down something that feels good and right? Am I over-thinking the whole thing and should just let it all play out, enjoying the moments as they come, and not worry about the future?

I don’t know…guess I need to figure that out…

Oh, and since I don’t have permission from BBFF to blog about BBFF, I’m not going into details…I might not respect my own privacy, but I will respect his and everyone else’s…so you just have to deal with the thoughts that roll around in my head…

Boys, Men, and Observations

So I’m new to the idea of being single (still not technically single, but you know what I mean)…and I’m a people-watcher, an observer…I’ve made some observations recently based on what I’ve seen for myself and the personal issues of some of my friends…and I’ve come to a conclusion that’s not meant to offend and certainly does not apply to every guy, but here’s what I’ve discovered – Some boys are dumb.

So first, a little side-note: in the past few weeks, I’ve made a decision about how I will handle this blog when it comes to my (currently non-existent and unimportant) love life – without express permission from whoever that person ends up being (a long, long, long time from now), I won’t blog about the specifics of that part of my life.  So just know, that what I’m about to say comes from what I’ve seen in general- some personally, some as an objective third-party…and remember, I’m a thinker…I can’t help but dissect some of what I see…

Don’t make us chase you.  My personal rule is that I’m not chasing anyone – and I don’t expect anyone to chase me.  A lot of what I see is in text – Facebook, text message, whatever.  If a chick initiates a few conversations with you, AND you’re interested in her – return the favor.  If she makes it obvious that she’s into you, just tell her or find a way to let her know.  Have you ever seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?”  Trying to figure out the signs makes chicks nuts.  Forget signs.  Just be straightforward…me personally, I love straightforward – even when it’s not what I want to hear.

Don’t word vomit all over us.  No, that’s not an out for not talking about how you feel.  But think about what you say before you say it.  Some things can’t be unsaid…some words can’t be forgotten, even if they’re forgiven.  I have too many friends who can remember every detail of the moment when their boy said something hurtful or stupid that he didn’t really mean. 

Don’t disappear on us or just stay away all together.  Again this goes back to text – text messages, Facebook, whatever.  If you talk to us one day, and then we don’t hear from you for three weeks, that’s confusing – especially if it becomes a pattern.   Here’s the pattern I keep seeing – random text message from boy, enthusiastic response from chick, silence…two weeks later, urgent message from boy, no answer from chick (who’s fed up), three phone calls and an angry text from boy, argument with chick…If you only make me an option, don’t expect me to make you a priority.

I haven’t paid attention to the world of guys and girls since I was 18 – back when I thought I knew everything, but actually knew NOTHING.  It’s amazing how a few years and a lot of life can give you perspective…I don’t think all men are really boys, but I do think the one’s who act like boys are dumb…I feel bad for my friends who go through crap with boys…I get annoyed when I feel myself getting sucked into crap with boys…

I can’t speak for other women, but here’s what I want – honesty and straightforwardness…the more real, weird, and uncomfortable the conversation, the better (to me).  If you think someone is a cool chick, tell her.  If you’re into her, tell her.  If she’s not responding to it, move on – or stop trying to be subtle.  Some of us (me, especially) are sort of dense when it comes to stuff like that, subtlety is lost on me.

Ok, so, for the  men out there (if any guys even read this – and I have no clue if they do), I have a few questions for you.  I genuinely want to know and I’m asking because, well, it’s my blog and I can…and because I like understanding stuff…note: I’m going to ask these questions, and I don’t really think I’ll get a response but if Ido, I’ll definitely be impressed:

1. Do guys really want girls to make the first move or is that just a bill of goods we’ve been sold by rom-coms and self-help books?

2. If a girl does make a move and you’re not interested, does that make it weird to be around her later – or is that something else that’s all in our head?

3. If a chick (inadvertently) shows her dorky side, does make us seem a little more normal or do you just walk away thinking, “What a dork!”? (Ok, that question is more for me because I have a LOT of dork moments.)

Good Grief?

Mom #2 said something interesting to me the other day when we were talking about my potential celebration…she said that everyone grieves in different ways, and that I may still have grieving left to do…and that when I do, it may come out in different ways…I consider her a resource on divorce…she’s been through it herself…so when she talks, I listen…

But…there’s always a but, right?…but, I don’t feel grief…I grieved over the way Almost Ex reacted to this…and, no, I didn’t expect anything positive from his reaction but I never expected what I received…I grieved the month leading up to asking for the divorce because I never imagined I would ever end my commitment to our marriage…

Lately, though, I’ve felt lighthearted…Eebee had me laughing so hard today, I nearly cried…of course, she had help from Monique and Mom #2…but I laughed my ass off…and it felt good…

Yeah, I’ve had my moments of word vomit: here and again here. But in the past week, I’ve felt good…I’ve been able to look positively on my future…I’ve been able to joke about possibly dating, sometime in the future…far, far into the future…

And yet (that’s just another version of “But…”by the way)…I’ve been eating my way through this divorce….I know what to do to keep my weight stable…and I want to lose a little more weight…hell, before Sean was born, I’d lost 88 lbs…yes, eighty-eight pounds…and I lost the baby weight after he was born…I know exactly what to do to…so is this my form of grieving?  Am I doing it through food and so therefore am able to laugh in other aspects in my life? I don’t know…but I know I’m getting very annoyed with myself…

So I’m going to start a new chapter in my life…I’m going to have a love affair…with a treadmill…had you going for a moment, didn’t I? My BFF has agreed to sell me her old treadmill for a low low price…and I will pick it up Saturday…Saturday night I have a date with my treadmill…I’m going to swap an old love (too much food and laziness) for a more recent love (working out, feeling strong, and being healthy)…if I’m grieving with food, I’m done…over it…ready to move on…life is too short and has WAY too much potential…

By the way, Big Brother mentioned something to me the other day that has me thinking…he said I should “date for fun.” Huh? 🙂

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