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No Desire to Dance

And I don’t mean ballroom…

I love music…and, in the privacy of my own home where NO ONE can see me, if the music is good enough, I’ll get up and dance.  It’s a great workout, it relieves stress, it makes me feel more confident.  Silly, I know, but there it is.

I realized last night that even when I heard some of my absolute favorite songs I felt no urge to dance.  I sang along (which is even scarier than my dancing), but I couldn’t find the desire or the energy to get off the couch.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Is it a self-esteem thing?  Do I feel so silly doing it that I’ve embarassed myself?  Am I just tired? Is it D. All of the above?

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself recently.  I can’t figure out the catalyst but it’s been swift.  I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds in the past few months…I barely exercise…I stress-eat and my preferred food is a cheeseburger.  I’m doing everything I know NOT to do…I can feel my butt spreading, my face filling in, and my clothes fitting tighter…

I will NOT go back to being the fat chick, the sidekick, always the best friend – never the girlfriend…I. Will. NOT.

Everyday, I can feel myself becoming more introverted and unsure of myself…I liked feeling confident…I liked feeling attractive (who doesn’t, right?)…and I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. 

I guess the easy answer is that it’s the divorce, this is normal, blah blah blah…but I don’t accept that.  I’m not unhappy about the divorce.  I’m not even unhappy that Almost Ex has found a girlfriend…well, ok, I’m not excited, either. 

No matter what it is, I need to get over it and get my butt back in gear…

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