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Gotta Get My Swagger Back

I am so pissed at myself…

I finally had to face a hard reality this morning…those 15 pounds I keep saying I’ve gained are real, y’all!

I have a pair of pants I’ve avoided for at least a month, maybe longer, because I know how they fit without the 15 pounds…I knew it wouldn’t be good…holy crap, it was horrible…I looked like a stuffed sausage!!

Losing weight is hard, gaining weight is easy…the will to do the hard work it takes to lose weight requires a catalyst…when I was at my heaviest, 5 years ago, at 260 pounds, it took a picture…it was probably the first picture I had allowed to be taken of me in a couple of years…and it was terrifying…I didn’t recognize myself…some fat people have multiple chins – I had one giant chin…it was disgusting…and I think it was the disgust I felt at looking at myself that motivated me…88 pounds later, I was happy and only needed to lose another 20 pounds…

Fast forward a few years…I maintained the weight, got pregnant, gained a few, lost them, and went through a turbulent, emotional year…I’m an emotional eater…I know that about myself and it’s something I have to fight…I also love food…the divorce, the adjustment to being a single mom, the craziness at work, the new life, the money problems – all of this and more drives me to fast food and too much food, even when it’s NOT fast food…15 pounds later (on top of the 20 I still wanted to lose), here we are…

I started my day very determined to do what I know what I need to do…I broadcast my intentions to anyone who would listen..right now, it’s easy because my motivation is high…but I gotta a little extra push today…

Big Brother said something to me that hit home, but still surprised me…”Michaela, you’ve got to get your swagger back…get back to who you were before when you were working out and cared more.” I was surprised because I figured it hadn’t been that noticeable…

But the reality is that it’s very clear to anyone who knows me…I started hiding in my clothes…I stopped wearing my sassy earrings that make me happy…I barely wear makeup most days…I keep my head down a lot…I notice that my shoulders are slumped more often than not…

And I’ve got to get over this crap! So today is day one…today was a good day…I even ran on the treadmill a little…that felt damn good…

It’s not just about the 15 pounds…it’s not just about looking like a sausage in my pants…it’s about getting my swagger back…

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Stuff…Random Stuff…

Do you know I hit 100 posts the other day and didn’t even realize it?  I’ve been blogging since April 30 – that’s a LOT of talking…I wonder if I’ve changed at all…hmm, that’s something to contemplate later…I haven’t posted anything for a couple of days…at first I didn’t have anything to say…and then when I did, I couldn’t get my internet to work…now I’m just filled with random stuff…

*****

I found a place to live!!!!!!!!  It’s quiet and safe and the right size and has a balcony off the master bedroom…a spot that, if I do it right, will be MINE…I have no intention of sharing it with the boys…mostly because I’m that mom who would be a nervous wreck that they would fall – even though they wouldn’t…

When Mom #2, who doubts EVERYTHING, knew I would take it in the first 5 minutes, I knew my instincts were right…there will be some adjustments, and probably some whining – from all three of us – but it’s going to be our new place…closer to work, closer to friends, and hopefully a little less wear and tear on me…

*****

The Ex was caught in a pack of lies over the weekend by his girlfriend…and myself…because for the first time in 6 months, we talked…I don’t know if she called just to get info to use on him…I don’t know if she called to stir up trouble (I don’t think so)…but I discovered I’ve been lied to for several months…about things that don’t matter…things that didn’t have to turn in to lies…

And somehow, as it has been since February 13, 2011, it was my fault that they fought…wow.

*****

My children love my Separated-At-Birth Sister…adore her…and her children adore mine…and she cooks so well it makes her house smell divine…damn, I miss home-cooking…makes me so tired of living out of paper bags and drive thru…yes, I recognize it’s my own fault…and thanks to her, I had a couple extra hours to myself this weekend – that, my friends, is priceless…

*****

I’m back to being completely worn down again…it’s lack of exercise, lack of good, healthy food, and the addition of new stress…I find myself grinding my teeth while I’m driving or just sitting quietly anywhere…once I get lost in thought, there I go, grinding my teeth…

Some of the stress will alleviate itself once the move is done…and I’m finally taking a vacation, too…I’m not going anywhere, but I’ll have my days free from children and work…

*****

I realized that I miss intimacy…I’m not talking sex (that’s definitely a conversation for another day)…I’m talking about pure intimacy…simple, small stuff that we all take for granted when there’s someone with us…quick hugs, pecks on the cheek, curling up on the couch…leaning on someone, wrapping your arms around each other for no other reason than just because…

