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Fear: Making People Stupid Since The Dawn of Time

Big Brother tells me all the time to watch out for fear because it will cause you to do stupid things…I hate it when he’s right…I think about the situations that make me fearful in nearly every aspect of my life…I think before I act, I analyze, I’m cautious…except for matters of the heart…

And I let fear get the best of me…and if This Man that I adore was not thinking clearer than me, I might have scared him off for good…

For someone who stays pretty dispassionate (on the surface, only on the surface), men can drive me to extremes I didn’t know existed…with The Ex, when I was angry, I screamed…and I mean, screamed – people who know me wouldn’t recognize me if they witnessed it…

This Man, inadvertently, brings out my overly emotional and fearful side…it’s not his fault, but he’s the catalyst…

We’ve mostly just talked for the past few months…old friends who reconnected…but at some point, my heart got more involved than it should…than either of us is ready for…and now I’m so fearful of losing him, that if he was a different man, I would have driven him away this weekend…but thankfully, he’s one of the few men on the planet who can handle me…and he admitted to me tonight that he mostly just sighed and thought, “Oh brother…”

Ok, first – thanks dude, really?!  But second, I am so thankful that he gets me…had we been face-to-face, he probably could have snapped me out of it with a look or word…

I’m a typical Scorpio…and, while I’d like to pretend I’m not, I’m extremely insecure when it comes to love and relationships…so, match meet tinder…a small explosion was bound to occur…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last…

I’ve pretty much conquered fear on a lot of levels – both personal and professional…this is unchartered territory, and I have a lot of previous baggage to deal with…if This Man can survive some of that (while I survive some of his baggage) we may do just fine…but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time I show my ass and then have to eat a little crow and beg forgiveness for my own stupidity…

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Forgiveness

Ok, wow, really long post…only the really determined will make it through. It’s okay if you’re not that determined.

I am a typical Scorpio…given to extremes, stubborn to a fault, loyal beyond all measure, but once I’m done with you, I’m done.

I have often said that I can forgive, but I can’t forget…which is why once you lose my trust (if you ever even had it), you can’t get it back…I might not have anymore animosity towards you, but I’ll never give you my trust again…

I’ve never had to really forgive anyone before…I’ve never been so angry, hurt, upset, damaged by someone’s actions that it required forgiveness on my part…not real forgiveness…not the kind that you have to agonize over but once you decide to do it, you feel the weight of it leave you…until today…

Today, I mentally forgave The Ex…and once the time comes, I will try to legally forgive him, too…

The worst time of my life, the lowest point I’ve ever been at, was the eight weeks after I told The Ex I wanted a divorce…I’ve dealt with the death of my father…was there when the decision was made to take him off life support…was there when he took his last breath…and it was somehow easier than those weeks with The Ex…

In those eight weeks, I came as close to being abused as I hope I ever come again…mostly emotional and mental…when I think back on some of those episodes, I feel very shaky inside…scared…like the Boogeyman’s going to jump out at me…I tend not to think too much about it…the last time was by far the mildest of everything, but it was bigger and there were witnesses to the aftermath…I had no choice but to call the authorities…I’m glad I had no choice…I think if I had been alone, I would have kept my mouth shut, cleaned my house, and attempted to put back the pieces by myself…and I would be the worse for it today…

For the first time, The Ex had to suffer the consequences of his emotional, impulsive actions…and that’s really what it was, I think…they’re the worst possible traits in a person, in my opinion – both emotional and impulsive…when I see it in another person, I run screaming from it…I’m terrified of that combination…because it’s never meant good things for me…but none of what he did was the plan of a criminal or a bad person…it was childish, willful, horrible, gut-wrenching…and I’m the one who felt guilty about it…the day I gave up guilt over The Ex was one of the first times I had felt good since February 13

Everything that’s happened between us has changed me in different ways…I think it’s made me stronger on some levels…I know it’s made me feel more vulnerable…it definitely made me question myself…and question love…the recurring thought that ran through my head was, “How do you do something like this to someone you love?  How can you say you love them and actually mean it?”…I naturally put up walls between myself and the world…I can’t even begin to describe how thick they are now…

I’ve spent a lot of time angry at The Ex…to the point that most days I can’t even speak to him without glaring or snapping…I’ve watched him make really bad choices…and now he’s struggling in a way I can’t even imagine…I can’t help him…not without going back to the dynamic we had in our marriage (I took care of everything and he let me)…and I don’t want to…he’s got to figure out how to make it on his own…and sometimes you have to start at the bottom…

But, I do have the chance to forgive him…and to ask that he be forgiven legally…that the charges be dropped…when he first mentioned it to me, I wasn’t sure…I was tempted but I didn’t know if I was considering it out of guilt (again)…I talked to my mom today…and as I was finally talking through it, I knew I had to forgive him…

What I want more than anything is to be free of everything from my marriage…I want to get out of this house…I want to move to another city…if I could afford it (and I can’t), I’d replace every dish, every pot, every piece of furniture, EVERYTHING…I want a clean slate with the boys…and I’m working on some of that…selling the house, moving closer to work…I still have to take all our crap with me, but I don’t have to hang on to the negative emotions…I decided to forgive him…and the moment I made that decision, I felt lighter…I had freed myself from something leftover from our marriage…

Real forgiveness is both hard and easy…hard to decide to do it, and easy to follow through once you’ve realized it’s the right thing to do…

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