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Feeling Soft

Please do not mistake that title as anything warm, fuzzy, and/or sweet…I mean soft as in flabby, lacking definition, blech…

A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to let something, anything slide so that I could sort of maintain my sanity…and it ended up being exercise.  Yes, I realize that if I exercised I would probably have more energy, sleep better, feel better about myself, and a million other things…I could write the book on why I should work out…

Unfortunately, I’ve also been emotionally eating for a couple of weeks – yes, I am an emotional eater…stress, conflict, uncertainty – those are my usual triggers…I don’t feel like I have time…I constantly feel rushed…there’s always something else that needs to be done, handled, finished, completed, submitted, whatever…it never stops…and so I never stop…it’s my own fault…

And all of this has created this horrible soft, mushy feeling…and I hate it!

I was becoming firm, toned, high and tight…now, not so much…my treadmill just looks on in sadness, wondering when I’ll come play again…

I keep telling myself when life calms down a little – especially work – I’ll focus on myself again.  I know taking time for me is the healthiest thing I can do…I get that…I just need to slow down a little first…

As for the emotional eating, I have another reason excuse for that one…The Ex told me yesterday that he’s getting married in October…at the end of October…but he assured me it wouldn’t be on my birthday…um…ok?  Eebee wondered if I was going to be ok once it sank in…surprisingly, it doesn’t bother me…it seems strange to me….but it doesn’t hurt at all or make me angry…I feel like I’m learning something about a stranger…it’s just information that has no bearing on my life…is that healthy?

I wish it would mean he’d stop being so interested in my personal life, but somehow I doubt that…

But, it hasn’t stopped me from reaching for the cheeseburgers, either…

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Mentally Emoting and Taking Control

If I had sat down to write this an hour or two ago, it would have been a completely different blog than the one that I think I’m about to write…a couple of hours ago, it would have been word vomit.  It would have been me emoting all over the place.  It would have been ugly.

I don’t feel better now than I did a while ago.  But I have a little perspective…I think.

Today was not my best day…not like Monday…I have had to admit to myself that I’m tired, burned out, and overwhelmed…and not just because of the divorce.

And then of course, to make it even better, I went shopping for a bathing suit during my lunch hour.  There is nothing more soul-sucking than staring at yourself in the horrible lighting of a fitting room while trying on a swimsuit.  Especially when you’ve gone soft, have no muscle tone, and your butt is starting to take the shape of your chair.  Grrrrrrreat.

How did I respond to sucking of my soul?  Why, I ate a cheeseburger of course! Emotional eating only makes me feel good for about 30 seconds.  It’s then followed by hours of guilt and remorse.

So what could possibly have happened that prevented the writing of more word vomit?  Aidan.

As I was getting all of my crap, Aidan’s crap, Sean’s crap, Aidan, and Sean out of the car today (this sometimes takes two trips), Aidan asked if he could help me.  I don’t get asked if I need help very often.  And the fact that Aidan asked, made it even better.  Of COURSE, you can help me…hold THIS.

Later, he made me smile by showing my his kung-fu dance (pronounced kahn-fu by Aidan).  And then he made me giggle (in my head) when he stated, “I can’t spell ‘kung,’ but I can spell ‘fu.’ F-U.” Sorry, but hearing him say F-U was HILARIOUS!

Now that I’ve had a chance to calm down and stop mentally emoting, I’ve realized that the overwhelming feelings of helplessness I keep experiencing have a lot to do with feeling like I’ve lost control of my life.  I feel like things are happening TO me instead of me making things happen for myself.

It’s time to take back control of my life.  Nothing happens over night.  And I don’t trust anything that’s handed to me.  I get where I want in life through hard work.  But if I’m working hard with no plan, I’m just spinning my wheels.  So now it’s time to come up with a plan…and follow it.

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