I don’t want it with The Ex…but I do miss it…

Big, Fat, Hairy…Goals

I’m a goal person…if I don’t have a goal (no matter how small), I feel like I have no purpose…which leads to stress, chaos, and all sorts of negative things…including procrastination and loss of focus…

I complained earlier about feeling soft…I complained yesterday about stressing and emotional eating (today was worse)…I’m sure I’ve gained 10 lbs in the past two weeks – mostly from sweet tea and cheeseburgers…I’ve talked before about taking control and taking care of myself…and it worked, while I stayed focused…

But, that’s not happening anymore…and I feel….blech…

This morning, while I was driving to work, I was thinking about why I’m not able to sustain the focus on myself…and I think my goal is too vague and I’m too vague about how I’m going to get there…I’m a planner…I’m an organized planner…it’s what I do, it’s who I am…

But I don’t plan our meals…I barely write a grocery list…I don’t keep us (as a family) organized…and it’s leading to chaos, utter chaos…and 10 extra lbs…because it’s easier to run through drive thru and order off the $1 menu (especially since sweet tea is a $1 – that’s just EVIL!)…

With any big, fat, hairy goal I give myself, I need a plan…but first, let’s start with the goal.  My birthday is at the end of October (October 30 to be exact).  I thought that it would be fitting to give myself a birthday present this year – the gift of not feeling like mush.  The official start date is October 1 but since I’m pretty excited, I’ll probably get started a little tomorrow…I would like to lose 10 lbs by the end of the month, but overall I want to be less like a side of mashed potatoes (soft and mushy)…

What’s the plan?  That’s where I’m fuzzy – I know I need to eat right and exercise…that’s a big ole duh…but what exactly do I need to do?  Since this goal is a 30 day goal, I’m thinking of doing Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred, again…but this time the straight 30 days instead the 6 weeks it usually takes me…but I’m also adverse to pain, so I was thinking 30 Day Shred 3-4 times a week and supplementing with the treadmill 3-4 days a week…opinions?

With the food side, I think I just need to get organized…I’m envisioning charts, calendars, color-coded things…and a trip to Staples to make it happen (I’m sure different colored Sharpies will be involved)…I need to plan out every meal – so that’s it one less thing to think about…and, this is going to sound crazy, but I need to stop with leftovers…I hate leftovers…if I like a meal well enough to want to eat leftovers the next day, I usually end up eating the extra helping the same day I cook it (soooooo not good for me)…and I’ll bring leftovers for lunch the next day with every intention of eating it…and then find 10 reasons why I need to hit the drive thru…bad, I know…I need to accept the fact that I almost never eat leftovers and stop pretending that I do…

I know how to eat, I know what to eat, I know when to eat…I just need to make it one less thing to think about…because frankly, I’ve got too much on my plate (no pun intended) to be worrying about what we’re going to have for dinner…

Time to treat this like the office…where’s my clipboard and to do list?  It’s time to get to work!

Feeling Soft

Please do not mistake that title as anything warm, fuzzy, and/or sweet…I mean soft as in flabby, lacking definition, blech…

A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to let something, anything slide so that I could sort of maintain my sanity…and it ended up being exercise.  Yes, I realize that if I exercised I would probably have more energy, sleep better, feel better about myself, and a million other things…I could write the book on why I should work out…

Unfortunately, I’ve also been emotionally eating for a couple of weeks – yes, I am an emotional eater…stress, conflict, uncertainty – those are my usual triggers…I don’t feel like I have time…I constantly feel rushed…there’s always something else that needs to be done, handled, finished, completed, submitted, whatever…it never stops…and so I never stop…it’s my own fault…

And all of this has created this horrible soft, mushy feeling…and I hate it!

I was becoming firm, toned, high and tight…now, not so much…my treadmill just looks on in sadness, wondering when I’ll come play again…

I keep telling myself when life calms down a little – especially work – I’ll focus on myself again.  I know taking time for me is the healthiest thing I can do…I get that…I just need to slow down a little first…

As for the emotional eating, I have another reason excuse for that one…The Ex told me yesterday that he’s getting married in October…at the end of October…but he assured me it wouldn’t be on my birthday…um…ok?  Eebee wondered if I was going to be ok once it sank in…surprisingly, it doesn’t bother me…it seems strange to me….but it doesn’t hurt at all or make me angry…I feel like I’m learning something about a stranger…it’s just information that has no bearing on my life…is that healthy?

I wish it would mean he’d stop being so interested in my personal life, but somehow I doubt that…

But, it hasn’t stopped me from reaching for the cheeseburgers, either…

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