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Frustrated

There are times when I feel like I spend my life frustrated…sometimes it’s because my expectations are either too high or not fully thought out…sometimes its because I’m looking for easy – and that almost never happens…

On the one hand, I’m that person who believes that anything in life worth having is worth working hard for – meaning that very little comes easy, and I wouldn’t trust it if it did…on the other hand, I have been told, and want to believe, that if you’re on the path you should be, doors will often open that you don’t expect…

All I want to do is move…I want to get out of this house (it goes on the market in the next day or so…know anyone who just can’t wait to live in a little town called Crestview, FL?)…I want to move closer to work…I want to pay a little less each month – because I’m freaking drowning over here, and something’s got to give…but silly me, I also want to feel safe wherever I live and have enough space for 2 rowdy little boys to be, well, rowdy little boys…apparently, I’m asking for a miracle…

I’m filled with doubts – can this space hold most of our stuff? I don’t have a lot of stuff but I think the beds, couch, and kitchen table are essential items, and dammit, wherever I live should be able to hold at least that…Is this area safe?  Would we ever actually leave during the day, and how would I feel if I brought them home to this late at night??

Is this the right place for us?  I’m a big believer that you know when something feels right – and when it doesn’t…and I should wait for it to feel right…but I’m feeling pressured from my own deadline – November 1.  Why November 1? Because 8 days later, I’ll be in Anaheim, CA for 5 days…and right after that it’s balls to the wall until February at work…this is the perfect time…except the perfect place isn’t materializing…and I’m filled with self-doubt…

I’m making a major decision which affects my children…and I need to get it right…this isn’t something I can half-ass or just make work…the safety of the boys (and my perception of their safety) is too important…which is why I found myself driving around town this afternoon after looking at yet another really crappy option, lost in thought, mentally panicking…I was almost back at work when I realized I hadn’t returned the key to the rental company…

I’ve made plenty of decisions for our family in the past few months, but none like this…I’m uprooting Aidan from his school, I’m taking Sean away from a daycare that adores him, to do what? Put them in some crap hole-in-the-wall just so I can get away from my own personal demons?  Am I being selfish?  Couldn’t I just toughen up a little, tighten the belt a little more, and deal with it?

Intellectually, I know the answers…but if I screw up this decision, what does that say about everything else that comes after?  I’m responsible for this family, for two little boys who are looking to me to keep everything right in their world…I just want a safe, decent, affordable home…how can that be so damn hard?

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So Where Am I From?

I’ve watched the new trend of “If you’re from ___ place, you remember…” or “You’re from ____ if you remember…” and a couple other derivatives on Facebook…and it made me realize that I’m not really from anywhere…

Born in South Carolina, moved to Florida when I was a baby, lived in a couple of places before we settled in honest-to-God BFE (if you need me to translate that for you just email me)…we lived in the middle of the freaking WOODS…you couldn’t see your neighbors, one guy planted a TON of marijuana back there (I remember one of the small forest fires that broke out when I was a kid – needless to say, it was a little more potent than your average fire)…wild animals lived back there…the road wasn’t paved…every few months my dad would call someone, cuss them out for several minutes, and the next day a a guy on a grader would be out there smoothing the road over…

I went to elementary school in a town called Archer, FL.  I wonder if it’s still there…but I didn’t live in Archer…I lived on the BFE outskirts of a teeny, tiny town called Williston…wonder if it’s still there, too…

I went to Jr. High/middle school (when I was in 8th grade, it became a middle school) in Newberry, FL…didn’t live in Newberry…

Spent my freshman year in Newberry (still, lived in BFE)…moved to Gautier, MS and spent my sophomore and junior years in Pascagoula (didn’t live there) and finally spent my senior year IN Gautier at Gauter High. 

And the moment I could, I got the hell out and moved to Montgomery, AL for college…and then came back, because I didn’t know where else to go…

So where the hell am I from?  And what area do I have memories about?  That’s not a woe-is-me thing…it’s just a strange realization…even on my Facebook page, I don’t put a hometown…I’m not sure where it is, or which one to pick…what’s even stranger is that it’s not like I’m a military kid…we didn’t move around…so why don’t I have a hometown?

I don’t consider my current location a hometown…maybe I’m not sentimental enough for all that…maybe I just need something to dwell on and this was today’s thing…that’s probably it.

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